For Your Eyes Only

Burn Notice was back last night with a vengance (Hi, Hottie! We missed you!)

So let's do:


Top Ten TV Spies


Chuck Bartowski, Chuck

Hey, remember back when Chuck was just a sad little nerd working at the BuyMore, and even with the Intersect in his head, he was still having to stay in the car? I loved that Chuck, but I really love awseome spy Chuck, who wears suits and kicks some serious ass. I really could watch him and Sarah and Casey just be awesome spies for years. Sadly, Chuck will come to an end next year, but we will always remember him as the spy who loved Sarah. And Star Wars.

Who knew you could be this nerdy and this hot all at the same time?

Kelley Robinson and Alexander Scott, I Spy

Good looking spies with banter? Yes, please! That's exactly how we love our spies, quipping and kicking ass all at the same time. These dashing agents masqueraded as a tennis pro and his trainer, but all they really served up was enjoyable epionage. And a great theme song.

Emma Peel, The Avengers

The originator of what is lamely known as "spy-fi", The Avengers fought comic-book-style supervillians on a weekly basis, and no one looked better doing it than the buxom Ms. Peel. Seriously. Look at her:

Oh, she had a superpower...

Michael Westen, Burn Notice

The cool and collected spy who cares, Michael might have been burned by his agency, but he keeps doing what he knows. We love the spy knowledge voice overs, the Sam banter, the steamy relationship with Fiona, but mostly, we just love him being a badass.

It takes a real badass to pull off flip flops.

Jack Bauer, 24

There were bombs. And a lot of betrayal. And a dead wife. And a whole lot of Middle Eastern terrorists. It's like a tea party wet dream.

In a rare contemplative moment, Jack Bauer thinks, "Why is the sky orange?"

Maxwell Smart, Get Smart

OK, so he might be the worst spy on the list, but dammit if he wasn't funny! This smart satire pitted Smart, Agent 99, and the other CONTROL agents against the hilariously named KAOS and introduced us to such brilliance as the shoe phone.

I have a birthday coming up. Though, obviously, I'd prefer a higher heel.

Jim Phelps, Mission Impossible

As leader of the kick ass IMF squad of agents, Phelps navigated exploding tape recorders and evil assassins with classy aplomb.

This is classier than you will ever be.

Angus MacGyver, MacGyver

The quintessential 80's superspy, complete with acid-wash jeans and a hot mullet, MacGyver was such a part of the zeitgeist his name has become a verb. That's how you know you've reached the big time, kids. To be fair, the man can make a bomb out of gum and paper clips.

He made this one out of toilet paper and dreams.

Napoleon Solo and Illya Kuryakin, The Man from U.N.C.L.E

Solo was originally billed as the James Bond of television, and in fact, Ian Fleming helped to create the pilot movie in 1963. But it was the relationship between the two agents, and the interesting choice to use a Russian spy as one of the good guys, that cements this show in history. There were lunchboxes, people. Lunchboxes!

This was my lunchbox. Let's see those commies try to take my Little Debbie.

Sydney Bristow, Alias

Perhaps I am biased, as it is a well documented fact that I love this show (and particularly its first two seasons), but I truly believe that Sydney was a phenomenal character. This is a regular girl, who in the beginning of the show is just a smart, athletic college kid who wants to make a difference in the world. When everything crashes down around her, it's fascinating to watch her become the superspy she needs to be in order to protect herself and those she loves. Plus, and I don't know if I've metnioned this before, but...

On the same show.

Well, Freaks, thats all the espionage I have for you, so dash covertly into the comments and let me know what you think!

It's an honor just to be nominated (If you win)

Emmy nominations won't be announced until July 17th, but I've gotten ahold of the list of eligible nominees, Freaks, and I'm here to break it down for you.

Because it's summer, and there's nothing else to write about.

Next week.

Until then, here's some things that might surprise you about the Emmy submissions:


It's the only awards show that awards other awards shows

Yep, Emmy has a special category (named "Special Class", which is hilarious enough) that goes to variety shows, stand up acts, and yep, other awards shows, including this year's Oscars, Tony's, ESPY's, and Scream awards. Surprisingly enough, you can not get an Emmy for producing the Emmy's. Whaaaaaat?!

Did you know this existed? No, you did not. Spoiler alert! Vampires won everything.

Commercials get nominated too?

Weird, huh? But they do, and past winners include such greatness as the "Man Your Man Could Smell Like" Old Spice commercials, but criminally NOT "The Most Interesting Man in the World", which as I believe my Dad and brother will attest to, are commercials so good if they punched you in the face, you'd have to quell the urge to thank them. This year's crop of potential nominees include more Old Spice, all of the ones you remember from the SuperBowl, and gems like the American Airlines commercial where they use our appreciation for members of the armed services to convince us to use their airline.

You are lucky I can't find this video, American. Shame on you. Can't you use children and old people like everyone else?

Terrible shows think they can be part of the party

I honestly don't know if The Secret Life of an American Teenager thinks that they are a better show than they are, or if they genuinely believe in the dramatic brilliance of teen star Shailene Woodley (see my review of her in April's Greatness Personified ), but either way, up against list heavys like Katy Segal and Lauren Graham, it just looks silly. TBS thinks you should nominate Are We There Yet?, another of their pandering Tyler Perry-type sitcoms, and Spike TV wants you to nominate their college football "comedy" Blue Mountain State. Let me repeat that. Spike TV wants you to nominate a show starring Denise Richards.

Aaaand, there goes breakfast.

Even cancelled shows want to get in on the game, with submissions from bygone shows like Breaking In, The Good Guys, Mad Love, The Cape, Hellcats, Human Target, and Outsourced. Yep, Outsourced.

So what does all this mean? Mostly nothing. After all, networks don't have anything to lose by submitting things they know are crap, it makes their genuine nominees look better by comparison. I mean, no one would think to nominate Kate Walsh for Private Practice, but up against Hellcat's Aly Michalka and Summer Glau from The Cape, she's looking pretty talented.

Sophia Bush hopes Emmy voters won't see through this cunning, cunning plan.

The missing are interesting, too

If a network is going to submit pretty much their entire show roster for consideration, the few shows that are missing are interesting. Often, in the case of 90210 or Meet the Browns, these were clearly intelligent, possibly humanity-saving choices. In others, such as American Dad or The Defenders, it makes you wonder. Not because these are great shows, but because they are clearly at least as good as other submissions from the same networks, such as Human Target or Shit My Dad Says, which is to say, really, really terrible. Also interesting? Two and a Half Men is noticeably absent.

I can't imagine why.

Sometimes people make stupid choices

The choice between listing an actor as "Lead" and "Supporting" is difficult, but really, really important, and a lot of people get it really wrong. Taylor Labine, who was absolutely the best thing about the lackluster show Mad Love, is inexplicably nominated as a lead, which means even if voters wanted to reward him for trying to save a sad show, they wouldn't be able to, because he can't compete with Alec Baldwin. Of course, then, no one can. And how the hell is Rob Lowe a lead on Parks and Recreation? He would be guaranteed a nomination in Supporting, and possibly even a win (he's brilliant) but he doesn't work as a lead.

And how is the hot and awesome Yvonne Strahovski, who plays Sarah on Chuck, not the lead actress on that show? It might be called Chuck, but at this point they could change it to I Married a Spy or whatever, because its clearly about the two of them. Honestly, I'm pretty sure she never had a shot anyway, because Chuck has never been an awards-show favorite, but she would have been better off fighting in the small category. Here, to make her feel better, watch her be awesome in this pop star parody:

Unfortunately, rules also prevent many people from entering the "Guest" category, which would give many a better shot at a nomination. Denis O'Hare, who played the great Russel Edgington on True Blood last season, might have had an actual shot if he'd been billed as a "Guest Star", but he's been relegated to "Supporting", and thus has no chance.

We still enjoyed you, sir. Although not as much as that Eric had to get naked to kill your boyfriend.

Stay tuned, Freaks, this is just the beginning of the sure-to-be-awesome-and-possibly-exhausting series of rantings on the Emmys appearing on this blog.

I know you just can't wait.

Father Knows Best...Sometimes

Hi, Freaks! I hope you've got your ties and socks ready for gifting this Sunday, because it's Father's Day. In honor of whoever your favorite Dad is, let's do:


Top Ten TV Dads (and their Greatest Character Flaw)

Ward Cleaver, Leave It To Beaver

Aah, the 50's. Such an idyllic, peaceful, completely white time. All Ward had to do was work in his "office" doing his "job" and come home to a hot meal and children to scold. You know how mischievous little boys are, they don't mean any harm, and Ward made sure to send them on their way with a moral lesson and a good hair ruffling.

Major Character Flaw: Hugely sexist. Possibly racist. Definitely poisoning his children's dinner, as you can see from this clip:

                                       Mmmm! Hamburgers with carcinogens? Better than ketchup!

Mike Brady, The Brady Bunch

Mike Brady was the calm and goodhearted dad to the wild and wacky (and occasionally rock star) Brady kids, and how great that he just loved those little blond girls as much as his own crazy boys? He's got "You see kids..." wisdom in spades, and has a cool job as an architect. That is Grade A Dad material right there.

Major Character Flaw: Man, he was kinda boring. Right?

That suit, however? Not boring.

 Cliff Huxtable, The Cosby Show

Everyone wanted Bill Cosby to be their Dad in the 80's. He was funny, sweet, completely in love with his wife, and willing to put up with stupid Theo, crazy Denise, and a Cockroach. Plus, he could dance! Well, sorta.

Major Character Flaw: Sartorially challenged. Of course, I bet it's easier to control your children when they can be hypnotized by your sweater.

                                                          As well as his mad mic skills.

Steven Keaton, Family Ties

Originally intended to be a "hip" parent with "square" kids, the 80's got to Daddy Keaton as son Alex P. became the star and spent most of the time showing out out of touch Dad was. But come on, he had beliefs! Plus, you know he recycled.

Major Character Flaw: A damned dirty hippy.

Seriously, look at how high they are.

Dan Conner, Roseanne

Good ole' blue collar Dan loved football, beer, and his old dirty couch. But even more than that, he loved his kids, even when one of them completely changed into a different person after a few years.

Major Character Flaw: Not so big on the "talking" thing. This is still one of my favorite TV Dad moments of all time (and great acting from John Goodman):

Danny Tanner, Full House

Almost retro in his wholesomeness, Danny was an advice and hug machine, dealing with three girls and their very dramatic problems. Plus, Kimmy. Seriously, everybody has an annoying neighbor on TV. Lazy choice, guys.

Major Character Flaw: Um, the creepy bachelor uncles who lived in the house with his three young girls. Jesse was alright, but that other one...

Yeah, would you let this guy anywhere near your kids?

Hal, Malcom in the Middle

Even though he doesn't have a last name, this hilarious Dad tried really hard to keep his kids in line. Well, not really, but he stayed out of the way while his wife did it, and that's a great dad!

Major Character Flaw: He's a little...um, how shall I put this...nervous?

Somebody just asked him what he wanted in his coffee.

Jack Bristow, Alias

This Spy Daddy might have had a hard time expressing his feelings, but there's nothing he wouldn't do for his darling daughter Sydney.

Major Character Flaw: Yeah, there's also no one he wouldn't kill for her either.

If that had been your dad's face, you'd have always cleaned your room.

Hank Hill, King of the Hill

Another good ole' boy Dad, Hank tried so hard to accept his strange son Bobby, even though the kid would have rather written poetry than played football. That's love, kids.

Major Character Flaw: Might have loved propane even more than his kid.

Adam Braverman, Parenthood

If you are lucky, Adam reminds you of your own Dad. He genuinely enjoys his kids, and wants to keep them safe and happy all the time. Even if, bless his heart, he's not always good at it.

Major Character Flaw: Doesn't know how to say no, except for when he should say yes.

Look at that Dad face. He's so disappointed in you.

The nice thing for me is that even if you put all of these awesome dads together and created one SuperDad, he still wouldn't be as awesome as mine.

Happy Father's Day, Daddy!

Heat Wave

Now that network TV has left us hanging for three months, it's time to find out what's going to keep you inside with your AC this summer!

Summer's Hottest TV

True Blood (HBO, premieres June 26)

A recent inductee to this fangtastic (sorry, had to be done) HBO series, I am eagerly awaiting whatever new craziness is happening in Bon Temps and my new favorite vampire in various states of undress. OK, fine, and the one that gets on my nerves a bunch too....

Guess which one is which.

Franklin and Bash (TNT, premiered June 1)

This fluffy and charming show starring the adorable Breckin Myer and my childhood love Mark Paul Gosselaar did great ratings when it premiered on TNT this week, and shows signs of being another successful procedural for the network. It's funny and cute, but don't expect it to surprise you too much.

You can, however, be surprised by what excellent taste I had a a child.

Burn Notice (USA, premieres June 23)

How's life going to be for our favorite burned spy now that he's no longer burned? Yeah, I don't care either, I'm just looking forward to Sam wisecracking, Fiona blowing stuff up, and Michael running around looking hot. Yay, summer TV! Plus, this summer will feature Gavin Rossdale as a special guest villain. 15-year-old-me is freaking out.

28-year-old me? Not so much.

Falling Skies (TNT, premieres June 19)

Noah Wylie guest starts in this Steven Spielberg-produced big-budget summer miniseries. Yep, that means aliens!

Where is Will Smith?

Single Ladies (VH1, premiered May 30)

A little soapy goodness in this silly drama from VH1, trying to get give MTV competition with original programming. Is it trashy? Yep. Ridiculous? Yep. Addictive as hell? You got it.

Stacy Dash!

White Collar (USA, premieres June 7)

Our favorite con man-fed team is back, bringing the banter to crack more cases and hopefully tell us what was up with the secret room full of stuff. Also...

There are odds in Vegas about how often I can use this picture.

Leverage (TNT, premieres June 26)

This great con-job show returns to give us more quips, costumes, and The Sting-style twists. Also...

Are you sensing a theme? It's hot guys. The theme is hot guys.

Wilfred (FX, premieres June 23)

Definitely the summer's weirdest show and biggest gamble, this new FX comedy stars Elijah Wood as a mentally disturbed man who sees his neighbor's dog as a person. Could be hilarious, could just be uncomfortable.

I see Elijah's been taking acting lessons from Gollum...

The Nine Lives of Chloe King (ABC Family, June 14)

This new show is right in ABC Fam's wheelhouse, about a teenager who has to choose between a cat-themed supernatural destiny and a cute boy at school. You know you love it.

I'm guessing the surprise is he's an angsty teenage dog.

The Closer (TNT, premieres July 11)

Kyra Sedgwick is back as Brenda Lee Johnson for the last time before the show transitions to Mary McDonnell's Captain Raydor, so expect lots of "Strong Female" battles.

Not like this.

Bring on the heat!


Other important dates:

Men of a Certain Age (TNT, June 1); Covert Affairs (USA, June 7); The Protector (Lifetime, June 12); Pretty Little Liars (ABC Family, June 14); Memphis Beat and HawthoRNe (TNT, June 14); Drop Dead Diva (Lifetime, June 19); Weeds and The Big C (Showtime, June 27); Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO, July 10); Rescue Me (FX, July 12); Breaking Bad (AMC, July 17); Entourage (HBO, July 24)