Fall TV Preview 2012 :Shows That Make Me Go Meh

Do you know what September does to a TV addict such as myself?

I've been in full-on panic mode for a week, fellow Freaks. How will I fit it all in? Why doesn't my DVR record four shows in HD? Oh, dammit, the Emmy's are this month too, I have to make sure I do enough yelling about that...

What do you mean "Thursday Night Football"? 

Couldn't it have been Tuesday Mid-to-Late Afternoon Football? There's nothing on then...

Deep breaths. 

I can do this. 

You know how I can do this, Freaks? 

Snap decisions. Hasty Judgments. No sympathy. 

It's time for the TV Freak to break out the tough love. 

Don't give a shit. 

So, here's the new fall shows that don't matter: 

The New NBC Comedies

Oh, NBC. Is anybody surprised I'm starting with you? Of course not. You have four new comedies on your fall schedule, and I'd be willing to lay money that only one of them will make it through the year. I'd like to say it would be Matthew Perry's new show Go On, because I love me some Matthew Perry, but with an unsustainable premise and a time slot war with New Girl and Happy Endings, I won't. That shit is super cancelled. 

Sorry, Matt. Looks like it's failed solo sitcom #2 for you. 

I'm pretty sure that mug is from the set of Mr. Sunshine

Animal Practice is just as stupid and annoying as you'd think a show about an animal hospital would be (We get it, you're weird!), and Guys With Kids, as much as I enjoy the idea of Tempest Bledsoe playing a mom, isn't great. It will fail with the poor lead-in and better competition. Sorry (Exec producer) Jimmy Fallon. Try to be less sitcom-y next time. I know you will laugh at anything, but the rest of us won't. 

This picture causes Jimmy Fallon to pee his pants. 

The New Normal is a crap-shoot, and not entirely due to scheduling or unfortunate placement on the last-place network (although those things are not going to help). Honestly, it's not a great show yet. I've only seen the pilot at this point, and while it offered a few laughs, it feels very forced. Even the title is trying too hard. The kid is better than the mom, The Hangover gay dad is better then the Book of Mormon one, Ellen Barkin's character is too over the top to make her point, and Ne Ne Leakes (I can't believe I'm saying this) is better than all of them. Ryan Murphy (creator of Glee, American Horror Story) recently said the show was basically "Kurt and Blaine all grown up decide to have a kid" which is exactly what it is. 

Seriously? Is this based on a fanfic? 

I like Kurt and Blaine better. 

Look, if it gets better, maybe it sticks around. But I wouldn't hold my breath if I were NBC. 

Of course, what the hell else are they going to air? 

I won't care if it is Chicago Fire. Though the show is produced by Dick Wolf (all of the Law and Order) and full of eye candy for the ladies, the ladies will all be watching the sure-to-be-a-hit Nashville (stay tuned for the good shows in the next Fall TV Preview!). 

Also, it's not very good. 

You may not care. 

I'm not saying it's getting cancelled, (again, what is NBC going to air?) but unless you have a super crush on Jesse Spencer (House) or Taylor Kinney (The Vampire Diaries) don't bother. 

Oh, so all of the sitcoms are terrible....

Yeah, ABC, you're not winning anything over here either. The Neighbors, about a family who moves into a suburban community filled with aliens, is too weird for the regular TV audience (and sadly I think will damage underdog The Middle) and Malibu County is a sitcom starring Reba McEntire. I think it will probably do well on Friday nights with Tim Allen's show Last Man Standing, but I will not be watching. 

Because I am not a grandma. 

You can tell because I know they stole this set from Hannah Montana.

That is also why I will not be adding the new CBS Friday night procedural Made in Jersey to my lineup, although I hear decent things about the show and particularly the star. However, despite my vigorous youth,  I also don't expect to get wrapped up in the CW's Beauty and the Beast, starring Kristen Kreuk. Despite the network's highest rated lead in (The Vampire Diaries), CW fans, me included, have shown that they won't get on board with crappy or boring shows (see last year's occupier of this spot, The Secret Circle) and from what I've seen, that's exactly what you're in for with this one. Sadly, I like its chances better than the network's far superior Emily Owens, MD, just due to scheduling, (Miss Emily got railroaded in the same Tuesday night spot as Go On) but I don't expect either to live long on my DVR. 

ABC branches out, which is clearly a good idea 

So in addition to alien neighbors, ABC is also offering viewers a haunted apartment building with 666 Park Ave and a submarine crew gone rogue with Last Resort. While I like Dave Annabel and Terry O'Quinn, I think 666 is going to be too scary for normal viewers and not scary enough for horror viewers, and therefore  will have a hard time garnering an audience. And Last Resort just doesn't have a shot, despite powerhouse lead Andre Braugher. It's in an impossible time slot up against The Big Bang Theory, it's too serious for the 8/7 hour, it's on female-centric ABC, etc., etc. Look, producer Scott Ryan (The Shield, Chicago Code, The Unit) makes good TV, so I honestly hope I'm wrong about this one. 

And not just because I'd be delighted for Scott Speedman to be more than just "That guy from Felicity". 

Aw, no you won't, Big Ears. 

So what will you actually want to tune in for? Stay here all week for more Fall TV Preview! 

Happy Birthday to Me! (And Some Imaginary People)

Today is my 30th Birthday!

It just makes me thirty times more awesome.

Who's with me?

TV Characters Turning 30 in 2012

Stephanie Tanner

Poor middle Tanner. Not the cute twins, not the crazy-eyed sister of the religious nutcase. What's a poor little girl to do?

Ah. Well, you seem to have that figured out.

Sookie Stackhouse

God, please let me not be as annoying and useless of a 30-year-old as Ms. Stackhouse.

Although to be fair, I have not shot any of my boyfriend's crazy exes. Yet!

Randy Taylor

The one middle child who managed to be the star of the show. Adorable JTT. Remember when he was just the biggest deal ever, ladies?

Wow. This seems really wrong now, doesn't it? 

Claudia Salinger

I didn't watch Party of Five but somehow this still makes me feel old.

Why does Jack Shepard have a baby? 

Dr. Lance Sweets

Hey, Lancelot. How about for our birthdays you fix that stupid show you're on?

Or do some more stupid shit. Your call. 

Lisa Simpson

This one is a little iffy, but I'm pretty sure if Lisa had aged correctly from when the show started she'd be turning 30 this year.

I was the smartest kid in the second grade too, but my hair was not nearly as interesting.

Mary Camden

I didn't watch this show either, but I imagine she was the one who turned out to be a stripper.

Dammit! 

I'm pretty close to a couple of others: Buffy and Chuck beat me to it last year and the gang from Dawson's Creek  and Angela Chase's little sister Danielle will do it in 2013. Yeah, that one hurts.

So Happy Birthday to all of my imaginary friends....

But mostly to me!

Want to get me a present? "Like" me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter (@thetvfreak), or tell a friend where to get their TV Freak on. And stay tuned for all of the Fall TV previews, coming soon!

A Moment of Clarity

I forget sometimes why I started this blog.

It gets a little overwhelming, you know? There's a lot of television in the world, and I can't possibly watch it all, but I feel like I should. I want to be a well informed blogger. But that means, despite the fact it's just you guys reading, being TV Freak starts to feel like a job. There's always a list of shows I'm supposed to watch, and I'm never caught up, and by the time my DVR is running out of room, I've forgotten what it was I liked about TV in the first place.

And then I watch six episodes of The Newsroom in a row, and I remember.

This is TV that makes me feel something. TV that gives me goosebumps, that takes my breath away, often with the simplest or smallest of moments. The characters on this show are real people, something that doesn't happen a lot on television, and they have flaws and drives and wishes that I understand and like and hate all at the same time. There's a pace to this show, a timing that feels like real life and the best kind of poetry all at the same time, and it makes me think. It calls me on my shit and it makes me want to be a better person.

That is what TV is supposed to be, and it rarely lives up to it. When it does it's awesome.

It's just...

Sorkin.

And it makes me happy.

Battle of the Network DVRs

ABC has announced their fall schedule, making it the final network to do so and giving me a look at what's happening this fall.

Which is basically that I'm getting a second DVR.

OK, OK.... not really.

I'm just going to figure out how to add more hours to the day.

Or stop sleeping.

Whatevs, I'm totally cool!

Here are some snap judgments about the fall lineup:

Hey! It's less complicated than last year! 

It looks to me that the only times my DVR is going to be overloaded (meaning more than two shows at a given time I want to record) are Mondays at 10/9c, Tuesdays at 9/8c, and Thursdays at 8/7c. That's only three time slots, and it's much better than the five or six I had last year.

So what will I do about it?

Monday is the Castle/Revolution/Hawaii Five-0 face-off, and although I'm not nuts about what has to happen here, it's pretty easy to give the hotties in Hawaii a pass - for as long as Revolution sticks around. I love Castle, and Revolution is going to be one of those JJ's-got-a-big-mystery! shows, so you have to keep up. Thursdays aren't actually that big of a deal because I can watch 30 Rock online, so the nerds (Big Bang Theory) and the pretty vampires (The Vampire Diaries) can get the spots.

But Tuesdays. What to do on Tuesdays?

Happy Endings, New Girl, and the new Matthew Perry show Go On are all at 9/8c, followed by Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23, The Mindy Project (starring The Office's Mindy Kaling), and Ryan Murphy's new sitcom The New Normal.

I want to watch all of those things.

Duh, networks. Those shows all reach the same demographic - mine. Why wouldn't you try to spread it out?

Ugh, looking at the schedule, I get it. There really wasn't anywhere else to go. But seriously, what's a poor little TV blogger to do?

Oh, right. Assume most of that will get cancelled by October.

You know, ABC, you might be onto something....

Friday nights are a weird place in television. They call it the TV wasteland, a sure sign of cancellation, but that doesn't entirely seem to be true. CBS has been successfully running Blue Bloods and one of the CSIs on it for several years, and Fringe will finish up its run this fall, most of which has been on Fridays. It seems to be a great spot for a specific type of show.

I think ABC is attempting to bring back the golden age of Friday night sitcoms (a la the 90's-era TGIF) by running the cheesy traditional sitcoms Last Man Standing, starring Tim Allen, and Malibu County, starring Reba McEntire. And if you think about it, that kinda works. The networks are desperate for people to watch their shows live, and it just seems like the kind of people who might watch those programs are likely to be home on a Friday night, doesn't it?

Wait, they didn't hopelessly doom any of the new shows? 

For the most part.... no.

I know, I'm as surprised as you are! NBC gave Revolution the coveted slot after The Voice, a smart choice because it is their tent-pole project for the fall, and the one they need most to succeed. ABC gave Suburgatory the prime real estate after Modern Family, and followed that up with the sure-to-be-a-hit Nashville, in a great spot with little competition from the other networks. They also made a smart choice putting the supernatural drama-fest 666 Park Ave on Sundays following hits Once Upon a Time and Revenge. I think most were expecting ABC to pair Nashville with their successful Sunday night chick-fest, but I think it's a lot smarter to give 666 the sell - it's a more difficult show.

FOX put the Jordanna Spiro drama The Mob Doctor at a good spot on Monday following Bones, which makes a lot of sense, and moved Glee to after The X Factor results show, giving it a boost now that the regular cast has been "adjusted" (or whatever buzzword they're using).

So what didn't work? NBC's Do No Harm is in a hopeless spot on Sundays, as are their sitcoms on Tuesdays (I won't even bother with names, first cancellations of the season) and the CW's new Beauty and the Beast on Thursdays and Emily Owens, M.D. on Tuesdays - just too much competition. And ABC's Last Resort is a weird choice for a 8/7c show - I think it would have worked better at the 10/9c hour.


So what do you think, Freaks? Excited for Fall? Confused about all the choices?

Laughing because you totally don't watch network TV anymore?

Sound off below!

I Hate Girls: Emmy Nominations 2012

Well, Freaks, the 2012 Emmy nominations are out.

How should I put this without resorting to crude language?

The HBO show Girls, and the people who watch it, and especially the people who nominated it, make me physically ill.

Like the way listening to FOX news makes me physically ill.

Because I just don't understand how people can be so actively stupid.

It's like they are genuinely putting forth effort to be as rote and unintelligent as possible. Did you ever stop to ask yourself if this was actually a good show, Emmy voters, or were you just distracted by the soft focus lenses and the "desperation" of the hipster generation?

You know what I have to say to that desperation? Maybe you wouldn't feel so bad about yourself, "Girls", if you didn't dress like schizophrenic homeless five-year-olds.

Get a job.

You are an adult, asshole. 

It makes me so angry that this pretentious bullshit gets nominated because Emmy voters want to pretend they are sophisticated, while shows that are interesting, hilarious, or even groundbreaking get completely ignored.  Great, Modern Family got nominated again, and deservedly so, but where the hell is Parks and Recreation, Community, New Girl, Happy Endings, or Suburgatory? All of those shows are better written, funnier, and smarter, plus they have the added advantage of not making me want to shoot myself in the face.

I have no idea how Emmy voters managed to squeeze in seven Lead Actress in a Comedy nominations, but at least the stupid nod undeserved by Lena Dunham for Girls didn't take away from deserving nominees like Zooey and (mostly) Amy Poehler, who, if there is any justice in the world, will win. (Spoiler! There's not. She won't.)

And while we are at it, Kristen Wiig is NOT FUNNY.

Ever. You've never been funny ever. 

The Lead Actor in a Comedy nominations make me feel like punching things too, if only because the category has been basically the same for five years. Look, I like Alec Baldwin as much as the next girl, but by this point he's phoning it in so hard he accidentally made Capital One commercials, and Jon Cryer? You're kidding me, right? Like, last year, fine, it was because we felt sorry for him with the whole Sheen debacle, and blah, blah, but you seriously think he is a better actor than Ed Helms, Joel McHale, Jeremy Sisto, and Greg Dillahunt? Did you know that the actors over on The League are basically improvising the whole script?

Yeah, but Jon Cryer for sure.

God, Emmy, take a chance, you know?

I appreciate you adding Mayim Bialik and Max Greenfield to the standard nominees this year, but where the hell is Nick Offerman? Eliza Coupe? Donald Glover?

Look at all that acting! 

Ugh.

You know I've got less to say about dramas, because I watch fewer of them - or at least the ones that tend to get nominated. I'm not really surprised that Revenge and Once Upon a Time didn't make the cut (nor am I particularly upset about it, as much as I enjoy them) but where the hell is Justified? Sons of Anarchy? Any of the women from Game of Thrones? Look, I love Maggie Smith, but it's not like she was setting the world on fire with the second season of Downton Abbey.

Stop nominating people because you like them, voters.

I mean, Kathy Bates?

This shouldn't have even been on television, but NBC literally didn't have any other shows.

Ashley Judd?!?!?!?!


I know it's miniseries, but seriously? 


I mean, what is that? Sorry your show was terrible and got cancelled? Sorry some of us were mean about you having gained weight and you wrote a great comeback editorial about standards of beauty and what we teach our daughters? Sorry that you spend so much time squinting it really does look like you had work done on your face, even if you swear you didn't, you know, because of the daughters? Sorry that you had writers who could not give you anything to do but look worried and scream hysterically?

This is how I feel right now.

It has to be an apology, right, because people can not possibly be stupid enough to have actually nominated her for her acting performance. They just can't.

Because if they were, I might be ill.

What's that?....

Uma Thurman?

For Smash?

I...........

But.......

Oh, God........


Is that blood? 

Wait, What Happened?

I was sick.

Like, death's door sick.

Well, not really.

But I totally went to the hospital!

So you'll forgive me for leaving you all alone, fighting your way through the TV landscape without my generous guidance. I'm so sorry, my dear Freaks, it just couldn't be helped.

The good news is that I'm back to light your way again, with the luminescence of snark! Let's take a look at what I missed during my near demise:

Summer TV is, like, so fun! 

I'd pretty much given up on Burn Notice, but after running across a repeat of one of last season's later episodes, I decided to catch up on the end so I could rejoin Mr. Westen and company when the show began its sixth season in June. I'm delighted I did - the show seems to have regained its footing, and watching Michael struggle with a believably unbeatable opponent is more engaging than the the secret keeping of the past few seasons. Plus, he's all sad because Fiona is in jail. And don't we all love a man in distress?

See, he's so upset! 

I've also been enjoying Franklin and Bash and the traditionally delightful cheesiness of ABC Family's Melissa and Joey, as well as plenty of awesome SyFy shark attacks (I'm pretty sure that Jersey Shore Shark Attack is my favorite movie of all time.) I'm excited for the return of White Collar this week, not in the least because Matt Bomer seems to be sporting a little salt-and-pepper with his more gruff island-cast-away look, as well as Leverage on July 15th.

Yeah, because you ever need to look in a mirror...

Let's Talk (Really Quickly and With Big Words) About Newsroom

People seem to be hating on Newsroom. Like, a lot.

They're complaining about the speechifying; the Ross-and-Rachel-they-aren't Maggie and Jim; MacKenzie the love interest who is supposed to be a badass powerful woman and is somehow just a complete spaz; the aggressively liberal politics; the overuse of all the buzzwords; the frequent musical theater references.

Really?

Because I thought I was watching an Aaron Sorkin show.

What the hell else were you expecting?

I, for one, am delighted HBO has already greenlit the show for another season, if for no other reason than how much fun Sam Waterston is having not being on Law and Order.

Little News I Find Interesting

Once Upon a Time has cast series regulars for next season to play Sleeping Beauty and Mulan.

Huh.

Disney is just the smartest marketed company ever, aren't they?

My girl crush Elizabeth Mitchell is returning to her sci-fi fans by joining the JJ Abrams helmed Revolution this fall.

Sigh.

Damn it, now I have to hope that show is good. 

Charlie Sheen's new show Anger Management premiered to the largest audience ever for an FX show.

And then lost 38% of its audience the following week.

Ha, ha. (Because the show is terrible.)

Also, TNT renewed Dallas for a second season.

Personally, I'm hoping for a Christmas special.....

Clearly, the deal he made with the devil to still be alive did not include looking like it...

Anything else I missed, Freaks? Head to the comments and let me know!

Questions, Comments, and Concerns: Fall TV Preview

Questions:

Networks, why do you do this to me? 

So you care if people are watching TV live, right? Even though that's stupid, and they won't be at all soon, and maybe you'd like to come with the rest of us into the future where we all have DVR's and the internet (Surprise! That's now!) -you keep making a big deal out of it. So logically, the thing to do is to make it impossible for people to watch your show live.

ABC and NBC decided to have a timeslot war with FOX's giant hit New Girl, running Happy Endings and Go On (the new sitcom starring Matthew Perry)- two shows that are clearly aimed at the same demographic- at the same time. How do you think that's going to help you out? I mean, sure, people in that demographic have DVR's or watch online, but you keep bitching about how that doesn't matter! God knows the Nielsens don't seem to notice. 

Why are you allowed to make your own decisions?

And god, NBC, I know I pick on you, but for real? 

Are you kidding me?

A remake of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?

Guess you better pray that super-expensive and plot-intensive JJ Abrams post-apocalyptic thing is gonna work out for you!

Spoiler alert! It's not. 

Comments: 

There's good news for ABC in that they left the Beauty and the Beast remake to the CW, where it will join their actually-impressive looking Arrow, and because they only picked up two of their more heavy-plot genre type shows - luckily neither of which were the Roland Emerich one.

See! Sometimes Satan loses a bet! 

I'm really looking forward to The Mob Doctor with Jordanna Spiro (My Boys)- the plot seems not only interesting, but sustainable, and I'm interested to see her sink her teeth into something meaty; as well as Nashville, which I predict to be the breakout hit of the fall season- Connie Britton is a badass, and its soapy premise will make it next year's Revenge. 

I'm also giddy with excitement at the return of Will and Grace creators Max Mutchnick and David Kohan with Partners, which I hope lives up to my sky-high expectations, even though they seem to have just replaced Grace with David Krumholtz.

They certainly have the same office. 

Unfortunately, I'm less excited about the new show from HIMYM creators Carter Bays and Craig Thomas. The Goodwin Games, despite the fact that I really like Becky Newton and Scott Foley, just seems to have a really unsustainable premise (estranged siblings must endure a series of trials in order to earn their inheritance). Of course, I may have said that about HIMYM on spec too. (Or a little bit now.)

You know what is sustainable? Hatred. 

Complaints: 

Four out of the six shows I was excited about on the Pilot Preview were not picked up for series. Dammit, TV! I was particularly disappointed by the loss of Gilded Lily's, a period soap starring Madeline Zima and John Barrowman. I really thought that had potential.

Yep. Potential. 

But no, ABC, let's do a new sitcom starring Reba freaking McEntire and give Private Practice thirteen more episodes. There's no way that will be boring or repetitive! 

I'm very sad that my fall TV schedule will not feature Portia de Rossi, Judy Greer, Zach Levi, or John Goodman.

Also, with the exception of the previously mentioned Matthew Perry sitcom, all of NBC's other new sitcoms look really stupid. And like they are just trying so hard. There's a show about an animal hospital.

There's a freaking monkey.

But by all means, shelve Community in the Friday wasteland with Whitney.

Good plan!




Coming soon- the latest installment of Ask The TV Freak - so get your questions in via email, Facebook, on Twitter, or in the comments below!