Steamy Summer? Meh, Not Quite.

It's a good thing I 've got vacation plans this summer, Freaks, because the summer TV schedule is looking bleak indeed. 

You can find the full list of summer premieres here, but let's see if we can find a few bright spots, shall we? 

Mistresses (ABC, premiered June 3) 

Soapy, silly fun. Look, it's summer, enjoy yourself! 

Also, Scandal isn't back until September. 

Graceland (USA, June 6) 

In true blue USA fashion, they've taken what should be a ridiculous premise, a bunch of undercover agents live in a house together on the beach, and made it fun and full of bromance and banter. The perfect summer show, and a great accompaniment to the final season of the great Burn Notice. 

Yep, totally watching for the banter. 

Under the Dome (CBS, June 24) 

Summer's most widely anticipated show, this series, based on the Stephen King novel of the same name, centers on a small Maine town that is mysteriously trapped, you guess it, under a dome. Why? How? Who cares? It's post-apocalyptic type drama plus small town crazy, and it should be a fun ride. 

Wait, they can fingerpaint the dome? That's going to make it much more fun! 

Camp (NBC, July 10) 

The summer camp premise is a good one, so this show lives and dies on the chemistry of the cast and the sophistication of the jokes - neither of which seems promising from what I've seen so far. 

So, Rachel, I see we're making that face a lot....

Other things NBC is burning off over the summer: Crossing Lines, the Donald Sutherland helmed international "thriller" about elite cops; Siberia, which seems to be "What would happen if Survivor took place on a haunted island?"; and Get Out Alive! With Bear Grylls, which is definitely the best named show of the summer. 

Alive and sexy. 

King and Maxwell (TNT, June 10) 

In TNT's rich tradition (Rizzoli and Isles, Franklin and Bash) of naming their tv shows after law firms, King and Maxwell brings us Rebecca Romijn and that-guy-who-played-The-Closer's-husband (Jon Tenney) as snarky detectives who I'm sure have delightful banter and will-they-won't-they chemistry. (If it's half the chemistry Rizzoli and Isles have, it'll be one hot show.) Major Crimes premieres the same night. 

Ray Donovan (Showtime, June 30) 

Hey, if you're not sick of the complicated male anti-hero who does bad things while failing to deal with his family, then this new Showtime series starring Liev Schreiber as the titular character should be right up your alley. If you are, then you won't care that Dexter is back the same night. 

Ooh, see, he's walking away from the light! He's all dark and complicated! 

Orange Is The New Black (Netflix, all episodes available July 11) 

By far the most promising new show of the summer, Orange is based on the memoir of the same name, the story of Piper Chapman, a pretty white girl from a rich family and the year she spent in prison. Helmed by Weeds creator Jenji Kohan, it's sure to bring the funny with the pain. 

What do you mean "toilet wine"? 

Whose Line is it Anyway? (CW, July 16) 

I have an unabashed weakness for this show. Always have. Seriously, watch this clip, and tell me Wayne Brady isn't a national treasure: 

And that Colin Mochrie doesn't make you feel OLD. 

Notable returning highlights: 

Falling Skies (TNT, June 9), Switched at Birth (ABC Family, June 10), Magic City (Starz, June 14), True Blood (HBO, June 16), Copper (BBCA, June 23), Suits (USA, July 16), Web Therapy (Showtime, July 23), Breaking Bad (AMC, Aug 11). 

Finally, something woke the Freak!

I'm baaaaaaack! 

Well, maybe. 

It's been a long drought of a TV spring, hasn't it, my little Freaks? 

Even the shows I like have been kinda....

Well, not great. 

I'm talking to you, Community. 

And you, HIMYM. 

And you, Doctor Who. (Shit, I know. SACRILEGE!) 

Really, it's pretty much everything. 

It makes your dear blogger very sad. 

This whole blogging thing? Only works when I have feelings. 

I have no feelings about Revenge. I end an episode of Castle thinking about my to-do list, not what might happen on the next one. I've left piles on the DVR of Justified, Suburgatory, Bones, Raising Hope, Go On, and Hawaii Five-0. 

Because, meh. 

There have been a few beacons of light in this bleak TV landscape. Arrow kicks serious ass. (And his ass is seriously kickin'.) Scandal leaves me gasping every week. New Girl and Parks and Recreation make me actually laugh out loud every single week, and I have sincerely enjoyed the great last season The Office is having. (Although I'm also very glad it is their last, it was time.) 

But really, that's it. 

So what made your world-weary TV blogger come flying back to the keyboard? 

ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod

IT'S JOSS WHEDON

I can not BEGIN to explain to you how excited I am about this show. The trailer just gave me goosebumps, and that was at least the fourteenth time I've watched it.

Joss Whedon has a new show on TV. On an actual network. With a budget. About superheroes. With Gunn!

It's going to be AWESOME.

And it's not the only one. 

Ready for some snap judgement?

Let's do this!

ABC

In addition to Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (that will be the one and only time I type that correctly), which I may have mentioned, the Alphabet is bringing more fairy tales to life with the spin-off Once Upon a Time in Wonderland. I was initially really skeptical about this, but the trailer makes a hell of an argument. Sophie Lee as Alice is great casting, and I think the love story could punch up the drama in a way that the original Once should consider. Plus, I am just a sucker for crossover episodes.

I'm also a fan of Trophy Wife, starring Malin Akerman as wife number three to Bradley Whitford and his bevy of children and previous wives, including the great Marcia Gay Harden; and think that, despite the difficult 1980's-set premise, The Goldbergs might have legs.

The rest of the network's schedule looks awful. I'm voting Back in the Game, which looks like a terrible feel-good Hallmark movie someone tried to make into a series, as the first death of the year. Please also kill Killer Women (why is that the name of a show about one lady?), Mixology, Betrayal, and Lucky 7, which also all look really hackneyed. And why do people keep giving Christian Slater shows? He's terrible at them. Mind Games will be no different.

I am almost positive this is the exact same cast from the last shitty show he did.

(I know the rest of the world is sold on Rebel Wilson, but I'm not yet, so I'm reserving judgement on Super Fun Night.)


NBC

The peacock is apparently going for a new "family" thing in the fall, so, vomit.

It seems like they think the way to do this is to make sitcoms from 2002. Welcome to the Family is about a mexican family and a white family that have to get along! Sean Saves the World is about Jack McFarland trying to raise a teenager! The Michael J. Fox Show is about Michael J. Fox having a show! Ironside is about a renegade cop who gets the bad guy but doesn't follow procedure. But he's in a wheelchair!

Ugh.

Yes, that makes it better. 

FOX

It seems like FOX has more new shows than it should. One of these is based on the legend of Sleepy Hollow (inventively named Sleepy Hollow), that features what I can only imagine to be the 1700's most impeccably groomed man waking up in modern day and being paired with a black female cop.

Just let that sink in for a second.

I'm sure he was a very progressive member of Pre-Revolutionary America. 

Moving on, who wouldn't love Greg Kinnear being a charming jerk on Rake, and a remake of the british show Gavin and Stacey, which stars the too-adorable for words Alexis Bledel and Jason Ritter. Anybody else think it's weird he's now put the moves on both of the Gilmore Girls?

Yep, it's weird! 

Dads and Enlisted can also shut the hell up, I can't even decide which is worse, but I am hopeful for Andre Braugher and Andy Samberg in Brooklyn Nine- Nine. The other sci-fi nerds should join me in being excited about Almost Human from JJ and JH (Wyman, from Fringe), which should be the 2nd most promising nerd offering of the year. (Have you heard about this SHIELD show?)

There will be more later, from these networks and the ones I haven't covered (because they haven't put out trailers, silly!), but I will leave you with this final hint of the beautiful treats to come...

Oh, hell yes. 

Back Already?

This happens every year, Freaks. All the shows go on hiatus in later November or December and I think, "Oh, good! Now I will have time to catch up on all the shows I want to watch that I don't!"

And then... I don't.

It seems that I forget about holidays, or family in town, or the many, many hours I must spend baking cookies and watching Lifetime Christmas Movies.

So, sorry, Homeland. And The Wire. And the last half of Game of Thrones. And Girls (which I planned to hate-watch). January is here, and I have more shows to preview for my lovely audience.

Who is probably just pissed that I don't watch Homeland.

So what's happening in January?

Smash is Back! 

They made it all new! They took away the horrible people and scarves! It's different, we swear! Jennifer Hudson!

The new producers are yelling from the rooftops how much the show has changed and how much better they made it, and I really, really hope that is true. I wanted to like this show so much. There were moments of brilliance in the pilot, and then it got kind of terrible, and then the finale of last season was pretty good. I can't make up my mind about McPhee, I hate her one minute and love her the next - is that a flaw of the actress or the writing? Both, I think, and two in a long list of flaws from which the show suffered.  Despite the fact I love Debra Messing, Anjelica Huston, The guy from Coupling, and Megan Hilty, who is both hot and awesome, the show's terribleness was enough to overcome all of that good.

That's a lot of terrible to fix. I genuinely hope they can do it.

There has never been a woman with a gay best friend who has been allowed to dress like this. 

Community is Back! 

I think I'm just at the point where I'm looking at any new episodes of this show I get as a gift.

Stupid NBC.

Guys With Kids is still on?  Seriously?

Hey, speaking of stupid....

Deception is not a horrible show. The lead is watchable, Victor Garber can make anyone cry, and there seem to be enough mysteries and soapy complications to keep it going for at least a season (although past that certainly seems suspect).

It does not matter. I don't know how to explain this, but I am certain this show will be cancelled in two months. Maybe even two weeks. It's just not going to work.

Sorry, Deception. Should have gone with ABC.

Oops. 

And on an even sadder note....

Do you know the last time I felt this sorry for Bill Pullman?

Yep. That's the 1996 gem Mr. Wrong, which remains to this day one of the most uncomfortable movies I've ever seen.

Also, it is horrible.

But not nearly as horrible as 1600 Penn.

This show is beyond horrible. This show is heinous. Revolting. This show should be categorized as a war crime it is so fucking HORRIBLE.

I hate you. 

I was genuinely offended by this show. Josh Gad is insufferable, Jenna Elfman is (as usual) trying to make it all about her and too stupid to realize that's bad, the dialogue is stilted and completely unfunny, and everyone involved is trying so hard to convince you that you wouldn't rather be watching dogs poop than this shitshow they can't even be bothered to make Pullman a more believable president than he was in Independence Day - and I'm including the aliens.

It makes me even more incensed that NBC is spending money on this drivel when they have cancelled great shows like last year's Best Friends Forever, they've jacked around brilliance like Community, and now seem determined to kill other good shows like Up All Night, which is on hiatus undergoing a multi-cam makeover, a fact that makes me want to spit nails. Not to mention whatever the hell happened with 30 Rock.

Hey, NBC?

Screw you.

Even the monkey in the lab coat is embarrassed.

So, is there anything good? 

Yep. Justified is back January 8 on FX, which should make anyone who likes good TV (or seriously hot dudes who wear cowboy hats) happy. The boys of USA Network will also be joining us as White Collar, Suits, and Psych return to fill our lives with charming smiles and bromance. (Jan 22, Jan 17, Feb 27)

Downton Abbey brings season 3 stateside on January 6 on PBS. You can expect much scandal and tragedy from the period piece favorite. The show has already completed its run in England, so let me just say this - there are some serious shocks coming your way!

Turns out he's James Bond, it's crazy. 

Cougar Town is back on January 8, picked up from cancellation by TBS (which of course, you already know if you have been on that station or its affiliates in the last three months, read a magazine, or have eyes). I love this show, for reasons that are enumerated here. Mostly that it's funny and awesome.

I'm really, really looking forward to FX's new show The Americans, starring Keri Russell (Felicity) and Matthew Rhys (Brothers and Sisters) as soviet spies in 1980's American suburbia. It's got good producer cred, including Graham Yost from Justified, and I really like both of the leads, so I have high hopes for this one. (Jan 30)

There might be another little spy thing I'm excited about as well....

There's a little more weird too, in Zero Hour, coming to ABC and starring Anthony Edwards. It pretty much just seems to be The Da Vinci Code, but without the weird hair or sexual tension with the girl, since they are also looking for his wife. I'm not expecting to get involved.

The CW has made a prequel to Sex and the City called The Carrie Diaries. I realize this is sacrilege among my gender, but I didn't love Carrie and Co., so I'll be giving it a pass. I've got enough CW guilty pleasure on my DVR for one supposedly grown woman.

Not even guilty about this one. 

Alan Ball left True Blood to write a show for Cinemax called Banshee, about a criminal who ends up sheriff of a weird, and I'm assuming supernatural, town. (Jan 11)

Except it is on Cinemax.

Which just automatically means I'm going to think it's porn.

But like, bad porn. Not True Blood.

Otherwise, stay tuned for your returning shows on all the big networks, (30 Rock finale is January 30!) Showtime has House of Lies, Shameless, and Californication on Jan 13, HBO's Girls and Enlightened drop the same day, and Dallas returns to TNT on Jan 28 for J.R.'s last stand.

RIP, you old bastard.

I bet hell has really good whiskey.