So That Happened...

I've been a terrible blogger.

This makes me sad. 

In my fantasy life, where everything is perfect, I write at least three hysterical posts and a list every week, and have time to watch everything on television. (In addition to having a successful career and being the kind of person who not only remembers your birthday, but delivers a handmade card and thoughtful gift with a dozen of the prettiest cupcakes you've ever seen after having gone to yoga and saving puppies or something. In heels.) 

Real life is not quite that organized. 

So, sadly, I am a terrible blogger. For this, please accept my deepest apologies. 

I intended to do a Best and Worst of 2012 thing today, but then I realized a few things: 

1. I basically did my "Worst" list in my last post. 

2. I don't really watch the "Best" shows on TV, especially dramas. (Sorry, Homeland. I'm working on it.) 

3. Other people are doing much better versions of that than I can. 

So instead, let's do: 

The Top Five Shows I Love (Are All Comedies) 

Parks and Recreation 

Parks and Rec is the best. Amy Poehler is the best. No, really, like the actual best human being on the planet. I checked. 

I think it just keeps getting better, too. The "Leslie for City Council" arc last season was hysterical, the various romances this fall have been endearing (and on occasion tear-jerking), and it manages to stay surprising while still having characters grow and change. Well done, Ms. Amy.

I love you! But not in a creepy way!  (OK, maybe a little bit creepy!  But nice! Still nice!) 

The Big Bang Theory

Big Bang is not typically the kind of sitcom I (or most TV critics) like, because it follows a more traditional format (multicam, studio audience, setup punchline, etc.) and therefore seems like it would feel static or stupid like its static, stupid ilk (Two and a Half Men, Two Broke Girls, Last Man Standing, Whitney - did you know Whitney is still on?).

It doesn't. 

Or maybe it does, but because the writing is funny and the cast is excellent, I just don't care. It is a pleasure to watch every week. I think the addition of Mayim Bialik and Melissa Rauch (who does not get enough credit at all for her brilliance as Bernadette) really brought the show to a new level; impressive several years into a show's run. The cast seems energized, the writers are having fun, and I always look forward to watching. 

New Girl

Once Zooey toned down the twee and the writers found a dynamic for the group as a whole (congrats on the personalities, Cici and Winston!) New Girl became one of the funniest shows on TV. It's fresh, it's quirky (but without being too much), and it manages to be sweet as well. 

Plus, OMG, how much do you love Nick and Jess? OTP fo-eva! (Is that how you do that? Am I supposed to add a hashtag?)

Fire! Boss! Epic! YOLO! 

Modern Family

In some interesting way, Modern Family feels like the elder statesman of this group, even though it hasn't been on all that long. I think it's because it is just a perfectly executed show. Think about it. The writing is pretty much flawless, as is the acting, and it is consistently funny. You just can't argue with that. 

Suburgatory

You don't watch this show. That's a shame, because it is really funny. OK,  it's kinda weird,  but so is everything else we watch. It's also snarky and clever and sweet, and all of the young actresses (particularly the brilliant Carly Chaikin as Dalia) are just really, really good. You should watch it.

The Top Five Shows I Love (That Probably Aren't Very Good) 

Arrow

Sometimes you just need to watch a show about a hot guy who got stranded on a desert island and became an almost-superhero vigilante to atone for the sins his father revealed at his death (which was probably orchestrated by his mother and some secret organization led by Totally Not! Captain Jack Harkness) and the cute girl he and his best friend love and the cool former soldier who also is a vigilante sometimes.

Right?

Look, I get that this is probably all sacrilege to comic book fans of The Green Arrow, but for this kind of show on the CW, they've actually done a pretty good job. It's interesting and fun and enjoyable. Plus, hot guy training montages!

Go On

I'm going to repeat myself here: I'm not saying this is the best show ever, it's not. But it is pretty funny, and the other characters are starting to find some footing, (again, Julie White is awesome as Judy), but mostly, mostly....

I love Matthew Perry. 

And he's in this show. 

So I love it.

And I love this. More of this, please. 

Hawaii Five-0

OK, look. I'm kinda embarrassed to write this one. This show is a very silly procedural. It is exactly the same quality as the worst of the CSI's, it's just as cheesy as the lame NCIS, and as silly as the worst of USA's pantheon of procedurals. 

Well, almost. 

It's just the tiniest of advantages, but it's why I chose to watch it over so many of the other procedural options: Alex O'Laughlin and Scott Caan have great chemistry, and are just very watchable. It doesn't take much for a procedural. Speaking of which, 

Castle

I'm acknowledging that Castle is also not a brilliantly written or executed show. It's not heavy or deep or full of crazy plot twists. But they managed to successfully navigate getting their will-they-won't-they couple together without falling apart, an impressive feat, and it remains cast with people I want to hang out with.

That's all. I just like watching it because I want to go to double date with Castle and Beckett or grab a beer with Ryan and Esposito. That's all the justification you get.

See, we could have them over for brunch! And I could help her burn that shirt. 

Once Upon A Time

Is this show good? I honestly have no idea. I know I really like it. It's a solid, fun, sweet show. The writing isn't terrible. The acting is pretty good. It's not setting the world on fire, but I genuinely enjoy watching it every week.

Sometimes "TV people" don't seem to know that's enough.

The Top Five Disappointments of 2012

Smash

Hey, remember how much potential Smash had?

That didn't go well, huh?

I found it extra annoying because it had moments where you could see the potential, where I thought, "Oh, hey! I want to watch that show!" Mostly when Megan Hilty was on.

And then Katharine McPhee would open her stupid mouth or they'd start singing in a bowling alley and I'd think, "Ugh, nevermind."

Supposedly, they are fixing it for a relaunch in January. They got rid of the exec producer and some annoying cast (though sadly not McPhee), and are promising no more Bollywood numbers. I'll be delighted if it gets better, but I'm not holding my breath.


Nashville

Dammit, Nashville. I'm REALLY pissed that this show isn't better. Honestly upset. I'm sticking with it for a while, because it is not terrible, but I really wanted it to be great.

It should be. The flatness doesn't make sense. Connie Britton should be exploding in this role. Write. It. Better. Hayden Panettiere is -I can't believe I'm saying this- great, stop making her spit the same lines over and over. And for the love of God, please, please, please get rid of the horrible pouty blonde girl.

I hate her. I hate her with the fire of a thousand suns. I hate her more than I hate the cast of Jersey Shore, more than I hate the two broke girls, more than I hate Joffrey fucking Baratheon. If you don't hate her, I hate you. She's wrong. And awful. And STOP FUCKING POUTING!

This picture is literally named Nashville-stupid-bitch.jpg

So... it has some flaws, is what I'm saying. But it could be spectacular. All of the pieces are there, it just has to use them.

Partners

There's a lesson to be learned from Partners. You'd think the creators would have leaned this somewhere around 2003, but apparently they did not.

You can't make the crazy character(s) the center of the show. It's too much. People think they want more Jack, or Kramer, or Steve Urkel, but in reality, too much of this person is too much.

So if you try to make him the central character, you just make us hate him from the beginning. And Michael Urie? Take it down a notch.

That was the face he made the whole time. 

Revolution

The holes are too big, the acting is too forced, the girl too bland.

I can't deal.

Dammit, JJ. Do better!

Yeah, because this asshole managed to take over like half the country. Totally buying that. 

How I Met Your Mother

It's time to call it a day, friends. I will be sorry to see you go, but I will be more sorry if you make us watch another terrible year. The writing has become inconsistent, caricatureish, and frankly, lazy. I have no idea what's happened to Robin, Ted has apparently learned less than any of us watching about himself in eight years, and even Marshall and Lily seem to be merely a collection of previously established characters traits (Marshall is from Minnesota! Lily has the hots for Robin!).

I miss the Robin who was not a basketcase or a bitch, I miss the Ted who gave a hopeful speech about believing in love outside a girl's window, not the seemingly insane and desperately annoying pompous ass that's been wearing his shirts. I appreciate the growth that Barney has shown, but as amazing as NPH is, he's not the only character.

Find the end of your story, and use it to get back the characters we love and find the heart that's missing.

Before it's too late.

The Top Five Biggest Surprises of 2012

Scandal

Scandal is awesome. It's fast and snappy and sexy and has excellent writing and I'm totally obsessed with it.

I'm assuming that will be true for another year before Shonda and crew ruin it with insane bullshit.

Right?

She was trying to perform surgery on a deer? I don't know what we're going to do with that...

Newsroom

Being a Sorkin fangirl, I had really high hopes for Newsroom, but something in me (Studio 60) kept convincing me that it was going to be terrible, or preachy, or too liberal for even my bleeding heart.

It's not.

I mean, do not get me wrong, this show is definitely, aggressively  Sorkin, but it's brilliant too. People talk fast, and mention musicals in daily conversation, and believe in love and hope and change and the liberal elite...

Isn't that awesome?

Sons Of Anarchy

This show has always been good, but this year it has taken the world by storm. In its fifth year, it's enjoyed unprecedented success, topping even network shows in the ratings. It's been complicated, heartwrenching  mesmerizing. Kurt Sutter has done justice to the complicated characters and storyline he created, surprising us at every turn with edgy choices, dark humor, and seemingly impossible twists.

I can't wait to see where it goes from here.

R.I.P., Horatio. 

Burn Notice

I was totally over this show. I stopped watching regularly around the end of season four, and mostly missed season five - until I caught the last few episodes on one of those USA marathon days. So I tried again this season, and was really pleasantly surprised at what I found  The show seems to be wrapping up, giving it some focus and direction. It's not just case of the week, but actually dealing with deeper issues, with the death of Michael's brother and the ramifications of his choices in the aftermath. If you enjoyed this show in the past but have given up on it, it's worth another look.

Revenge 

Um, hey, Revenge?

WTF?

Why is there an "Initiative"? Is this a JJ Abrams show?

Who is this guy with the giant face? You couldn't convince me I gave a crap about Jack, now you're trying to add another dude? Really? And the whole "Mysterious Asian Guy" thing is just really stupid. Can we all agree on that?

And can we all also agree that Jennifer Jason Leigh has botoxed all expression out of her face and is terrible? Like, really, really terrible? That whole subplot was poorly done. Save the "Your Mom isn't dead!" thing for way into the fourth season when we could care. I do not care about this bitch. It would be fine if she went back to being dead.

Here is what  I care about:

Emily wants revenge on people with faces. Daniel smiles pretty because he loves Emily. Nolan is awesome. (The stuff this fall with him has been the most interesting part.)

Victoria is a badass, and she should be fighting on all fronts, all the time. She should be fighting Emily and nasty socialites and Conrad and other people that are actual people and not shadowy organizations and whatever - let us be impressed with the nasty poise she exhibits under pressure, and root for her despite the fact that we hate her.

And for the love of god, we don't' care about Declan!

Please kill half of these people. 

So that's what I think about 2012, Freaks. What do you think? Anything I missed? Got wrong? Should shut up about? Head to the comments!

I hope 2013 brings more of the awesome and less of the awful, and me being a better blogger.

Happy Holidays! 

Killing Them Softly

Due to the unfortunate death of a television, I'd gotten way behind on my watching schedule. This is particularly difficult right at the beginning of the new season when I'm trying to watch all of the news shows at least a couple of times, so I feel like I can give you, my dear readers, an honest and researched opinion.

My opinion is that the new stuff sucks.

OK, well maybe not entirely, but it's not doing what it is supposed to, either.

Let me paint you a picture, dear Freaks. I was plowing through an overloaded DVR, camped out on the couch for hours and debating even pausing when I went to grab the laundry, wondering if I'd ever be finished, when something amazing happened. Something important.

I burst into tears.

I'd watched so much TV, I was barely even paying attention anymore. And then, the Halloween episode of Parks and Recreation happened. Those of you who have seen it will know exactly when I stated crying, but I'll tell you, it was more than just the sweetness of that moment.

I was genuinely happy for Leslie Knope.

That's why I love TV. Because for five years, I've been watching Leslie Knope's life. I care about what happens to her. For me, it's much more personal than movies because I've invested so much time in these people. I care if they find love, or get promoted, or survive time travel, or avenge the death of their father/sister/boyfriend.

It was also a perfectly written moment of television.

There haven't been a lot of those this year.

And that's also why it was the moment where I thought...

Time to clean out the DVR. I'm done wasting my time with TV that doesn't make me feel anything.

So who get killed?

Revolution

I could go on and on and on and on and on about how stupid and unbelievable this show is (brand new clothes and shoes? and the tattoo/brand thing- who does that? and why was she not dying when she was dying? and...) but it basically boils down to this: that girl is boring.

I don't care if she dies. I don't care if Swashbuckler McBrotherIssues dies either. And that's kind of a problem. I'm supposed to care. It's kind of the one thing I'm supposed to care about. But it's poorly written and boringly acted and not very smart and obviously the number one new show.

Really, people? Ugh.

Damn. I totally forgot to get a tattoo that could be easily turned into a brand in a post-apocalyptic future with no power. And a talented Blacksmith to build me a bunch of them. They shouldn't be hard to find, right? 

The Mindy Project

I hate to give up on this one, but I need to. I love her. I love the idea of this show. I like the supporting cast for the most part. There are moments where I get what she's trying to do.

But she's not doing it.

All she's doing is not being very funny.

I fully approve of Mindy trying to create a female character that we're not sure we like all the time, the lady version of Michael Scott. I actually really approve the effort, in a feminist kinda way. And I wish so much that I liked this show. I'll give it another shot before the first season is over, to see if it has found its footing, but for right now....

Sorry, Mindy. It's not me, it's you.

OK, Little Wayne House on the Prairie was pretty brilliant. 

Chicago Fire

This is a terrible show.

Arrow is much better eye candy.

I can not stop laughing at this picture. 

Vegas

Am I the only one who found this show really boring? I just could not get into it. I mean, it's not terrible, it's just not very good. I think my brilliant Dad was right when he said Quaid and Chiklis should have switched parts. They both seem like they're trying too hard. So is the script.

Moving on.

I will miss the great CGI work. 

The Mob Doctor

I'm honestly surprised this show even made it back after FOX benched it for the World Series, but they seem to be burning off the rest of the already produced episodes. Don't get attached if you're watching; though it hasn't been officially cancelled, it will be soon.

Which is fine by me, I wanted better for Jordanna Spiro. But this is a terribly written show. God, even on Bones they wouldn't have a doctor check a text in the middle of surgery.

Partners

Hey, Michael Urie.....please, please, please stop trying so hard.

He will not stop making this face. 

The New Normal

Hey, Ryan Murphy....you too.

666 Park Ave. 

This show is.....

I honestly have no idea. It's not terrible, but it's not very good, either. I like the cast, it's a bit of mindless fluff, the kind of show that I might keep on in the background when I was doing laundry, or watch on my lunch break at work.

But ABC is totally gonna cancel it, so it doesn't matter.

Oh my god, did you know this was a book?

So what new stuff gets permanent rotation among the established favorites?

Elementary

CBS just knows how to do procedurals. This show is not setting the world on fire, but it is a well done procedural with an enjoyable cast. Jonny Lee Miller and Lucy Liu have great chemistry and I appreciate that I don't always know who did it before the first commercial break. It gets to stay put for lazy weekend viewing when I just want something easy to watch.

Go On 

This show is not perfect. But it has a great heart and some really funny moments. It's becoming more well-rounded and using John Cho more, which makes me happy. Plus, I really, really love Matthew Perry. Like, a lot.

Hey, hottie. Your show makes me cry sometimes. Is it silly if I want your dead wife to be on more often?

Arrow

I also love how many shirtless training montages this show has. Whatever. It's not great, but I really don't need it to be. It's pretty and fun. Surprisingly, I also don't hate the CW's other new schlock fest Beauty and the Guy With the Scar on His Face. So if you're looking for a new guilty pleasure....

Hey there, abs. 

Ben and Kate

I don't know that this show is going to last, but I really enjoy it, and think it's a great fit with the other shows on the FOX comedy block. And let me tell you- Lucy Punch, who plays Kate's BFF, is fantastic. Brilliant. Like Jennifer Saunders level awesome. She alone is worth the watch.

If you are really my friend there might be a little movie you'd know her from....

So what about  you, my darling Freaks? Any new stuff that's rocking your world? Burning questions for the TV Freak? Head to the comments!

So, Fall TV....How's that Going?

Well....

Not great.

I'll tell you, Freaks, it's hard to be a blogger when everything is just so.... blah.

I've watched fifteen new shows in the last two weeks, and everything is just kinda fine.

I mean, it's not terrible.

Even the shows that are terrible aren't terrible.

Animal Practice is bad, but it's not How To Be a Gentleman bad.

666 Park Ave is silly, campy crap, but it's not Charlie's Angels crap. (Oh, hey! Totally just realized that was the same girl!)

I want to punch her in the face less this year. 

The second episode of Guys With Kids managed to be kinda funny in places, even if it still feels like a throwback to older sitcoms. Honestly, I think it's on the wrong network. Give it to CBS, put it where the also-not-good-enough Partners is shoved into the Monday night comedy block, and give the Will and Grace creators a chance to give that show some claws on the younger, more interesting network.

And while I'm bitching about scheduling errors, ABC should have put the very good Last Resort on Tuesdays where the dying Private Practice got fairly weak competition from the unwatched Parenthood and new show Vegas. There it might have stood a fighting chance of being watched. Last Resort isn't perfect, it's not blowing my mind or anything, but it is better than most of the other new stuff, and if given the time to blossom, could turn into a truly spectacular show.

If ABC can get it together.

Maybe they're just waiting for the devil to get cancelled.

This one. I mean this one. 

I haven't been blown away by any of the new sitcoms, either, although I do like several of them. I'm hoping that Mindy is going to find her footing (obviously the network is too, as they just picked up a back nine order), and while I've genuinely enjoyed Go On so far, I'm hoping for more from it as well. I mean, it's John Cho and Matthew Perry. You think about how awesome that should be and tell me you're not a little disappointed  Also, more Julie White, please! She's awesome.

You can keep Ellen Barkin and the rest of The New Normal, however. Despite how adorable I find Justin Bartha and Andrew Rannells, the show is badly written and full of hateful cliches - for everyone involved.

Hey, Ryan Murphy? We agree with you. Stop yelling at us.

Ok, well we didn't agree with this. 

I'm also not loving NBC's big hit Revolution (I think the girl is lacking), or the terrible writing over on FOX's The Mob Doctor, and even the Jonny Miller Led Elementary is feeling a little....

What's the word I'm looking for?

Oh, right.

Blah.

I'm hoping that the remaining new shows set to premiere this week and next are going to take care of my premiere melancholy.

So what should you watch this week?

Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog has its television premiere tonight on the CW (9/8), and if you haven't seen this Joss Whedon gem online, then please, please, please watch it. It is beyond awesome. Hopefully the network will score a hit with it, as well as new shows Arrow (Wednesday, 8/7) and Beauty and the Beast (Thursday, 9/8). Hint: watch him, skip her.

Hey, CW? Are you confused about the word "Beast"? 

The much anticipated Nashville drops on Wednesday (ABC, 10/9) and is sure to kill the competition, new NBC drama Chicago Fire, the latest Dick Wolf creation. I'll be watching both so you don't have to, but my early predictions are that Nashville won't be quite the awesome everyone expects and I'll be reporting a Fire-y cancellation in a month or two.

Oh, and The League is back on Thursday.

Shiva with delight.

The TV Freak Freaks Out

Oh, my dearest darling Freaks, I'm having a hard time.

There's just too much to snark about!

Too much to say!

Too much to love!

And seriously, way too much to hate.

Suck It, Emmy

Jon Cryer?

Go to hell.

Also, Amy Poehler is has more class in her little finger than you have in your whole stupid, awful, evil collective mind.

And clearly, much better cleavage. 

I'm OK with Homeland, I don't think it was better than Mad Men or Breaking Bad, but it certainly wasn't worse, and I could understand the win. (Claire Danes especially deserved it, she's fabulous.)

But Emmy just doesn't get comedy.

The nominees should have been Parks and Recreation, Modern Family, Community, New Girl, Suburgatory, and Happy Endings. Those are the smartest, funniest, freshest, best-est shows on TV.

Parks and Recreation should have won.

By a landslide.

A huge Amy Poehler shaped landslide.

So, what else should I watch if I want to have a stupidity anureism? 

The Neighbors.

Animal Practice.

Guys With Kids.

God, even the baby is bored. 

Do not watch these shows if you have enough skill to write a complete sentence or have the ability to comprehend a joke.

Because chances are you heard all of the ones they used in a rerun of an 80's sitcom on TV Land.

What about if I want to watch something good that probably won't last very long? 

Ben and Kate premieres on Tuesday (8:30/7:30, FOX), sandwiched between two new New Girls (now I feel like Dr. Seuss), Matthew Perry is a consummate sitcom star on Go On (Wednesday, 9/8, NBC), and Shawn Ryan (The Shield, The Unit) creates another powerhouse man-drama with Last Resort, which premieres on Thursday (8/7, ABC).

Can't you just feel all the testosterone, punching you in your lady parts? 

Anything else? 

Castle is back! Bones isn't as bad as it was last year! Don't judge The Mindy Project too harshly!

Watch the last season of The Office. Last week was good, and Greg Daniels is back to run the last year the way he wants to, so it can only get better. Plus, Stephen Colbert is going to guest as Andy's college "frenemy" and a capella group member 'Broccoli Rob', and I'm pretty sure that's the best sentence ever.

I seriously haven't stopped laughing about 'Broccoli Rob' in like an hour. 

If you have kids, you should be watching Grimm (NBC, Friday, 9/8) and Once Upon A Time (ABC, Sunday, 8/7). (I mean, I'm watching both of them anyway, but kids would really dig these shows.)

The rest of it will have to wait for October.

Oh, wait.

That's next week.

Shiny New Things: Fall TV Preview 2012

Don't worry, Freaks, it's not all going to be bad, I promise.

Somewhere in the crop of new shows premiering this fall TV season is your favorite new show!

(If there's any chance it stars Reba McEntire, just leave.)

It's probably going to be one of these:

Nashville (Wednesday, 10/9c, premieres Oct 10, ABC)

I'm not the only one expecting this to be the breakout hit of the season, but believe me, my fellow bloggers and I have good reason. It stars the awesome Connie Britton and the plucky Hayden Panettiere as rival country music divas, and the delicious soapy drama is going to be given some serious weight by creator Callie Khouri, who won an Oscar for writing Thelma and Louise. So she might know what she's doing. The show is going to feature songs written by Nashville professionals and groups like The Civil Wars, and sung by the stars of the show. It all feels like magic in the making (you're right, I promise never to use that phrase again). Plus, it's on a good network and has a non-competitive time slot. It's early, but I'm calling the win.

A win for sequins! 

Vegas (Tuesday, 10/9c, premieres Sept 25, CBS) 

Set in the 60's, Dennis Quaid plays Ralph Lamb, the first sheriff of Las Vegas, doing his best to keep his town from being run by Chicago mobster Vincent Savino, played by Michael Chiklis - in a script by Nicholas Pileggi, who wrote freaking Goodfellas and Casino. Anything about that sentence make you not want to watch this show?

Yeah, pretty sure that goes for everybody else too.

Surprisingly enough, this one seems to be the win for hats. 

The Mob Doctor (Monday, 9/8c, premieres Sept 17, FOX)

I really love Jordanna Spiro. The cancellation of My Boys still makes me sad. (The fact that her character PJ ended up with Bobby makes me sadder.) I think the premise of the show is interesing, and if pulled off well, could be very compelling. Creators Josh Berman and Rob Wright are long-time procedural vets (CSI, Bones, Charmed) so I'm betting they know what they're doing. Well, at least for the first few seasons.

At which point, judging from this picture, she will turn out to be the godfather of said mob.  Or Satan.

Arrow (Wednesday, 8/7c, premieres Oct 10, CW)


CW figured out the superhero-on-TV problem: they lost the costume. As I've explained before, superheroes don't work on TV...most of the time. But following in the footsteps of the extremely successful Smallville, Arrow put a hot guy in a hoodie and had him fight bad guys, and the results are extremely entertaining. I expect the show to do well (for the CW, which isn't much) and with several executive producers and writers who used to actually write comic books, I think this one will satisfy the nerds as well.

Myself included.

Pictured: Abs-olute Satisfaction

The Mindy Project (Tuesday, 9:30/8:30c, premieres Sept 25, FOX) 

Despite the not-great title and not-great pilot, I'm putting this show on the great list. Why?

Because I want Mindy Kaling to be my BFF. (Hi, Mindy! Love you, love your shoes, call me!)

And also because I think it has real potential. The character feels genuine, and her desperate attempts to put away her party girl past and to live out her rom-com fantasies make her feel very familiar. (Not to me, obviously, I'm nothing like that.) We know from 30 Rock and New Girl that the audience is on board with a "quirky" female lead, and I think both of those shows needed a few minutes to find their footing too. Nobody's perfect to start with. Oh, hey, I guess that's kinda the point!

So....everyone?

Elementary  (Thursday, 10/9c, premieres Sept 27, CBS) 

For Sherlock Holmes purists and devotees of the BBC's brilliant Sherlock, it might be better to pretend that Jonny Lee Miller (Trainspotting, used to be married to Angelina Jolie) is just playing another brilliant-but-mean government agency consultant with addiction issues and an anti-social personality disorder. You know, "House helps the NYPD" or whatever. That's basically what this is, and scoff all you want to, but it's a CBS procedural, and if there's one thing CBS knows how to do, that's it. Add it to your roster if you need another procedural on your roster.

I don't.

Watson got....um, boob-ier. 

Revolution (Monday, 10/9c, premieres Sept 17, NBC) 

OK, honestly, I'm not convinced that this show is going to work, but I had to give NBC one. I've seen the pilot, and there's a lot I really like about it. Elizabeth Mitchell is there. I love her. The premise is cool, and fascinating to me. If they are, as the creators proclaim, interested in creating an interesting show and not just a box of mystery, then maybe they can be better than previous "epic" endeavors like The Event, Flash Forward, etc., etc. It seems to be a pretty well put together show, and if it doesn't descend into a LOST-esque "season of walking" or lose the thread in a quagmire of mystery, it should be OK.

For NBC's sake, I hope so.

Oh, JJ. Why can't I quit you? 

Ben and Kate (Tuesday, 8:30/7:30c, premieres Sept 25, FOX)

I originally had this show on my losers list, because the promos were terrible, I hated the premise, and I just thought it was going to get lost in the shuffle of all of the new comedies. While that last one might be true, I've seen the pilot and I completely take back the other two. Leads Nat Faxon and Dakota Johnson (daughter of Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith) are charming, funny, and have a genuine brother/sister rapport, something that is surprisingly hard to find on TV. Give this one a try, I think you'll be pleased. Besides, what the hell else are you watching, NCIS?

Yes, said everyone in the country. 

Oh, I see. Well, that's what DVR is for.

Partners (Monday, 8:30/7:30c, premieres Sept 24, CBS) 

This is the new sitcom from Will and Grace creators Max Mutchnick and David Kohan, starring David Krumholtz and Michael Urie. And Brandon Routh. It comes on right after How I Met Your Mother. This can not be bad, right?

Oh, crap.

Think it's over? Of course not, my darling Freaks! Stay tuned for even more Fall TV goodness!

Fall TV Preview 2012 :Shows That Make Me Go Meh

Do you know what September does to a TV addict such as myself?

I've been in full-on panic mode for a week, fellow Freaks. How will I fit it all in? Why doesn't my DVR record four shows in HD? Oh, dammit, the Emmy's are this month too, I have to make sure I do enough yelling about that...

What do you mean "Thursday Night Football"? 

Couldn't it have been Tuesday Mid-to-Late Afternoon Football? There's nothing on then...

Deep breaths. 

I can do this. 

You know how I can do this, Freaks? 

Snap decisions. Hasty Judgments. No sympathy. 

It's time for the TV Freak to break out the tough love. 

Don't give a shit. 

So, here's the new fall shows that don't matter: 

The New NBC Comedies

Oh, NBC. Is anybody surprised I'm starting with you? Of course not. You have four new comedies on your fall schedule, and I'd be willing to lay money that only one of them will make it through the year. I'd like to say it would be Matthew Perry's new show Go On, because I love me some Matthew Perry, but with an unsustainable premise and a time slot war with New Girl and Happy Endings, I won't. That shit is super cancelled. 

Sorry, Matt. Looks like it's failed solo sitcom #2 for you. 

I'm pretty sure that mug is from the set of Mr. Sunshine

Animal Practice is just as stupid and annoying as you'd think a show about an animal hospital would be (We get it, you're weird!), and Guys With Kids, as much as I enjoy the idea of Tempest Bledsoe playing a mom, isn't great. It will fail with the poor lead-in and better competition. Sorry (Exec producer) Jimmy Fallon. Try to be less sitcom-y next time. I know you will laugh at anything, but the rest of us won't. 

This picture causes Jimmy Fallon to pee his pants. 

The New Normal is a crap-shoot, and not entirely due to scheduling or unfortunate placement on the last-place network (although those things are not going to help). Honestly, it's not a great show yet. I've only seen the pilot at this point, and while it offered a few laughs, it feels very forced. Even the title is trying too hard. The kid is better than the mom, The Hangover gay dad is better then the Book of Mormon one, Ellen Barkin's character is too over the top to make her point, and Ne Ne Leakes (I can't believe I'm saying this) is better than all of them. Ryan Murphy (creator of Glee, American Horror Story) recently said the show was basically "Kurt and Blaine all grown up decide to have a kid" which is exactly what it is. 

Seriously? Is this based on a fanfic? 

I like Kurt and Blaine better. 

Look, if it gets better, maybe it sticks around. But I wouldn't hold my breath if I were NBC. 

Of course, what the hell else are they going to air? 

I won't care if it is Chicago Fire. Though the show is produced by Dick Wolf (all of the Law and Order) and full of eye candy for the ladies, the ladies will all be watching the sure-to-be-a-hit Nashville (stay tuned for the good shows in the next Fall TV Preview!). 

Also, it's not very good. 

You may not care. 

I'm not saying it's getting cancelled, (again, what is NBC going to air?) but unless you have a super crush on Jesse Spencer (House) or Taylor Kinney (The Vampire Diaries) don't bother. 

Oh, so all of the sitcoms are terrible....

Yeah, ABC, you're not winning anything over here either. The Neighbors, about a family who moves into a suburban community filled with aliens, is too weird for the regular TV audience (and sadly I think will damage underdog The Middle) and Malibu County is a sitcom starring Reba McEntire. I think it will probably do well on Friday nights with Tim Allen's show Last Man Standing, but I will not be watching. 

Because I am not a grandma. 

You can tell because I know they stole this set from Hannah Montana.

That is also why I will not be adding the new CBS Friday night procedural Made in Jersey to my lineup, although I hear decent things about the show and particularly the star. However, despite my vigorous youth,  I also don't expect to get wrapped up in the CW's Beauty and the Beast, starring Kristen Kreuk. Despite the network's highest rated lead in (The Vampire Diaries), CW fans, me included, have shown that they won't get on board with crappy or boring shows (see last year's occupier of this spot, The Secret Circle) and from what I've seen, that's exactly what you're in for with this one. Sadly, I like its chances better than the network's far superior Emily Owens, MD, just due to scheduling, (Miss Emily got railroaded in the same Tuesday night spot as Go On) but I don't expect either to live long on my DVR. 

ABC branches out, which is clearly a good idea 

So in addition to alien neighbors, ABC is also offering viewers a haunted apartment building with 666 Park Ave and a submarine crew gone rogue with Last Resort. While I like Dave Annabel and Terry O'Quinn, I think 666 is going to be too scary for normal viewers and not scary enough for horror viewers, and therefore  will have a hard time garnering an audience. And Last Resort just doesn't have a shot, despite powerhouse lead Andre Braugher. It's in an impossible time slot up against The Big Bang Theory, it's too serious for the 8/7 hour, it's on female-centric ABC, etc., etc. Look, producer Scott Ryan (The Shield, Chicago Code, The Unit) makes good TV, so I honestly hope I'm wrong about this one. 

And not just because I'd be delighted for Scott Speedman to be more than just "That guy from Felicity". 

Aw, no you won't, Big Ears. 

So what will you actually want to tune in for? Stay here all week for more Fall TV Preview! 

Happy Birthday to Me! (And Some Imaginary People)

Today is my 30th Birthday!

It just makes me thirty times more awesome.

Who's with me?

TV Characters Turning 30 in 2012

Stephanie Tanner

Poor middle Tanner. Not the cute twins, not the crazy-eyed sister of the religious nutcase. What's a poor little girl to do?

Ah. Well, you seem to have that figured out.

Sookie Stackhouse

God, please let me not be as annoying and useless of a 30-year-old as Ms. Stackhouse.

Although to be fair, I have not shot any of my boyfriend's crazy exes. Yet!

Randy Taylor

The one middle child who managed to be the star of the show. Adorable JTT. Remember when he was just the biggest deal ever, ladies?

Wow. This seems really wrong now, doesn't it? 

Claudia Salinger

I didn't watch Party of Five but somehow this still makes me feel old.

Why does Jack Shepard have a baby? 

Dr. Lance Sweets

Hey, Lancelot. How about for our birthdays you fix that stupid show you're on?

Or do some more stupid shit. Your call. 

Lisa Simpson

This one is a little iffy, but I'm pretty sure if Lisa had aged correctly from when the show started she'd be turning 30 this year.

I was the smartest kid in the second grade too, but my hair was not nearly as interesting.

Mary Camden

I didn't watch this show either, but I imagine she was the one who turned out to be a stripper.

Dammit! 

I'm pretty close to a couple of others: Buffy and Chuck beat me to it last year and the gang from Dawson's Creek  and Angela Chase's little sister Danielle will do it in 2013. Yeah, that one hurts.

So Happy Birthday to all of my imaginary friends....

But mostly to me!

Want to get me a present? "Like" me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter (@thetvfreak), or tell a friend where to get their TV Freak on. And stay tuned for all of the Fall TV previews, coming soon!