The TV Freak Freaks Out

Oh, my dearest darling Freaks, I'm having a hard time.

There's just too much to snark about!

Too much to say!

Too much to love!

And seriously, way too much to hate.

Suck It, Emmy

Jon Cryer?

Go to hell.

Also, Amy Poehler is has more class in her little finger than you have in your whole stupid, awful, evil collective mind.

And clearly, much better cleavage. 

I'm OK with Homeland, I don't think it was better than Mad Men or Breaking Bad, but it certainly wasn't worse, and I could understand the win. (Claire Danes especially deserved it, she's fabulous.)

But Emmy just doesn't get comedy.

The nominees should have been Parks and Recreation, Modern Family, Community, New Girl, Suburgatory, and Happy Endings. Those are the smartest, funniest, freshest, best-est shows on TV.

Parks and Recreation should have won.

By a landslide.

A huge Amy Poehler shaped landslide.

So, what else should I watch if I want to have a stupidity anureism? 

The Neighbors.

Animal Practice.

Guys With Kids.

God, even the baby is bored. 

Do not watch these shows if you have enough skill to write a complete sentence or have the ability to comprehend a joke.

Because chances are you heard all of the ones they used in a rerun of an 80's sitcom on TV Land.

What about if I want to watch something good that probably won't last very long? 

Ben and Kate premieres on Tuesday (8:30/7:30, FOX), sandwiched between two new New Girls (now I feel like Dr. Seuss), Matthew Perry is a consummate sitcom star on Go On (Wednesday, 9/8, NBC), and Shawn Ryan (The Shield, The Unit) creates another powerhouse man-drama with Last Resort, which premieres on Thursday (8/7, ABC).

Can't you just feel all the testosterone, punching you in your lady parts? 

Anything else? 

Castle is back! Bones isn't as bad as it was last year! Don't judge The Mindy Project too harshly!

Watch the last season of The Office. Last week was good, and Greg Daniels is back to run the last year the way he wants to, so it can only get better. Plus, Stephen Colbert is going to guest as Andy's college "frenemy" and a capella group member 'Broccoli Rob', and I'm pretty sure that's the best sentence ever.

I seriously haven't stopped laughing about 'Broccoli Rob' in like an hour. 

If you have kids, you should be watching Grimm (NBC, Friday, 9/8) and Once Upon A Time (ABC, Sunday, 8/7). (I mean, I'm watching both of them anyway, but kids would really dig these shows.)

The rest of it will have to wait for October.

Oh, wait.

That's next week.

Shiny New Things: Fall TV Preview 2012

Don't worry, Freaks, it's not all going to be bad, I promise.

Somewhere in the crop of new shows premiering this fall TV season is your favorite new show!

(If there's any chance it stars Reba McEntire, just leave.)

It's probably going to be one of these:

Nashville (Wednesday, 10/9c, premieres Oct 10, ABC)

I'm not the only one expecting this to be the breakout hit of the season, but believe me, my fellow bloggers and I have good reason. It stars the awesome Connie Britton and the plucky Hayden Panettiere as rival country music divas, and the delicious soapy drama is going to be given some serious weight by creator Callie Khouri, who won an Oscar for writing Thelma and Louise. So she might know what she's doing. The show is going to feature songs written by Nashville professionals and groups like The Civil Wars, and sung by the stars of the show. It all feels like magic in the making (you're right, I promise never to use that phrase again). Plus, it's on a good network and has a non-competitive time slot. It's early, but I'm calling the win.

A win for sequins! 

Vegas (Tuesday, 10/9c, premieres Sept 25, CBS) 

Set in the 60's, Dennis Quaid plays Ralph Lamb, the first sheriff of Las Vegas, doing his best to keep his town from being run by Chicago mobster Vincent Savino, played by Michael Chiklis - in a script by Nicholas Pileggi, who wrote freaking Goodfellas and Casino. Anything about that sentence make you not want to watch this show?

Yeah, pretty sure that goes for everybody else too.

Surprisingly enough, this one seems to be the win for hats. 

The Mob Doctor (Monday, 9/8c, premieres Sept 17, FOX)

I really love Jordanna Spiro. The cancellation of My Boys still makes me sad. (The fact that her character PJ ended up with Bobby makes me sadder.) I think the premise of the show is interesing, and if pulled off well, could be very compelling. Creators Josh Berman and Rob Wright are long-time procedural vets (CSI, Bones, Charmed) so I'm betting they know what they're doing. Well, at least for the first few seasons.

At which point, judging from this picture, she will turn out to be the godfather of said mob.  Or Satan.

Arrow (Wednesday, 8/7c, premieres Oct 10, CW)


CW figured out the superhero-on-TV problem: they lost the costume. As I've explained before, superheroes don't work on TV...most of the time. But following in the footsteps of the extremely successful Smallville, Arrow put a hot guy in a hoodie and had him fight bad guys, and the results are extremely entertaining. I expect the show to do well (for the CW, which isn't much) and with several executive producers and writers who used to actually write comic books, I think this one will satisfy the nerds as well.

Myself included.

Pictured: Abs-olute Satisfaction

The Mindy Project (Tuesday, 9:30/8:30c, premieres Sept 25, FOX) 

Despite the not-great title and not-great pilot, I'm putting this show on the great list. Why?

Because I want Mindy Kaling to be my BFF. (Hi, Mindy! Love you, love your shoes, call me!)

And also because I think it has real potential. The character feels genuine, and her desperate attempts to put away her party girl past and to live out her rom-com fantasies make her feel very familiar. (Not to me, obviously, I'm nothing like that.) We know from 30 Rock and New Girl that the audience is on board with a "quirky" female lead, and I think both of those shows needed a few minutes to find their footing too. Nobody's perfect to start with. Oh, hey, I guess that's kinda the point!

So....everyone?

Elementary  (Thursday, 10/9c, premieres Sept 27, CBS) 

For Sherlock Holmes purists and devotees of the BBC's brilliant Sherlock, it might be better to pretend that Jonny Lee Miller (Trainspotting, used to be married to Angelina Jolie) is just playing another brilliant-but-mean government agency consultant with addiction issues and an anti-social personality disorder. You know, "House helps the NYPD" or whatever. That's basically what this is, and scoff all you want to, but it's a CBS procedural, and if there's one thing CBS knows how to do, that's it. Add it to your roster if you need another procedural on your roster.

I don't.

Watson got....um, boob-ier. 

Revolution (Monday, 10/9c, premieres Sept 17, NBC) 

OK, honestly, I'm not convinced that this show is going to work, but I had to give NBC one. I've seen the pilot, and there's a lot I really like about it. Elizabeth Mitchell is there. I love her. The premise is cool, and fascinating to me. If they are, as the creators proclaim, interested in creating an interesting show and not just a box of mystery, then maybe they can be better than previous "epic" endeavors like The Event, Flash Forward, etc., etc. It seems to be a pretty well put together show, and if it doesn't descend into a LOST-esque "season of walking" or lose the thread in a quagmire of mystery, it should be OK.

For NBC's sake, I hope so.

Oh, JJ. Why can't I quit you? 

Ben and Kate (Tuesday, 8:30/7:30c, premieres Sept 25, FOX)

I originally had this show on my losers list, because the promos were terrible, I hated the premise, and I just thought it was going to get lost in the shuffle of all of the new comedies. While that last one might be true, I've seen the pilot and I completely take back the other two. Leads Nat Faxon and Dakota Johnson (daughter of Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith) are charming, funny, and have a genuine brother/sister rapport, something that is surprisingly hard to find on TV. Give this one a try, I think you'll be pleased. Besides, what the hell else are you watching, NCIS?

Yes, said everyone in the country. 

Oh, I see. Well, that's what DVR is for.

Partners (Monday, 8:30/7:30c, premieres Sept 24, CBS) 

This is the new sitcom from Will and Grace creators Max Mutchnick and David Kohan, starring David Krumholtz and Michael Urie. And Brandon Routh. It comes on right after How I Met Your Mother. This can not be bad, right?

Oh, crap.

Think it's over? Of course not, my darling Freaks! Stay tuned for even more Fall TV goodness!

Fall TV Preview 2012 :Shows That Make Me Go Meh

Do you know what September does to a TV addict such as myself?

I've been in full-on panic mode for a week, fellow Freaks. How will I fit it all in? Why doesn't my DVR record four shows in HD? Oh, dammit, the Emmy's are this month too, I have to make sure I do enough yelling about that...

What do you mean "Thursday Night Football"? 

Couldn't it have been Tuesday Mid-to-Late Afternoon Football? There's nothing on then...

Deep breaths. 

I can do this. 

You know how I can do this, Freaks? 

Snap decisions. Hasty Judgments. No sympathy. 

It's time for the TV Freak to break out the tough love. 

Don't give a shit. 

So, here's the new fall shows that don't matter: 

The New NBC Comedies

Oh, NBC. Is anybody surprised I'm starting with you? Of course not. You have four new comedies on your fall schedule, and I'd be willing to lay money that only one of them will make it through the year. I'd like to say it would be Matthew Perry's new show Go On, because I love me some Matthew Perry, but with an unsustainable premise and a time slot war with New Girl and Happy Endings, I won't. That shit is super cancelled. 

Sorry, Matt. Looks like it's failed solo sitcom #2 for you. 

I'm pretty sure that mug is from the set of Mr. Sunshine

Animal Practice is just as stupid and annoying as you'd think a show about an animal hospital would be (We get it, you're weird!), and Guys With Kids, as much as I enjoy the idea of Tempest Bledsoe playing a mom, isn't great. It will fail with the poor lead-in and better competition. Sorry (Exec producer) Jimmy Fallon. Try to be less sitcom-y next time. I know you will laugh at anything, but the rest of us won't. 

This picture causes Jimmy Fallon to pee his pants. 

The New Normal is a crap-shoot, and not entirely due to scheduling or unfortunate placement on the last-place network (although those things are not going to help). Honestly, it's not a great show yet. I've only seen the pilot at this point, and while it offered a few laughs, it feels very forced. Even the title is trying too hard. The kid is better than the mom, The Hangover gay dad is better then the Book of Mormon one, Ellen Barkin's character is too over the top to make her point, and Ne Ne Leakes (I can't believe I'm saying this) is better than all of them. Ryan Murphy (creator of Glee, American Horror Story) recently said the show was basically "Kurt and Blaine all grown up decide to have a kid" which is exactly what it is. 

Seriously? Is this based on a fanfic? 

I like Kurt and Blaine better. 

Look, if it gets better, maybe it sticks around. But I wouldn't hold my breath if I were NBC. 

Of course, what the hell else are they going to air? 

I won't care if it is Chicago Fire. Though the show is produced by Dick Wolf (all of the Law and Order) and full of eye candy for the ladies, the ladies will all be watching the sure-to-be-a-hit Nashville (stay tuned for the good shows in the next Fall TV Preview!). 

Also, it's not very good. 

You may not care. 

I'm not saying it's getting cancelled, (again, what is NBC going to air?) but unless you have a super crush on Jesse Spencer (House) or Taylor Kinney (The Vampire Diaries) don't bother. 

Oh, so all of the sitcoms are terrible....

Yeah, ABC, you're not winning anything over here either. The Neighbors, about a family who moves into a suburban community filled with aliens, is too weird for the regular TV audience (and sadly I think will damage underdog The Middle) and Malibu County is a sitcom starring Reba McEntire. I think it will probably do well on Friday nights with Tim Allen's show Last Man Standing, but I will not be watching. 

Because I am not a grandma. 

You can tell because I know they stole this set from Hannah Montana.

That is also why I will not be adding the new CBS Friday night procedural Made in Jersey to my lineup, although I hear decent things about the show and particularly the star. However, despite my vigorous youth,  I also don't expect to get wrapped up in the CW's Beauty and the Beast, starring Kristen Kreuk. Despite the network's highest rated lead in (The Vampire Diaries), CW fans, me included, have shown that they won't get on board with crappy or boring shows (see last year's occupier of this spot, The Secret Circle) and from what I've seen, that's exactly what you're in for with this one. Sadly, I like its chances better than the network's far superior Emily Owens, MD, just due to scheduling, (Miss Emily got railroaded in the same Tuesday night spot as Go On) but I don't expect either to live long on my DVR. 

ABC branches out, which is clearly a good idea 

So in addition to alien neighbors, ABC is also offering viewers a haunted apartment building with 666 Park Ave and a submarine crew gone rogue with Last Resort. While I like Dave Annabel and Terry O'Quinn, I think 666 is going to be too scary for normal viewers and not scary enough for horror viewers, and therefore  will have a hard time garnering an audience. And Last Resort just doesn't have a shot, despite powerhouse lead Andre Braugher. It's in an impossible time slot up against The Big Bang Theory, it's too serious for the 8/7 hour, it's on female-centric ABC, etc., etc. Look, producer Scott Ryan (The Shield, Chicago Code, The Unit) makes good TV, so I honestly hope I'm wrong about this one. 

And not just because I'd be delighted for Scott Speedman to be more than just "That guy from Felicity". 

Aw, no you won't, Big Ears. 

So what will you actually want to tune in for? Stay here all week for more Fall TV Preview!