Full of Goodies : November Sweeps

I tried so hard, Freaks.

I thought, "You know, it's Halloween, I should give my dear sweet readers a treat. Maybe they would like a big chocolatey cake? Or cookies? I make delicious chocolate chip cookies. I know! I'll give them lots of candy, but the good kind, no Smarties or caramel chews here!"

Shame on you, little old lady. This is not candy.

And then I realized that this is the internet.

I can't give you candy over the internet.

So instead, how about the sweet deliciousness of November sweeps?

November Sweeps Preview

Oh, we are in for some kickass TV this month, Freaks. I've got a sugar high just thinking about it!

Bonus points if this is what your brain just did.

What sort of crazy excitement should you be looking forward to? Let's start with tonight, where Katie Holmes will be guest starring on How I Met Your Mother as the long-awaited Slutty Pumpkin. I'm not sure I'm entirely nuts about this casting, as "Slutty Pumpkin" was one of my favorite episodes and I've felt a little weird about Holmes since she got her robot upgrade to Mrs. Tom Cruise, but the previews look pretty good, and I like that the show took an unexpected approach to the character.

A Google search for "slutty pumpkin" is more interesting than expected.

In very exciting news for one of my loyal readers, Jennifer Tilly will guest on Modern Family, as the girlfriend of Jay's pal Sonny (Chazz Palminteri) who ruffles Gloria's feathers, and Leslie Mann will make waves between Cameron and Mitchell. (Nov 2) The Thanksgiving episode also promises a "Punkin Chunkin" competition with the whole clan, so I think I can safely say we are all looking forward to that.

Some of you are still more focused on these punkins.

The awesome and oddly-accented David Anders (Alias, The Vampire Diaries) is showing up to be evil on Once Upon a Time, and Goran Visnjic is going to keep being yummy on Pan Am. Ringer is also getting a little guest star love, in the form of Andrea Roth (Rescue Me), who is coming to stir up even more trouble as Andrew's ex-wife and Juliet's mother. Depressingly, The Vampire Diaries November 10th "Homecoming" episode, while promising lots of crazy action and shocking twists, will be the show's midseason finale, so don't expect any more sexy vampires until the new year.

Unless this is your thing.

Missing FOX shows Raising Hope, New Girl, and Glee will be back November 1st, and the latter has big things in store for TV's cutest gay couple, Kurt and Blaine, including their first time and a new guy who gets in between them. The Glee Project winner Damian McGinty will start his arc, and Jonathan Groff will return as the smarmy Jesse.

Don't forget that Burn Notice and Bones are back this week, Freaks, and if you're like me and still a little bitter about how the whole Booth and Bones thing went down, then I recommend the following promo video. Prepare for squee.

What delicious tidbit are you most excited about, Freaks?



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Once Upon an Awesome

It finally happened, Freaks!

After months of watching, countless hours logged with my remote, even posts about how boring fall TV has been, somebody decided to do something different.

They made a good show. And then put it on network TV.

I know, I know. I'm stunned too.

Once Upon A Time premiered last night, and judging from the great ratings (highest non-sports ratings of the night) there were lots of people tuning in. If you weren't one of them, you missed an exciting and ambitious ride.

Ill admit, I didn't even want to like this show, due mostly to my insane petty jealousy of Gennifer Goodwin  and my annoyance at Jennifer Morrison's misguided stint on HIMYM last year, but damn it if it wasn't the first show of the season I ended thinking, "That was awesome! I can't wait for next week!"

The show switches deftly from Make-Believe Land, where Snow White (Goodwin) has just married Prince Charming (Josh Dallas) and the Evil Queen (Lana Parilla) promises a curse that will destroy all of the happy endings, to the "real world" where Emma Swan is a bounty hunter confronted with the son she gave up for adoption a decade ago. Morrison is fantastic as the tough Swan, using her natural wryness to great effect, and showing impressive moments of vulnerability.

Vulnerability and cheekbones.

The rest of the cast (on both sides of the reality divide) are fleshed out with familiar fairy tale characters turned townsfolk, including Jiminy Cricket and Gepetto, Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf, and Snow's faithful dwarfs. Emma Swan seems to be the key to breaking the curse and releasing the characters from their prison in Storybrook, Maine and back to fairy tale world where they belong. It's a great premise made better by fantastic production values (the music is particularly spectacular, as are the costumes) and it's nice to have a show that feels like it could reach a wide audience.

Yeah, I'm not talking about you. You are so cancelled.

So after you tune in to Once Upon A Time next week, dear Freak, do you know what you should do? Keep watching. Don't change the channel, and give the much-improved Pan Am a shot. Look, this show is not perfect, and it does lack some of the gravitas one would expect from its West Wing pedigree, but it has made a valiant effort to develop the characters, creating more interesting and complex storylines. It got started by dealing with the childhood trauma experienced by Colette (the great Karine Vanasse) during the Nazi occupation of France, a dark turn for the usually more lighthearted fare. The relationship between sisters Kate (Kelli Garner) and Laura (the ethereally beautiful Margot Robbie) has developed genuine-seeming problems, and former "just-the-playboy-sidekick" Ted earned a character-expanding backstory of his very own. Is it occasionally still fluffy? Sure, but it's trying, and it has the potential to be a really great show.

But only if it gets to stay in the air.

Oh, ha ha! See what I did there?

So get to watching, Freaks!

Feel the Burnout

Freaks, I have a confession to make, and it's something I never thought I'd ever say.

I'm tired of TV.

I know, I know, I know...

OK, well, that's not really true.

I love TV. I couldn't possibly be tired of it. Except...

I'm completely overwhelmed by my DVR. I sit down at night, pick up my remote, and then...panic. There are just so many shows on there. So many things to watch! Where do I begin?

That question is the heart of the matter, Freaks. Maybe you too are feeling a little overwhelmed by the vast crop of mostly useless new shows, maybe a little bad about not being super pumped about returning shows that were your previous favorites.

If this is what you just thought of, get off of my blog.

I feel you.

So where do I begin?

Well, if what is piling up on my DVR is any indication, it's not with The Good Wife, which I think is great, but because I missed the first two seasons I have a hard time caring about. It's not with Nikita, which is also really well done, a fun and exciting spy show that just never seems worthy of the play button. It's not with new shows Person of Interest, Prime Suspect, 2 Broke Girls, Whitney, Terra Nova, or The Secret Circle, all of which I watched and fell flat enough that they were not deemed worthy of my precious time. None of those shows are bad, but none of them are very good, either. It's the first year I can remember where nothing new has rocked my world.

Aw. We do miss you.

That is not to say that some of the new shows that have managed to remain are not enjoyable. I've kept Up All Night, Hart of Dixie, Ringer, Suburgatory, Revenge, and Pan Am. But let's tell the truth, even that batch isn't setting the world on fire, right? Up and Suburgatory are amusing sitcoms, but can't compare to the creative excellence of Modern Family, Happy Endings (are you watching that yet?), Community, and Parks and Recreation. Hart, Ringer, Revenge, and Pan are pretty good if fluffy dramas, but I'm never dying to watch any of them.

What am I dying to watch? What gets an automatic play from The TV Freak?

Gets automatic play from the TV Freak.

Aside from the four sitcoms I mentioned above, it's Psych, which is always well written and extremely funny. (Last night's Hangover-inspired episode was a new personal favorite.) The Vampire Diaries, which is full of shocking, fast paced action this season. Castle, which should pay Nathan Fillion a bajillion dollars for making that show so incredibly enjoyable. How I Met Your Mother, which I think has really come back from last year's creative slump.

I'm excited for the return of Bones (Nov 3) and Chuck (Oct 28) but where will I find the time? With missing episodes of Glee, which is just not doing anything for me this season. I'm over Lea Michelle's constant face, Schuster's cloying relationship with Emma, and the recycled plotlines. The show's only saving grace for me at this point is the increase in screentime for Darren Criss, who I would watch sing the phone book.

Or Maroon 5. 

Same goes for Parenthood. Truth be told, I can not figure out why I don't love this show. It's well acted. It's well written. The kids are amazing actors. Peter Krause is one of my favorite things in the world, and not in the least because Adam Braverman is bizarrely reminiscent of my dad. I like Lauren Graham, even if she's still just doing Lorelai. I don't hate Dax Shepard. I have no good explanation for how little feeling this show evokes in me, but it's the truth. I just don't care.

Ironically enough, I do care about this. OMG, you guys!  

I enjoy NCIS, but not enough to make the time for it, at least until some more of these new shows I'm watching get cancelled, ditto for House, Law and Order: SVU, and Hawaii Five-0 (despite that show's improvement with the much-needed addition of Terry O'Quinn). I'm giving new shows Once Upon a Time (Oct 23) and Grimm (Oct 28) one shot to blow my socks off before they get scrapped from the "scheduled" list as well. Even Burn Notice (Nov 3) might get put off until everything goes repeats, because I didn't even get a chance to miss it before it was back.

I'm just a little jam-packed right now.

But don't worry, Freaks. I'm going to keep myself overwhelmed, watching all of the good stuff and lots of the bad, just so I can tell you all about it. I wouldn't want you to miss your regular dose of snark, now would I? I know how much you all look forward to it.

It's more than this, right? Right?
Oh, God, is is more than this?

If you haven't yet, Like me on Facebook (TV Freak) and follow me on Twitter (@theTVFreak)!

Cue the Laugh Track

Listen, TV, you know I love you. Even though you spend time with horrible "real" people and can't stop participating in glorified talent shows, you really are one of my closest friends.

Which is why it pains me to tell you....

You do a bunch of stuff that sucks.

It's OK. Don't freak out. I'm here to help. I want to help you be better, TV, because I care. So listen to my advice here, and let's stop doing these terrible, terrible things, OK?

I beg of you.


TV Cliches That Need to Be Stopped


Oh, really? They weren't listening? HILARIOUS!

This joke:

Person 1: Blah, blah, blah...random and probably unimportant story...blah, blah, blah...
Person 2: (On phone, or staring at a hottie, or whatever) Uh huh.
Person 1: Crazy thing I say to show how much you aren't listening to me! You aren't listening to me!

Me: Argahahhhhhhh!!!!!!!! Stop it!!!!!!!!!

This joke was tired when Friends did it in 1995, Whitney.

So was this one. I feel like we could have this conversation a lot, Whit.

I wonder if she's single...

OK, I know Free Agents got cancelled. Do you want to know why? Because the only way they could figure out how to show the main female character was lonely and single is to have the shot of the lone Lean Cuisine and bottle of wine sailing down the grocery checkout belt. And then later she bought more wine and yelled at the bagger for asking if she was having a party.

No! Because she's all alone! All alone, I tell you! It's not like a smart, funny, attractive single woman would have any friends to drink with on a Saturday night. Of course not. She's going to sit at home and drink four bottles of wine while listening to Abba.

Ugh.

How could this hideous monster not be alone?

Wait, your high school didn't have a professional costume department?

How is it that every costume party, themed dance, parade, hayride and Halloween on TV comes with perfect costumes? And who are these people who wear them to everything? As a Halloween freak, I can tell you how difficult it is to get people to show any interest in a costume, which is that it's nearly impossible. Where's the guy wearing the name tag that just says, "Hi, I'm Batman"? Or the girl who is clearly just wearing her junior high cheerleading uniform because the skirt is shorter? Yes, I'm talking to you, Vampire Diaries. Really? There just happen to be fifteen full scale Gone With the Wind dresses in your tiny town? And people willing to wear them?

Yes, that is also exactly how my high school dances looked. In my sad, lonely head. 

Damn, I sure am tired of all these balls!

And while I'm on you, CW, I have another grievance. What is with your tiny towns and all of their activities? There are constant picnics, cookouts, county fairs, fundraisers, galas, themed dances, and freaking Founder's Day Parades in all of your sleepy (albeit generally overrun with the supernatural) little towns. What the hell is a Founder's Day parade, and do you think people actually have these things? You know who goes to a ball, Secret Circle? No one. Oh, the Annual Gumbo Cookoff is the day after the parade, Hart of Dixie? How silly of me, of course! I realize writers generally need a way to get all of the characters together in one space, but when it's every single episode it becomes a really tired gimmick.

Don't forget guys, tomorrow is the Annual Vampire Luau and Quilting Circle!

Oh, you rascally ethnic stereotype!

I apologize in advance for this, Freaks, but it's ranting time. 2 Broke Girls is constantly rated in the top five new shows with TV critics. People whose opinions I usually respect and agree with enjoy this show, find it refreshing, edgy, and hilarious. I am confounded by this. I can not possibly understand. I keep watching, because I feel like, you know, maybe it's me. Maybe I have missed the point, or I'm not smart enough, or I have been so distracted by Kat Dennings' giant boobs that I failed to notice how hilarious and awesome this show is!

One of these things seems the most likely.

Nope.

Because it's not. Good, that is.

Why? Because it is pedestrian and lazy. The three "side" characters rounding out the 2 Girls are a pimpin' old black guy, a horny Eastern European, and an America-obsessed Asian. What, no room for the matchmaking Jewish mother? The spicy curvy Latina with the shrill voice? The catchphrase-spouting gay guy?

Here's the thing: stereotypes usually exist for a reason, and they can be really funny. That Latina? She's killing it over on Modern Family. The gay guy? The best part of Happy Endings. (Which you should really be watching.) But the only way that stereotypes are funny is if they come in a complete character package. The side dishes on 2 Broke Girls do not. They exist in order to drop one liners (which are not really funny) and to set up the main characters for stupid "we're so different!" moments.

Well, see, little lady, she's blonde and you're brunette! But I'd still have sex with both of you!

You should be better, show.

Maybe you would like to try hiring writers, and not monkeys with typewriters.

It's just a suggestion.







Want more snark? Like me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter, @theTVFreak!

I'm Psych-ed!

After a much-too-long hiatus, USA's awesome Psych returns to my TV tonight, and I just could not be happier to welcome back my long-gone friends.

What?

No, I mean...Obviously, I realize that Shawn and Gus are not really....what I'm saying is....

Oh, shut up. I have real friends too.

We also solve murders while dropping witty pop culture references!
Oh, wait. No we don't.

In honor of my TV friends' return, let's do:


5 Best Psych Episodes


"Spellingg Bee" - Season 1

I knew this show was good stuff because this episode, the show's second, was even better than the pilot, and I'd loved the hell out of that. It's crazy capers at the regional spelling bee, complete with a childhood Shawn and Gus backstory, and it also traded in the usually delightful Anne Dudek for the much better suited Maggie Lawson, beginning the Shawn and Juliet saga.

Best Random Pop Culture Reference:  Bananarama!

"Black and Tan: A Crime of Fashion" - Season 2

This hilarious episode follows Shawn and Gus into the high class world of Santa Barbara modeling, which is exactly as brilliant as it sounds. I adore all of the peccadilloes this one brings out in Gus, making Shawn the less crazy of the duo if only for one episode. The show also does a great job, as it often does, of spoofing not only the culture it's focusing on, but the cliches about that culture familiar to all pop culture fanatics.

Best Real World Advice, Fellas: "Gus, remember the rule, treat a woman like a person, then a princess, then a Greek goddess, then a person again."

The ladies also love a matching scarf set. 

"Murder?...Anyone?...Anyone?...Bueller?"  - Season 3

Shawn tries to solve a murder at his 13 year class reunion, despite having no body, weapon, motive, or suspects. Guest starring the lovely Rachel "She's All That" Leigh Cook, this this great send up of 80's teen movies hits the perfect note for me every time.

Best Homage : Psych does a lot of homage episodes, which I absolutely adore, but this one is by far the best. Hits all of the John Hughes moments, as well as lots of other small teen movie cliches, like sneaking into the girls' locker room, the one that got away, and Judd Nelson. Because everything is better with Judd Nelson jokes.

"High Top Fade Out" - Season 4

With all-star guest turns from Jaleel White and Keenan Thompson, this episode treats us to Gus' awesome boy band days, along with the obvious murder-solving.

Fine, fine, fine. I'm a sucker for Dule Hill singing. And anything related to Boyz II Men. And gold lame jam pants.

Best Theme Song Remix: Holy crap, they actually got Boyz II Men!

"Polarizing Express" - Season 5

This is going to be a...um, if you'll forgive me, polarizing choice. (You don't have to, I'm not sure I do.) Psych has a lot of Christmas episodes to choose from, and even I wasn't sure about this one the first time I saw it. But after a rewatch, it became one of my favorites, and here's why: After years of spoofing everything, the show finally takes on itself. Sure, it's going after the Christmas Carol cliche, but it's also having fun making fun of itself for using it. Is it schmaltzy? A little. Is it weird? A little. Hard to explain? Perhaps, but brilliantly done. Plus, Tony Cox!

Best Line: "Gus, don't be the way Eriq La Salle spells Eriq."

However, I would imagine he'd be on board for you rocking this sweet 'do.

Did I miss your favorite, fellow Psych Freak? Don't be an eskimo pie, head to the comments!