April Showers

April is a long month in TV land. There's just not much happening, is there, Freaks? It's not quite finale season yet, so none of the shows are having big exciting drama, nothing new is premiering, there's not even any industry news.

It makes it hard to write a TV blog.

I mean... what to say?

I could tell you that I watched Magic City, and while I want most of the clothes and jewelry it features, I do not give a crap about any of the characters. It was described as The Sopranos meets Mad Men and the problem is that it is trying very hard to be just that.

And failing miserably.

But god, it's trying hard. From the we-get-it-it's-Sinatra plot line (and BTW- were the mob bosses gonna let the union guys screw with Frankie's big New Year's Eve concert? Methinks not.), to the extremely gratuitous nudity, to the long melancholy gazes of Jeffery Dean Morgan, everything was just trying so hard. Please don't even get me started on the mobster's wife who seduces the son, because she's trying so hard to act sexy she's probably sweating diamonds.

Honey, real sexy is effortless.

Give me that dress, you don't deserve it. 

I could tell you that I adored the Law and Order parody from Community this week, that I found it to be the sweet spot that show hits when it does meta perfectly- it's weird without trying to be weird, it's paying sincere homage to its source material while making fun of it, and that it used plot developments to choose the perfect material to satire, but....

Do you watch Community?

The ratings would indicate that you don't.

You are a horrible person who is going to kill my favorite show. Are you happy with yourself? 

You might watch New Girl though, which I think you'll agree keeps getting better and better. I am desperately hoping that Nadia the Crazy Russian Model becomes a regular occurrence, because I died laughing at everything she said. I love the guys and the group dynamic, and it's really nice that they've figured out a way to temper Zooey's quirky shit into a likable character.

Because I'll tell you, her iPhone commercial makes me want to take a bat to her adorable face.

Yes, it's fucking raining. You're looking at it.

I could also tell you that I just can not make up my mind about Scandal. I hate the casting for the President, he's smarmy, which is unfortunately making me care less about Olivia's struggle with her feelings for him. You got played by a jackass, honey. You're a smart woman - deal with it. I enjoy the show, I'm just hoping that it ramps up next year and really blows my socks off.

I can tell you that I have the last two weeks of Revenge unwatched on my DVR. Why?

Apparently I didn't miss it as much as I thought.

And that I keep watching Bones despite the fact that it makes me miserable. Seems I can't quite find the line between hopeful and time-wasting.

Ok, well it's never entirely wasted time...

But all of those things seem a little blah, don't they, Freaks?

Where's the TV passion? Where's the fire and brimstone? Where's the vitriol, aimed (with love, mostly) at the shows and networks that need my help?

Should I use it to tell The Office it's time to hang up the employee badge? Tell Cougar Town that while I love it, I also understand why people don't? To tell The Vampire Diaries, once again, to stop having themed school dances before my brain explodes?

Yes, because of course the entire school knows how to jitterbug. Go to hell. 

Meh.

I think I'll just save it for May.

Things I Love/Things I Hate

Thing I Love: 

After the casting of my hero Eddie Izzard as Grandpa and reading this great interview with creator Bryan Fuller, I'm officially pumped for the Munsters reboot, Mockingbird Lane. I'm also excited that NBC has such a buzz-worthy and potentially awesome show on its hands. It feels like they could give fantasy success story Once Upon a Time a little competition, especially if they pair the show with Grimm for a family friendly night of cool supernatural TV. Don't screw this up, NBC.

It's Hogwarts Orange County! 

Thing I Hate: 

Yeah, I won't hold my breath, because they put new sitcom Best Friends Forever on Wednesday night "Happy Hour" (vomit) where this smart, funny, engaging show that features women who are not the ones I want to stab in the face (Yep, talking about you, Whitney) has been buried underneath other, shittier shows. It's a shame. I'd tell you to watch it, but between the terrible name, complete lack of promotion, and banishment to the most shameful "girl's night" of television ever, I don't have much hope of it lasting.

My hell = NBC Wednesday nights.

Thing I Love: 


Fairly Legal has stepped up, and with the addition of witty-banter Ben (Ryan Johnson), has become a more well-rounded, fun and fluffy weekly escape. The brewing love triangle with Kate, Ben and ex-hubby Justin make it feel like a rom-com, it's great to see Lauren become a complete character, and I'm loving the addition (however shortlived it may be) of Tahmoh Penikett - plus, it was amusing to see Helo and Anders in suits.

And again, I can not emphasize this enough - I went to college with the black guy.

Thing I hate: 

Scandal is not The West Wing. I'm not saying it's not a good show; it is and I enjoy it and plan to keep watching, but it has potential I'm not sure it's going to embrace. There are brief glimpses of the show it could be, but I'm not sure that either creator Shonda Rhimes or ABC have the stones to let it. I want more for lead character Olivia Pope (played with vulnerable aplomb by Kerry Washington) than just being heartbroken- I hope that they can allow her to become the well rounded female lead I want her to be - a fiercely smart woman who uses the system she knows to fight for those who need her. I want the show to live into, not shy away from, it's potential intelligence and genuine moral complexity. You can be more than a soap, more than a procedural, Scandal. Smart people like TV too.

Although I see how you could be confused.

Thing I Love: 

Matt Bomer on Glee. Matt Bomer should be on all shows, always. And he should always be singing.

Thing I Hate: 

I had to say goodbye to both Happy Endings and psych until fall. Boo.



So what do you think, Freaks? Any TV tirades you're dying to share? Head to the comments! That's also where you can post your burning questions for the next round of Ask the Freak, coming soon! Or you can email me, or Facebook me, or hit me up on Twitter (@theTVFreak), or text me, or hire an airplane to follow me around with one of those giant banner signs.

Whatevs, it's up to you.

But seriously, bonus points for the airplane.

The Problem in the Bones

If you'd told me years ago when I started watching Bones that the episode that featured the birth of the child of Booth and Brennan would be awful, I'd have laughed until I cried.

I wouldn't have cared- it would be Baby Bones!

Turns out, I would have been wrong.

That was possibly the worst episode of television I've ever seen.

And I'm pissed about it.

Screw you, Hart Hanson. The Brennan-Booth dynamic was what made this show one of the best procedurals on TV, and what inspired legions of dedicated fans. We loved the adorable banter, the romantic tension, the waiting with baited breath to see these two crazy kids get it together. And you screwed it up.

Because you were more scared of a ratings drop than doing justice to the characters and story you'd created.

Truthfully, I think the "Moonlighting curse" is bullshit that demeans the intelligence of the audience anyway, but you do not get to just skip over it and think it won't affect the quality of your show. It makes me insane that I flinch when I hear Booth tell Brennan that he loves her. My brain instantly goes, "Really? Do you? And when did we get to the point where you say that?"

I should be excited when he says that, not confused.

The whole episode was confusing, actually. The opening scene featured a father speaking to his daughter about pooping, and promising her candy and a cat if she would use the toilet. I think this was a horrific attempt at comedy, which also makes me think the writer's room ordered their sense of humor from the back of a cereal box. I am not a fourteen-year-old-boy, writers, although apparently you might be. (Also, side note, Booth: a six-year-old isn't "potty training", a fact which, as a person about to become a father for the second time, I might hope you'd know.)

Of course it was a Daisy episode, with the obscenely annoying and shrill intern flitting around constantly referring to Brennan's lady bits and trying to seduce Sweets in Brennan's office. The Single White Female vibe she gives off might have been amusing for a minute years ago, but it became trying long ago- kill her.

I recognize that TV procedurals take a lot of leeway with the "science" of their evidence collecting, but there are limits to the amount of stupidity you can expect me to swallow, show, and it does not include getting fingerprints from paper using only cocoa powder and then BEING ABLE TO SUCCESSFULLY TAKE A CELL PHONE PICTURE OF THEM THAT WILL BE ADMISSIBLE IN A COURTROOM. 

That's not even an iPhone. 

I'm sorry.

Have I mentioned that I'm pissed?

I didn't even talk about Angela being able to magically recreate the prison shiv that was used in the murder from the bone fractures with a never-before-seen bajillion-dollar piece of equipment, or that she was able to decipher "1/3" and "marg" from the paper, therefore allowing her to find the precise cookbook from which it came, or that some random dude in prison was expected to be knowledgeable enough to turn vinegar into some sort of acid for dissolving a body, because those things make me feel like my brain is bleeding and I've got shit to do in life.

No, no, let's talk about what really matters.

Lets talk about the arrival of Baby Brennan.

I mean, obviously Bones was going to go into labor in the prison. After walking through the middle of a riot unharmed. (A riot which, by the way, looked more like a Three Stooges episode than one led by actually violent criminals and allowed Booth -the federal officer- to also emerge unblemished.) After the brilliant doctor thought she was just experiencing Braxton Hicks contractions (the go-to get out of labor free card on TV).

And then somehow, she didn't have time to drive 30 minutes to a hospital.

This is my number one pet peeve of all time- it does not take twenty minutes from the minute someone starts having contractions until the baby is just shooting out of there. For first time mothers, it's usually closer to 16 hours.

Let me say that again: SIXTEEN HOURS. 

You had time to make it to the hospital, Bones. You had time to make it home, inflate the water bath, and fly your doula in from her hippie commune in Boulder. You did not have to do what you did.

What are you screaming about? I'm the one who had to watch this shit.

Oh, god. The humanity of it. I'm not even sure I can talk about it, Freaks.

You might become homicidal. You might become suicidal. You might question your own sanity, because it is not possible that a previously well-written and engaging show would use a hamfisted Christ metaphor to introduce a new baby.

That is madness.

I can not tell you how right you are.

They got denied from an inn. They had to give birth, just the two of them, in a barn. Well, more of a manger, really. Because of the animals.

I am not making this up.

It happened.

I saw it.

In slow motion.

And then they went home, looking remarkably rested and un-bloody to a surprise party their friends threw together, complete with champagne, which of course Brennan can drink now.

An hour after she gave birth in a manger.

That is just face-meltingly STUPID. 

Picture me, at home on the couch, except Bones made me the Nazi from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Seriously, show, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart-

Screw you.

I'm done.

Boreanaz, let me know when you get something new to do!

Like This, Watch That, Don't Bother

Oh, my darling Freaks. I'm so sorry it's been so long.

I have no excuse.

Might I make my apologies in the form of overly dramatic TV recommendations and put downs?

Excellent. Let's do this!


If you like: 

Mean Girls

Watch: 

Suburgatory

This show has really slipped under the radar, but manages to be irreverent and really funny every week. Jane Levy's witty and sarcastic deadpan Tessa is the perfect compliment to the fluffy fun cast of characters, and Cheryl Hines is really superb. It's doing well in ABC's comedy block, so I expect it will be back next year, which is good news for fans of this smart, mocking gem. Also, Alicia Silverstone is set to guest star with Jeremy Sisto!

Um...do I know you from somewhere? 

Don't bother with: 

GCB

I was excited for this show, about a reformed mean girl who moves back to her hometown and has to deal with the conniving drama of all the girls she wronged, but it just didn't live up to the potential for me. Don't get me wrong, it's not bad, it's just not as good as I wanted it to be. The ratings have been lackluster as well, so don't expect these bitches to be back for a season two.

Don't worry, sweetie, those boobs will get a new show! 

If you like: 

Revenge

Watch: 

Scandal 

This show premieres tonight on ABC (10/9) and although I've only been able to see part of the pilot, I was totally hooked. It's a great cast, it's an exciting premise for a procedural, and honestly- there's a West Wing super-fast-banter vibe that just makes my heart go pitter-pat. The show is getting good reviews, and promises lots of good soapy drama from creator Shonda Rhimes, so give it a shot tonight if that seems like your thing.

Don't bother with: 

Ringer

Aw, I kinda hate this, because the show has really picked up the pace and thrown lots of twisty, crazy plotlines at me, but the ratings are just not good enough for the CW to justify the price tag. Bye, SMG! We'll always have Sunnydale....

It's a shame, there's much more side boob in the city. 

If you like: 

Dawson's Creek

Watch: 

Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23

This show premieres on April 23 on ABC, but I've seen the first few episodes and while I'm not entirely sure I'm sold on the show as a whole, I am completely sold on the awesome James Van Der Beek, playing himself to hilarious effect. If you were a fan of the Creek, you are definitely going to want to check this show out, if for no other reason than to watch him roll his eyes at Paula Cole songs.

Also, the Beek got hot.

Don't bother with: 


Cougar Town

This breaks my heart, Freaks, it really does, because this show built a dedicated fan base last year and had a decent shot of becoming a ratings success this year, but it got screwed by ABC's stupid scheduling and lack of support. Despite Dawson alum Busy Philipps' awesome performance (the best of the whole cast, in my opinion) it won't live to see the fall. I'll miss you, show!

I wonder how I will deal with the pain?

If you like: 

TV shows that should have been movies

Watch: 

Awake or Missing

Awake is really good, but it turns out the complicated plot would have been better suited for a movie - it feels slow and unsustainable. Missing would have been a terrible movie, but at least it would have only been like 90 minutes of Ashley Judd's weird new face delivering awful dialogue and running.

Stop it right now.

Don't bother with: 

Either of them actually, they are both totally cancelled.



Worried about the fate of any of your other favorite shows? Post them in the comments or on the Facebook page, and I'll get you the goods in an upcoming post!