A heck of a town...

Hey, Freaks, guess where I am! New York City!

It's ok, you can be jealous.

In honor of that, let's do:


Ten Quintessential New York TV Shows


Law and Order (all eighteen million of them)

Probably the most recognizable New York show, the long running and seemingly never-ending franchise brought the mean streets of the city into America's living room, along with quipping detectives, beautiful ADA's, and Sam Waterston's eyebrows. There's a reason the one in LA didn't work.

He is Peter Gallagher's hero.

Seinfield

This is how the rest of America views you, New York residents. As shallow, cynical, selfish assholes. I know how broken up about that you must be.

The diners seem pretty rocking, though.

Mad Men

New York through the lens of the swinging 60's, when you could drink and smoke everywhere, and everybody wore hats. Oh, the good old days. (Unless you were black, or a woman, or in a crappy marriage, or....)

She would have been fine.

Dirty Sexy Money

This show fell victim to the writer's strike a few years ago, but the Peter Krause led soapy drama gave us a glimpse of the city's moneyed elite, and used the city's shiny exterior to hide the secrets and lies all those rich families have. That's what rich people are like, right?

No, some of them don't hide much...

NYPD Blue

The grittier version of Law and Order focused on the detective's personal lives, and brought us a plethora of naked male posteriors, some more exciting than others.

Nobody wants to see it, Ricky.

Friends

The exciting world of 20-somethings in the city had never looked more fun than in the gigantic apartments of our favorite sextet. Apparently you can make millions as a terrible coffee waitress.

And nobody ever steals your seat.

White Collar

This relatively new show might not be quite quintessential yet, but the city shines as the glossy, pretty, exciting backdrop of this fun show.

Also, it has other pretty things.

Will and Grace

Hey, there are gay people in New York! And sometimes they have best friends who are girls! And they live together and have wacky adventures with their crazy/rich alcoholic friends! I want to live in the big city too!

Small town alcoholic friends? Not as much fun.

How I Met Your Mother

More 20-somethings in the city, but this one seems to deal with the realities, like apartments near the sewage plant, mocking tourists, crazy taxis, and the fictional cockamouse. Those are made up, right? Right?

How have hipsters not put this on a T-shirt yet?

Sex and the City

The titular city is a character is this girly classic, and the show loves it as much as it does any of it's characters. Of course, I think the city is a lot cleaner than at least one of them....

Yep, I'm talking about you, Cooties.

Spoiler Alert!

Well, now that that's all over, how'd everybody do? Who made you gasp? Who made you cry? Who made you want to throw your TV into the nearest wall/river/face of a writer?

Let's break it down with:

Season Finale 2011 Winner and Losers

Winner: Chuck

So cute! Agh! In this sweet and romantic could-have-been-series-but-yay-just-season ender Chuck raced around the world to save his beloved Sarah, finally tying the knot surrounded by the whole gang. And just when it seemed that our favorite spies would have to go back to the day job, an evil mastermind steps up with the check that lets the crew start their own superspy agency. Everything was wrapped in a perfect bow until the now classic Chuck twist: Morgan is The Intersect?!


Loser: 30 Rock

Victor Garber's face at having guested on this horrible episode.

Look, 30 Rock is weird. We know this. Normally, we love this. But the hour long cringe-fest finale was awkward and forced, aiming for Crazytown and flying way, way past it to WTFville. Stop it, Tina. You're better than this.


Winner: Castle

Not as much fun as it looks like.

The surprise reveal of Captain Montgomery's involvement in the death of Beckett's mom was a genius twist, and the emotional scene in the airplane hangar was gut-wrenching. The final moments brought the emotional admission we've been waiting for from Castle, even if no one watching actually believed that Beckett might be dead.


Loser: How I Met Your Mother

Yep, not bothering to learn your name.

I'm surprised by the reaction this episode seems to be getting, because I'm wondering who didn't see the final twist coming. Mark my words, that's Barney's wedding to Nora, (That might be her name. I don't care about her.) and there will be some sort of sitcom-y moment with Robin causing it to fall apart. I'd hoped for better from this show. And while Hannigan and Segal broke my heart with the big reveal scene, I have a hard time not freaking out about that baby. Because I don't know if you know this, but babies? Show killers.

Remember this? No, you dont. You didn't watch this season.

Winner: Community

I know, I was also really upset Josh Holloway wasn't in this one too.

Man, I love this show. With the epic Star Wars homage paintball war, the show gave us hilarious Troy moments and the bizarro Annie/Abed kiss (that girl will kiss anyone!), and made me care about Pierce again. Well, for a minute, at least.


Loser: Bones

This is about when I started hyperventilating.

Which brings me to what I really want to talk about, the crazy, insane, hateful WTF ender for Bones. I am stunned at the reaction this episode seems to be getting, because why isn't anyone else pissed off about this? We've been waiting for seven seasons to see these two finally will-they, and then they did, only we didn't get to see it? Show runners seem to be towing the party line that they avoided the "Moonlighting curse" by skipping it all together, but it feels like a huge cop-out to me. Seriously, why are people not more pissed off about this?

No one else needed to see this man shirtless?

Nope, apparently I'm not done yet. I am completely fine with the pregnancy, actually, and I like the idea that these two people are forced to figure out how to go from that, and what their new relationship will be, but I think the writers are underestimating their audience. They've said this way the show is skipping the whole "awkward dating" phase that kills most shows, but I don't understand why Booth and Bones would be that way anyway. They've been partners for seven years. It's just one big swelling-music-fireworks-culmination-of-seven-years-of-waiting epic kiss.

Like that's so much to ask.

Shock me, shock me, shock me!

Let me tell you, Freaks, I have permanent goosebumps during season finale week. It's so exciting! And then sad, because my friends are going away. But then exciting again, because did you see what happened?

In that honor, let's do:

TV's Most Shocking TV Finales

Ross says Rachel, Friends

This season 4 ender caused a collective gasp among women ages 12-37 in 1998. Hey, remember 1998? Hilarious. Anyway, Ross said the wrong name, we all freaked out, and then the show had him turn into a whiny buffoon. But for a moment there, we really cared!

Somebody also cared about this in 1998.

Jack and Will did what?!, Will and Grace

The show was not the glory of its earlier self by this season five ender, but this shocking moment played not only on fan's assumptions of a love connection between the pair, but the odd couple hilarity the thought offered. Luckily, nothing happened. We think...

Oh, Grace. Don't point fingers. You're married to Leo.

Justin gets bashed, Queer as Folk

After the romance of Brian Kinney at the prom (God, the scarf....), viewers were stunned when Justin was attacked by his recurring bully. This episode still breaks my heart.

This puts it back together again.

Dead Wife #1, Dexter

After Dexter managed to end the brutal Trinity killer, played brilliantly by the normally hamfisted John Lithgow, he returned home to find this wife Rita murdered and his infant son waiting in the blood. Chilling.

Yeah, Dad, that college tuition is going to therapy bills.

Dead Wife #2, 24

Viewers couldn't believe when his pregnant wife ended up murdered at the end of the first 24 hours. Man, Jack Bauer had a hard day. 

See?

Um, Jean-Luc, you have something on your face..., Star Trek: The Next Generation

I've only seen this in reruns, but this is crazy! The most debonair and hairless of the Enterprise captains as an evil Borg? Gasp!

This is literally the most inelegant Patrick Stewart has ever been.

Who shot the guy in the hat?, Dallas

The most famous cliffhanger of all time, this classic Dallas episode showed the world how to do a finale and introduced spoilers at the same time. Seriously, guys, this made the cover of Time Magazine.

Making it just famous enough for Hipsters to wear ironically.

Wait, what?, Alias

The season 2 finale showed the JJ Abrams penchant for the WTF season ender, with poor Sydney Bristow waking up in Hong Kong missing two years of her life. And Vaughan was married! I was so pissed about this episode I refused to watch Season 3 for a year. Yeah, that might be something to tell my therapist....

I think she'd understand.

Wait, WHAT?, LOST

LOST had mostly mind-blowing season finales, but the Season 3 surprise flashforward was its most insane. We have to go back, Kate! We have to go back! Yeah, so we can completely prove everyone wrong that this is the greatest show ever on TV.

Not that it didn't have its moments...

She saved the world, a lot., Buffy the Vampire Slayer

They killed the main character. I want you to think about that for a minute. They killed the main character. At the end of Season 5 of a hit show, they killed the girl whose name was in the title.

Wait! I have an idea....

Fall TV 2011 - A little good and a whole lot of angry

Well, Freaks, the networks have revealed the fall TV schedules. How do things look?

Mostly the same old crap.

But there's a few bright spots, such as:

NBC did something right!

Wow, NBC. I'm really impressed. Looks like that new leadership is paying off. Giving Chuck another season, and pairing it with the new sci-fi Grimm to create a genre night on Fridays? Smart. Two really great looking sitcoms in the Will Arnet and Christina Applegate led Up All Night and Free Agents with Hank Azaria and the dashing Anthony Head? (Giles! Yay!) Good job! I'm impressed with the guts it takes to run that on Wednesday up against ABC's juggernaut comedy night as well. And your sex-and-intrigue period piece The Playboy Club looks much more entertaining than ABC's nearly identical venture Pan Am. Please remember how proud we intelligent TV viewers are when almost none of this gets watched. America is kinda stupid, NBC. I mean, there's a line at the Olive Garden every Friday night, you know?

And oh, my god, thank you for not doing this. It's possible you averted the apocalypse.

FOX spent its budget on effects...

The very cool looking and seriously expensive Terra Nova, from executive producer Steven Spielberg took up most of FOX's programming this fall, but Zooey Deschanel's New Girl looks good, and it's possible the Jamie Presley led I Hate My Teenage Daughter will not be terrible. Yeah, probably not. Oh, and some sort of constipated-looking British guy is auditioning singers. Groundbreaking!

Well, he did ruin TV. I'm ok with him being a little uncomfortable.

Oh, CBS.

Comfortable in their grandpa recliners at America's most watched network, CBS did not follow the trend this year, putting on absolutely no new shows that would be any different from what they already have on. Literally the most interesting thing they did was move The Good Wife to Sundays. Parenthood thanks you!

CBS wants you to stay the hell off its lawn. Its predictable, procedural lawn.

The CW got Buffy!

After CBS predictably passed on the edgy and interesting Ringer, starring Sarah Michelle Gellar, the show found a home on CW, which makes a hell of a lot more sense. Rachel Bilson is also starring in Hart of Dixie, which as far as I can tell, is Sweet Home Alabama but she's a doctor.

Look! She's wearing black! Cause she's from New York City!

ABC, meet me at camera 3.

This is a scolding, ABC. I know you make your money being the chick network. I understand that you will take whatever drivel Shonda Rhimes dreams up, that you would like to branch out into programming that can appeal to men while still keeping that female audience. But what you have here is crap. Literally, unadulterated poop. You have three sitcoms based entirely in the "men and women are different!" realm, including one that seems to be a remake of Bosom Buddies.

This makes me miss Outsourced.


Seriously, ABC? Seriously?

Revenge looks like more trite drivel, with Emily Van Camp swanning her way through the Hamptons, with all the backstabbing-and-intrigue! and whatever, and Charlie's Angels will make you a ton of money, which we should all be really ashamed about. The one bright spot seems to be the really ambitious and fantastical Once Upon a Time with Gennifer Goodwin and Jennifer Morrison, and it's impressive that you are giving such a complicated show a chance.

We'll give it, what do you think, ABC, two episodes?

You can leave your hat on...

Hey, Freaks! Feel like a little fluff? Good, because here comes...

TV's Hottest Cowboys

In honor of last night's awesome western-themed paintball Community last night, in which the generous TV gods saw fit to give us not only guest star Josh Holloway alongside resident hottie Joel McHale, but to put them in cowboy hats, I've decided to pay homage to the manly-men of the western genre. Hang onto your horses.

10. Heath Barkley (Lee Majors), The Big Valley

Steve Austin cut his bad-ass chops fighting his way into the Barkely family as illegitimate son Heath, and looked good doing it. That look is worth millions. Like, 6, maybe?

Is he weraing eyeliner?

9. Daniel Simon (John Schneider), Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman

Some people will argue that he wasn't as hot as Sully. Some people will argue that he looked better in the hat as a Duke. Those people are wrong.

Evil Google, no pic in the hat. What is the world coming to?

8. Adam Cartwright (Pernell Roberts), Bonanza

From what I remember of this show from watching it with my grandfather as a child, Joe was the one who had all the ladies' attention, but I'd vote for smart and sweet Adam any day. He built the Ponderosa! (Or something like that...)

Plus, he can pull off Nantucket Red.

7. Briscoe (Bruce Campbell), The Adventures of Briscoe County Jr.

Bruce Campbell was at his snarky best in this short-lived cult classic. His 5-o'clock shadow was doing its best work as well.

Even the facial hair looks quip-ready.

6. Rowdy Yates (Clint Eastwood), Rawhide

Hey, Clint Eastwood, what are you doing on TV? Oh, I see. Looking good.

5. Cole Turner (Julian McMahon), Charmed

Yep, this is cheating. "This is just blatantly a lie, he was only a cowboy for one western-themed episode, and that surely doesn't count," you say. I say get your own blog and you can make up your own rules. Plus, now I get to show you this:

You're welcome.

4. Captain Malcom Reynold (Nathan Fillion), Firefly

Look, she's cheating again! Whatever. He's a space cowboy. And a charmingly adorable one.

Aw, he's so cute when he's mad!

3. Bret Maverick (James Garner), Maverick

Speaking of charming...

It takes a lot of manliness to overpower those ruffles.

2. James T. West (Robert Conrad), The Wild Wild West

Sure, maybe this show has now been taken over by the steampunk freaks and was a terribly remade movie starring Will Smith. But we will forgive you for all of that, Mr. West, because...

Because you can pull of chest hair.

1. Raylan Givens (Timothy Olyphant), Justified

He's a soulful, tortured badass. Just like the ladies like 'em.

Also hot. The ladies like 'em hot.