Battle of the Network DVRs

ABC has announced their fall schedule, making it the final network to do so and giving me a look at what's happening this fall.

Which is basically that I'm getting a second DVR.

OK, OK.... not really.

I'm just going to figure out how to add more hours to the day.

Or stop sleeping.

Whatevs, I'm totally cool!

Here are some snap judgments about the fall lineup:

Hey! It's less complicated than last year! 

It looks to me that the only times my DVR is going to be overloaded (meaning more than two shows at a given time I want to record) are Mondays at 10/9c, Tuesdays at 9/8c, and Thursdays at 8/7c. That's only three time slots, and it's much better than the five or six I had last year.

So what will I do about it?

Monday is the Castle/Revolution/Hawaii Five-0 face-off, and although I'm not nuts about what has to happen here, it's pretty easy to give the hotties in Hawaii a pass - for as long as Revolution sticks around. I love Castle, and Revolution is going to be one of those JJ's-got-a-big-mystery! shows, so you have to keep up. Thursdays aren't actually that big of a deal because I can watch 30 Rock online, so the nerds (Big Bang Theory) and the pretty vampires (The Vampire Diaries) can get the spots.

But Tuesdays. What to do on Tuesdays?

Happy Endings, New Girl, and the new Matthew Perry show Go On are all at 9/8c, followed by Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23, The Mindy Project (starring The Office's Mindy Kaling), and Ryan Murphy's new sitcom The New Normal.

I want to watch all of those things.

Duh, networks. Those shows all reach the same demographic - mine. Why wouldn't you try to spread it out?

Ugh, looking at the schedule, I get it. There really wasn't anywhere else to go. But seriously, what's a poor little TV blogger to do?

Oh, right. Assume most of that will get cancelled by October.

You know, ABC, you might be onto something....

Friday nights are a weird place in television. They call it the TV wasteland, a sure sign of cancellation, but that doesn't entirely seem to be true. CBS has been successfully running Blue Bloods and one of the CSIs on it for several years, and Fringe will finish up its run this fall, most of which has been on Fridays. It seems to be a great spot for a specific type of show.

I think ABC is attempting to bring back the golden age of Friday night sitcoms (a la the 90's-era TGIF) by running the cheesy traditional sitcoms Last Man Standing, starring Tim Allen, and Malibu County, starring Reba McEntire. And if you think about it, that kinda works. The networks are desperate for people to watch their shows live, and it just seems like the kind of people who might watch those programs are likely to be home on a Friday night, doesn't it?

Wait, they didn't hopelessly doom any of the new shows? 

For the most part.... no.

I know, I'm as surprised as you are! NBC gave Revolution the coveted slot after The Voice, a smart choice because it is their tent-pole project for the fall, and the one they need most to succeed. ABC gave Suburgatory the prime real estate after Modern Family, and followed that up with the sure-to-be-a-hit Nashville, in a great spot with little competition from the other networks. They also made a smart choice putting the supernatural drama-fest 666 Park Ave on Sundays following hits Once Upon a Time and Revenge. I think most were expecting ABC to pair Nashville with their successful Sunday night chick-fest, but I think it's a lot smarter to give 666 the sell - it's a more difficult show.

FOX put the Jordanna Spiro drama The Mob Doctor at a good spot on Monday following Bones, which makes a lot of sense, and moved Glee to after The X Factor results show, giving it a boost now that the regular cast has been "adjusted" (or whatever buzzword they're using).

So what didn't work? NBC's Do No Harm is in a hopeless spot on Sundays, as are their sitcoms on Tuesdays (I won't even bother with names, first cancellations of the season) and the CW's new Beauty and the Beast on Thursdays and Emily Owens, M.D. on Tuesdays - just too much competition. And ABC's Last Resort is a weird choice for a 8/7c show - I think it would have worked better at the 10/9c hour.


So what do you think, Freaks? Excited for Fall? Confused about all the choices?

Laughing because you totally don't watch network TV anymore?

Sound off below!

I Hate Girls: Emmy Nominations 2012

Well, Freaks, the 2012 Emmy nominations are out.

How should I put this without resorting to crude language?

The HBO show Girls, and the people who watch it, and especially the people who nominated it, make me physically ill.

Like the way listening to FOX news makes me physically ill.

Because I just don't understand how people can be so actively stupid.

It's like they are genuinely putting forth effort to be as rote and unintelligent as possible. Did you ever stop to ask yourself if this was actually a good show, Emmy voters, or were you just distracted by the soft focus lenses and the "desperation" of the hipster generation?

You know what I have to say to that desperation? Maybe you wouldn't feel so bad about yourself, "Girls", if you didn't dress like schizophrenic homeless five-year-olds.

Get a job.

You are an adult, asshole. 

It makes me so angry that this pretentious bullshit gets nominated because Emmy voters want to pretend they are sophisticated, while shows that are interesting, hilarious, or even groundbreaking get completely ignored.  Great, Modern Family got nominated again, and deservedly so, but where the hell is Parks and Recreation, Community, New Girl, Happy Endings, or Suburgatory? All of those shows are better written, funnier, and smarter, plus they have the added advantage of not making me want to shoot myself in the face.

I have no idea how Emmy voters managed to squeeze in seven Lead Actress in a Comedy nominations, but at least the stupid nod undeserved by Lena Dunham for Girls didn't take away from deserving nominees like Zooey and (mostly) Amy Poehler, who, if there is any justice in the world, will win. (Spoiler! There's not. She won't.)

And while we are at it, Kristen Wiig is NOT FUNNY.

Ever. You've never been funny ever. 

The Lead Actor in a Comedy nominations make me feel like punching things too, if only because the category has been basically the same for five years. Look, I like Alec Baldwin as much as the next girl, but by this point he's phoning it in so hard he accidentally made Capital One commercials, and Jon Cryer? You're kidding me, right? Like, last year, fine, it was because we felt sorry for him with the whole Sheen debacle, and blah, blah, but you seriously think he is a better actor than Ed Helms, Joel McHale, Jeremy Sisto, and Greg Dillahunt? Did you know that the actors over on The League are basically improvising the whole script?

Yeah, but Jon Cryer for sure.

God, Emmy, take a chance, you know?

I appreciate you adding Mayim Bialik and Max Greenfield to the standard nominees this year, but where the hell is Nick Offerman? Eliza Coupe? Donald Glover?

Look at all that acting! 

Ugh.

You know I've got less to say about dramas, because I watch fewer of them - or at least the ones that tend to get nominated. I'm not really surprised that Revenge and Once Upon a Time didn't make the cut (nor am I particularly upset about it, as much as I enjoy them) but where the hell is Justified? Sons of Anarchy? Any of the women from Game of Thrones? Look, I love Maggie Smith, but it's not like she was setting the world on fire with the second season of Downton Abbey.

Stop nominating people because you like them, voters.

I mean, Kathy Bates?

This shouldn't have even been on television, but NBC literally didn't have any other shows.

Ashley Judd?!?!?!?!


I know it's miniseries, but seriously? 


I mean, what is that? Sorry your show was terrible and got cancelled? Sorry some of us were mean about you having gained weight and you wrote a great comeback editorial about standards of beauty and what we teach our daughters? Sorry that you spend so much time squinting it really does look like you had work done on your face, even if you swear you didn't, you know, because of the daughters? Sorry that you had writers who could not give you anything to do but look worried and scream hysterically?

This is how I feel right now.

It has to be an apology, right, because people can not possibly be stupid enough to have actually nominated her for her acting performance. They just can't.

Because if they were, I might be ill.

What's that?....

Uma Thurman?

For Smash?

I...........

But.......

Oh, God........


Is that blood? 

Wait, What Happened?

I was sick.

Like, death's door sick.

Well, not really.

But I totally went to the hospital!

So you'll forgive me for leaving you all alone, fighting your way through the TV landscape without my generous guidance. I'm so sorry, my dear Freaks, it just couldn't be helped.

The good news is that I'm back to light your way again, with the luminescence of snark! Let's take a look at what I missed during my near demise:

Summer TV is, like, so fun! 

I'd pretty much given up on Burn Notice, but after running across a repeat of one of last season's later episodes, I decided to catch up on the end so I could rejoin Mr. Westen and company when the show began its sixth season in June. I'm delighted I did - the show seems to have regained its footing, and watching Michael struggle with a believably unbeatable opponent is more engaging than the the secret keeping of the past few seasons. Plus, he's all sad because Fiona is in jail. And don't we all love a man in distress?

See, he's so upset! 

I've also been enjoying Franklin and Bash and the traditionally delightful cheesiness of ABC Family's Melissa and Joey, as well as plenty of awesome SyFy shark attacks (I'm pretty sure that Jersey Shore Shark Attack is my favorite movie of all time.) I'm excited for the return of White Collar this week, not in the least because Matt Bomer seems to be sporting a little salt-and-pepper with his more gruff island-cast-away look, as well as Leverage on July 15th.

Yeah, because you ever need to look in a mirror...

Let's Talk (Really Quickly and With Big Words) About Newsroom

People seem to be hating on Newsroom. Like, a lot.

They're complaining about the speechifying; the Ross-and-Rachel-they-aren't Maggie and Jim; MacKenzie the love interest who is supposed to be a badass powerful woman and is somehow just a complete spaz; the aggressively liberal politics; the overuse of all the buzzwords; the frequent musical theater references.

Really?

Because I thought I was watching an Aaron Sorkin show.

What the hell else were you expecting?

I, for one, am delighted HBO has already greenlit the show for another season, if for no other reason than how much fun Sam Waterston is having not being on Law and Order.

Little News I Find Interesting

Once Upon a Time has cast series regulars for next season to play Sleeping Beauty and Mulan.

Huh.

Disney is just the smartest marketed company ever, aren't they?

My girl crush Elizabeth Mitchell is returning to her sci-fi fans by joining the JJ Abrams helmed Revolution this fall.

Sigh.

Damn it, now I have to hope that show is good. 

Charlie Sheen's new show Anger Management premiered to the largest audience ever for an FX show.

And then lost 38% of its audience the following week.

Ha, ha. (Because the show is terrible.)

Also, TNT renewed Dallas for a second season.

Personally, I'm hoping for a Christmas special.....

Clearly, the deal he made with the devil to still be alive did not include looking like it...

Anything else I missed, Freaks? Head to the comments and let me know!