Battle of the Network DVRs

ABC has announced their fall schedule, making it the final network to do so and giving me a look at what's happening this fall.

Which is basically that I'm getting a second DVR.

OK, OK.... not really.

I'm just going to figure out how to add more hours to the day.

Or stop sleeping.

Whatevs, I'm totally cool!

Here are some snap judgments about the fall lineup:

Hey! It's less complicated than last year! 

It looks to me that the only times my DVR is going to be overloaded (meaning more than two shows at a given time I want to record) are Mondays at 10/9c, Tuesdays at 9/8c, and Thursdays at 8/7c. That's only three time slots, and it's much better than the five or six I had last year.

So what will I do about it?

Monday is the Castle/Revolution/Hawaii Five-0 face-off, and although I'm not nuts about what has to happen here, it's pretty easy to give the hotties in Hawaii a pass - for as long as Revolution sticks around. I love Castle, and Revolution is going to be one of those JJ's-got-a-big-mystery! shows, so you have to keep up. Thursdays aren't actually that big of a deal because I can watch 30 Rock online, so the nerds (Big Bang Theory) and the pretty vampires (The Vampire Diaries) can get the spots.

But Tuesdays. What to do on Tuesdays?

Happy Endings, New Girl, and the new Matthew Perry show Go On are all at 9/8c, followed by Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23, The Mindy Project (starring The Office's Mindy Kaling), and Ryan Murphy's new sitcom The New Normal.

I want to watch all of those things.

Duh, networks. Those shows all reach the same demographic - mine. Why wouldn't you try to spread it out?

Ugh, looking at the schedule, I get it. There really wasn't anywhere else to go. But seriously, what's a poor little TV blogger to do?

Oh, right. Assume most of that will get cancelled by October.

You know, ABC, you might be onto something....

Friday nights are a weird place in television. They call it the TV wasteland, a sure sign of cancellation, but that doesn't entirely seem to be true. CBS has been successfully running Blue Bloods and one of the CSIs on it for several years, and Fringe will finish up its run this fall, most of which has been on Fridays. It seems to be a great spot for a specific type of show.

I think ABC is attempting to bring back the golden age of Friday night sitcoms (a la the 90's-era TGIF) by running the cheesy traditional sitcoms Last Man Standing, starring Tim Allen, and Malibu County, starring Reba McEntire. And if you think about it, that kinda works. The networks are desperate for people to watch their shows live, and it just seems like the kind of people who might watch those programs are likely to be home on a Friday night, doesn't it?

Wait, they didn't hopelessly doom any of the new shows? 

For the most part.... no.

I know, I'm as surprised as you are! NBC gave Revolution the coveted slot after The Voice, a smart choice because it is their tent-pole project for the fall, and the one they need most to succeed. ABC gave Suburgatory the prime real estate after Modern Family, and followed that up with the sure-to-be-a-hit Nashville, in a great spot with little competition from the other networks. They also made a smart choice putting the supernatural drama-fest 666 Park Ave on Sundays following hits Once Upon a Time and Revenge. I think most were expecting ABC to pair Nashville with their successful Sunday night chick-fest, but I think it's a lot smarter to give 666 the sell - it's a more difficult show.

FOX put the Jordanna Spiro drama The Mob Doctor at a good spot on Monday following Bones, which makes a lot of sense, and moved Glee to after The X Factor results show, giving it a boost now that the regular cast has been "adjusted" (or whatever buzzword they're using).

So what didn't work? NBC's Do No Harm is in a hopeless spot on Sundays, as are their sitcoms on Tuesdays (I won't even bother with names, first cancellations of the season) and the CW's new Beauty and the Beast on Thursdays and Emily Owens, M.D. on Tuesdays - just too much competition. And ABC's Last Resort is a weird choice for a 8/7c show - I think it would have worked better at the 10/9c hour.


So what do you think, Freaks? Excited for Fall? Confused about all the choices?

Laughing because you totally don't watch network TV anymore?

Sound off below!

I Hate Girls: Emmy Nominations 2012

Well, Freaks, the 2012 Emmy nominations are out.

How should I put this without resorting to crude language?

The HBO show Girls, and the people who watch it, and especially the people who nominated it, make me physically ill.

Like the way listening to FOX news makes me physically ill.

Because I just don't understand how people can be so actively stupid.

It's like they are genuinely putting forth effort to be as rote and unintelligent as possible. Did you ever stop to ask yourself if this was actually a good show, Emmy voters, or were you just distracted by the soft focus lenses and the "desperation" of the hipster generation?

You know what I have to say to that desperation? Maybe you wouldn't feel so bad about yourself, "Girls", if you didn't dress like schizophrenic homeless five-year-olds.

Get a job.

You are an adult, asshole. 

It makes me so angry that this pretentious bullshit gets nominated because Emmy voters want to pretend they are sophisticated, while shows that are interesting, hilarious, or even groundbreaking get completely ignored.  Great, Modern Family got nominated again, and deservedly so, but where the hell is Parks and Recreation, Community, New Girl, Happy Endings, or Suburgatory? All of those shows are better written, funnier, and smarter, plus they have the added advantage of not making me want to shoot myself in the face.

I have no idea how Emmy voters managed to squeeze in seven Lead Actress in a Comedy nominations, but at least the stupid nod undeserved by Lena Dunham for Girls didn't take away from deserving nominees like Zooey and (mostly) Amy Poehler, who, if there is any justice in the world, will win. (Spoiler! There's not. She won't.)

And while we are at it, Kristen Wiig is NOT FUNNY.

Ever. You've never been funny ever. 

The Lead Actor in a Comedy nominations make me feel like punching things too, if only because the category has been basically the same for five years. Look, I like Alec Baldwin as much as the next girl, but by this point he's phoning it in so hard he accidentally made Capital One commercials, and Jon Cryer? You're kidding me, right? Like, last year, fine, it was because we felt sorry for him with the whole Sheen debacle, and blah, blah, but you seriously think he is a better actor than Ed Helms, Joel McHale, Jeremy Sisto, and Greg Dillahunt? Did you know that the actors over on The League are basically improvising the whole script?

Yeah, but Jon Cryer for sure.

God, Emmy, take a chance, you know?

I appreciate you adding Mayim Bialik and Max Greenfield to the standard nominees this year, but where the hell is Nick Offerman? Eliza Coupe? Donald Glover?

Look at all that acting! 

Ugh.

You know I've got less to say about dramas, because I watch fewer of them - or at least the ones that tend to get nominated. I'm not really surprised that Revenge and Once Upon a Time didn't make the cut (nor am I particularly upset about it, as much as I enjoy them) but where the hell is Justified? Sons of Anarchy? Any of the women from Game of Thrones? Look, I love Maggie Smith, but it's not like she was setting the world on fire with the second season of Downton Abbey.

Stop nominating people because you like them, voters.

I mean, Kathy Bates?

This shouldn't have even been on television, but NBC literally didn't have any other shows.

Ashley Judd?!?!?!?!


I know it's miniseries, but seriously? 


I mean, what is that? Sorry your show was terrible and got cancelled? Sorry some of us were mean about you having gained weight and you wrote a great comeback editorial about standards of beauty and what we teach our daughters? Sorry that you spend so much time squinting it really does look like you had work done on your face, even if you swear you didn't, you know, because of the daughters? Sorry that you had writers who could not give you anything to do but look worried and scream hysterically?

This is how I feel right now.

It has to be an apology, right, because people can not possibly be stupid enough to have actually nominated her for her acting performance. They just can't.

Because if they were, I might be ill.

What's that?....

Uma Thurman?

For Smash?

I...........

But.......

Oh, God........


Is that blood? 

Wait, What Happened?

I was sick.

Like, death's door sick.

Well, not really.

But I totally went to the hospital!

So you'll forgive me for leaving you all alone, fighting your way through the TV landscape without my generous guidance. I'm so sorry, my dear Freaks, it just couldn't be helped.

The good news is that I'm back to light your way again, with the luminescence of snark! Let's take a look at what I missed during my near demise:

Summer TV is, like, so fun! 

I'd pretty much given up on Burn Notice, but after running across a repeat of one of last season's later episodes, I decided to catch up on the end so I could rejoin Mr. Westen and company when the show began its sixth season in June. I'm delighted I did - the show seems to have regained its footing, and watching Michael struggle with a believably unbeatable opponent is more engaging than the the secret keeping of the past few seasons. Plus, he's all sad because Fiona is in jail. And don't we all love a man in distress?

See, he's so upset! 

I've also been enjoying Franklin and Bash and the traditionally delightful cheesiness of ABC Family's Melissa and Joey, as well as plenty of awesome SyFy shark attacks (I'm pretty sure that Jersey Shore Shark Attack is my favorite movie of all time.) I'm excited for the return of White Collar this week, not in the least because Matt Bomer seems to be sporting a little salt-and-pepper with his more gruff island-cast-away look, as well as Leverage on July 15th.

Yeah, because you ever need to look in a mirror...

Let's Talk (Really Quickly and With Big Words) About Newsroom

People seem to be hating on Newsroom. Like, a lot.

They're complaining about the speechifying; the Ross-and-Rachel-they-aren't Maggie and Jim; MacKenzie the love interest who is supposed to be a badass powerful woman and is somehow just a complete spaz; the aggressively liberal politics; the overuse of all the buzzwords; the frequent musical theater references.

Really?

Because I thought I was watching an Aaron Sorkin show.

What the hell else were you expecting?

I, for one, am delighted HBO has already greenlit the show for another season, if for no other reason than how much fun Sam Waterston is having not being on Law and Order.

Little News I Find Interesting

Once Upon a Time has cast series regulars for next season to play Sleeping Beauty and Mulan.

Huh.

Disney is just the smartest marketed company ever, aren't they?

My girl crush Elizabeth Mitchell is returning to her sci-fi fans by joining the JJ Abrams helmed Revolution this fall.

Sigh.

Damn it, now I have to hope that show is good. 

Charlie Sheen's new show Anger Management premiered to the largest audience ever for an FX show.

And then lost 38% of its audience the following week.

Ha, ha. (Because the show is terrible.)

Also, TNT renewed Dallas for a second season.

Personally, I'm hoping for a Christmas special.....

Clearly, the deal he made with the devil to still be alive did not include looking like it...

Anything else I missed, Freaks? Head to the comments and let me know!

Questions, Comments, and Concerns: Fall TV Preview

Questions:

Networks, why do you do this to me? 

So you care if people are watching TV live, right? Even though that's stupid, and they won't be at all soon, and maybe you'd like to come with the rest of us into the future where we all have DVR's and the internet (Surprise! That's now!) -you keep making a big deal out of it. So logically, the thing to do is to make it impossible for people to watch your show live.

ABC and NBC decided to have a timeslot war with FOX's giant hit New Girl, running Happy Endings and Go On (the new sitcom starring Matthew Perry)- two shows that are clearly aimed at the same demographic- at the same time. How do you think that's going to help you out? I mean, sure, people in that demographic have DVR's or watch online, but you keep bitching about how that doesn't matter! God knows the Nielsens don't seem to notice. 

Why are you allowed to make your own decisions?

And god, NBC, I know I pick on you, but for real? 

Are you kidding me?

A remake of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?

Guess you better pray that super-expensive and plot-intensive JJ Abrams post-apocalyptic thing is gonna work out for you!

Spoiler alert! It's not. 

Comments: 

There's good news for ABC in that they left the Beauty and the Beast remake to the CW, where it will join their actually-impressive looking Arrow, and because they only picked up two of their more heavy-plot genre type shows - luckily neither of which were the Roland Emerich one.

See! Sometimes Satan loses a bet! 

I'm really looking forward to The Mob Doctor with Jordanna Spiro (My Boys)- the plot seems not only interesting, but sustainable, and I'm interested to see her sink her teeth into something meaty; as well as Nashville, which I predict to be the breakout hit of the fall season- Connie Britton is a badass, and its soapy premise will make it next year's Revenge. 

I'm also giddy with excitement at the return of Will and Grace creators Max Mutchnick and David Kohan with Partners, which I hope lives up to my sky-high expectations, even though they seem to have just replaced Grace with David Krumholtz.

They certainly have the same office. 

Unfortunately, I'm less excited about the new show from HIMYM creators Carter Bays and Craig Thomas. The Goodwin Games, despite the fact that I really like Becky Newton and Scott Foley, just seems to have a really unsustainable premise (estranged siblings must endure a series of trials in order to earn their inheritance). Of course, I may have said that about HIMYM on spec too. (Or a little bit now.)

You know what is sustainable? Hatred. 

Complaints: 

Four out of the six shows I was excited about on the Pilot Preview were not picked up for series. Dammit, TV! I was particularly disappointed by the loss of Gilded Lily's, a period soap starring Madeline Zima and John Barrowman. I really thought that had potential.

Yep. Potential. 

But no, ABC, let's do a new sitcom starring Reba freaking McEntire and give Private Practice thirteen more episodes. There's no way that will be boring or repetitive! 

I'm very sad that my fall TV schedule will not feature Portia de Rossi, Judy Greer, Zach Levi, or John Goodman.

Also, with the exception of the previously mentioned Matthew Perry sitcom, all of NBC's other new sitcoms look really stupid. And like they are just trying so hard. There's a show about an animal hospital.

There's a freaking monkey.

But by all means, shelve Community in the Friday wasteland with Whitney.

Good plan!




Coming soon- the latest installment of Ask The TV Freak - so get your questions in via email, Facebook, on Twitter, or in the comments below! 

Bringing the Heat: Summer TV Preview

Is it hot in here, or is it just TV?

I'm sorry. That was lame.

Hey, summer TV is here!

I know. It's kinda soon, right? I mean, honestly, I haven't even finished all of the little bits of the regular network  schedule, and now it's time to overload my DVR with fluffy summer goodness?

However will I manage?

Oh. OK. 

So what should you be watching?


The Newsroom (HBO, premieres June 24) 

Aaron freaking Sorkin!

God. This show better be as good as it should be. No more Studio 60's, ok, Aaron? Make the show you were trying to make then- West Wing in a TV Studio.

Who am I kidding? The promo almost made me cry.

It's Aaron freaking Sorkin, and he's back with a pissed off Jeff Daniels and Sam Waterston in a bow tie. I just could not be more excited.

Oh, god, it looks like West Wing and Sports Night had a baby.
(It's possible I'm blowing this out of proportion a little bit. )

Dallas (TNT, premieres June 13) 

Don't lie. You know you're excited for all of the boozing, back-stabbing soapy goodness.

OK, well I am. It's Dallas! I'm excited to watch Patrick Duffy spend a whole new season sighing about how he doesn't want to live this way, I really like Jordana Brewster and Brenda Strong, and I am not mad about watching Jesse Metcalfe amble around in a cowboy hat.

Bring on the pool fights!

Oh, somebody is getting a fist to the face. Or at least a highball of whiskey. 

Franklin and Bash (TNT, premieres June 5) 

Zach Morris and the pothead from Clueless are back as my favorite TV man-boy lawyers. This show is guilty pleasure at its best!

Hey! I'm glad to see you too! 

Single Ladies (VH1, premiered May 28)

Oh god, no this is guilty TV at its very best.

I'm honestly not even sure it has a plot.

Anger Management (FX, premieres June 28) 

Hey, Charlie Sheen has a new show. He plays an asshole with addiction and women issues.

So it's new, and different.

Yep, looking good. And not at all crazy. 

Suits (USA, premieres June 14) 

I missed this shows' first season, not for lack of interest, but for lack of time. I have been assured by those whose TV opinion I trust that I will need to marathon in order to rectify this and be ready to go for the fast talking action of season two. Bring on the (fake) lawyers!

Yeah, I can see this is going to be a struggle. 

Perception (TNT, Premieres July 9) 

I'm really happy that Eric McCormick has a show on TV.

I'm not going to watch it.

The whole A Beautiful Mind Helps the FBI vibe doesn't really do it for me. But hey, if that's your kinda thing, this one looks like a good one. Best of luck, Will Truman!

This is what happens when you lose your hag. 

True Blood (HBO, premieres June 10) 

Christopher Meloni joins the gang in Bon Temps this season as the head of The Authority, and here's hoping he came to stir up trouble while he's stirring up trouble (if you know what I mean). I'm looking forward to more Alcide and a possibly dead Tara (I know she's not dead, but a girl can dream), and absolutely no more three-ways at all. For a show all about sex, they sure made that uncomfortable, didn't they?

Anybody wanna place a bet on how long it takes him to get naked? The O/U is at 12 seconds. 

What else is happening?

Burn Notice returns alongside Suits on June 14, White Collar and Covert Affairs will be back July 10. Rizzoli and Isles joins Franklin and Bash on the 5th, while other TNT fave Falling Skies will return (With Terry O'Quinn, no less!) on June 17. The Leverage gang is back July 15. FX's weirdo comedies Wilfred and Louie will join the Sheen on June 28th, and everybody's favorite meth dealer is back when Breaking Bad returns for its final season on July 15th. Happy TV-ing!

Winners, Losers, and Meh: Season Finale Wrap Up

Well, Freaks, the regular TV season has come to a close. How'd everybody do?

Winners: 

Castle

Dear Bones-

That's how you do it.

Love, People Who Watch TV

Yep, yep. That's how it's done. 

The Vampire Diaries

I should have seen it coming. I mean, it was so obvious, it was a giant pink-elephant-shaped anvil in the middle of the screen. But somehow, I didn't. And it kicks ass.

Now she has eternity to choose between sweaty, sweaty lovers! 

Scandal

Wow, Scandal, I'm impressed. The last thing I wrote about this show was that I hated the smarmy president, and thought Olivia should just get over being played by a jackass. And in one episode, they managed to get me to do a complete 180. I love him, I think he's hot, I'm tearing up over their Romeo-and-Juliet-level tragic romance. Well done, show. Plus, great twisty plot swerves and an exciting cliffhanger to get us all back next year. I'm impressed. Now don't get all Shonda Rhimes next year, ok?

Ooh, this I'm on board with though! 

New Girl

This show is just awesome. Schmidt doing the "White Fang"? Jess and the wolf? Nick freaking out? Pure awesomeness.

Oh, Nick. Nothing a rousing game of True American can't fix! 

Losers: 

How I Met Your Mother

Ooh, such a shocker, the bride was Robin! Um, of course, it's the only conceivable option when the person requests to speak to Ted. Wooptie doo. Ted, meet me at camera three.

Ted, the entire audience cheered when Robin finally gave you the "You're full of crap" speech we'd all been thinking for seven years, and then what do you do? The same old crap. I don't care if Victoria was "the one" at some point, right now you are stealing a woman from her wedding. How is that any different than chasing after Robin or Stella or Zoe? She's still unavailable really, and you're still talking a big game about commitment and then running away from it. With Victoria. Ugh.

I was really looking forward to some character growth from you, Ted.

Also, how could you love someone with such bad taste in wedding dresses?  What's happening on that shoulder there? Is she going to be the Fly Away Bride? 

Revenge

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the unabashedly soapy nature of this show, and therefore applaud the ridiculous explosion; even though we all know they didn't get rid of Victoria Grayson. It's the rest of it that bugs me. I don't believe that Emily, however much she wanted to honor her father, would leave the white haired man as a loose end- he knows she's Amanda. And does it bug anybody else that she has more chemistry with Nolan than she does with Jack? I'm also a little nervous about the whole "The Initiative" thing- it sounds like JJ Abrams, and we all know how those shows end. (Sadly, and with viewers throwing things at the TV.)

Yeah, they just borrowed the set from LOST. (Who borrowed it from Alias. Initiatives everywhere! )

Meh:

Once Upon A Time

So...the curse is broken. Um, show? That was kinda your whole thing.

The face you make when you realize they just made your character irrelevant. 

Community

I know you were trying to wrap it and keep it open for another season, and that's hard, and don't get me wrong, I love any excuse to stare at Joel McHale shirtless, but the whole thing felt really forced to me. Guess it was a good way to start saying goodbye to this show, which will have what is sure to be its thirteen episode swan song next year.

I'm going to miss you, abs. I mean, show. 

And all the sudden I've realized that I'm not watching enough TV. I promise to do better next year, Freaks, if you'll promise to head to the comments with your praises and gripes!

April Showers

April is a long month in TV land. There's just not much happening, is there, Freaks? It's not quite finale season yet, so none of the shows are having big exciting drama, nothing new is premiering, there's not even any industry news.

It makes it hard to write a TV blog.

I mean... what to say?

I could tell you that I watched Magic City, and while I want most of the clothes and jewelry it features, I do not give a crap about any of the characters. It was described as The Sopranos meets Mad Men and the problem is that it is trying very hard to be just that.

And failing miserably.

But god, it's trying hard. From the we-get-it-it's-Sinatra plot line (and BTW- were the mob bosses gonna let the union guys screw with Frankie's big New Year's Eve concert? Methinks not.), to the extremely gratuitous nudity, to the long melancholy gazes of Jeffery Dean Morgan, everything was just trying so hard. Please don't even get me started on the mobster's wife who seduces the son, because she's trying so hard to act sexy she's probably sweating diamonds.

Honey, real sexy is effortless.

Give me that dress, you don't deserve it. 

I could tell you that I adored the Law and Order parody from Community this week, that I found it to be the sweet spot that show hits when it does meta perfectly- it's weird without trying to be weird, it's paying sincere homage to its source material while making fun of it, and that it used plot developments to choose the perfect material to satire, but....

Do you watch Community?

The ratings would indicate that you don't.

You are a horrible person who is going to kill my favorite show. Are you happy with yourself? 

You might watch New Girl though, which I think you'll agree keeps getting better and better. I am desperately hoping that Nadia the Crazy Russian Model becomes a regular occurrence, because I died laughing at everything she said. I love the guys and the group dynamic, and it's really nice that they've figured out a way to temper Zooey's quirky shit into a likable character.

Because I'll tell you, her iPhone commercial makes me want to take a bat to her adorable face.

Yes, it's fucking raining. You're looking at it.

I could also tell you that I just can not make up my mind about Scandal. I hate the casting for the President, he's smarmy, which is unfortunately making me care less about Olivia's struggle with her feelings for him. You got played by a jackass, honey. You're a smart woman - deal with it. I enjoy the show, I'm just hoping that it ramps up next year and really blows my socks off.

I can tell you that I have the last two weeks of Revenge unwatched on my DVR. Why?

Apparently I didn't miss it as much as I thought.

And that I keep watching Bones despite the fact that it makes me miserable. Seems I can't quite find the line between hopeful and time-wasting.

Ok, well it's never entirely wasted time...

But all of those things seem a little blah, don't they, Freaks?

Where's the TV passion? Where's the fire and brimstone? Where's the vitriol, aimed (with love, mostly) at the shows and networks that need my help?

Should I use it to tell The Office it's time to hang up the employee badge? Tell Cougar Town that while I love it, I also understand why people don't? To tell The Vampire Diaries, once again, to stop having themed school dances before my brain explodes?

Yes, because of course the entire school knows how to jitterbug. Go to hell. 

Meh.

I think I'll just save it for May.