Chuck That!

Oh, Freaks. I'm so sad.

It's time to say goodbye to Chuck Bartowski.

I'm just....

Sorry, it's hard to type through all the tears.

In honor of the finale of one of my favorite TV spies, let's do


Top Ten Chuck Episodes


10. Chuck vs. The Frosted Tips

My favorite (although I'm sure the finale will eclipse it) of Season 5 so far, I just thought douchey Morgan was really funny. Plus, I really like the Casey-Verbanski romance.

Guns and Explosions= Republican Foreplay

9. Chuck vs. The Beard

Ring agents infiltrate the Buy More under the cover of corporate suits and the employees stage a rebellion while Chuck is left alone to deal with an all out assault on Castle, until Morgan learns the truth. I love the episodes that feel like a large ensemble show, and this one nailed it.

Also, I have an extreme passion for Nerf gun fights. 

8. Chuck vs. The Push Mix

Dying Sarah drama, the arrival of Baby Clara, crazy Jeffster, emotional Casey, and the perfect not-so-perfect proposal. Awww!!!

Also, damn the Buy More pays well. 

7. Chuck vs. The Cougars

I was surprised to like this episode's guest star as much as I did, but Nicole Richie was great as Sarah's high-school rival turned spy rival, and kicked ass in the show's best (and most gratuitous) girl fight.

Um, yeah...It's better than this picture. 

6. Chuck vs. The Alma Mater

Chuck has to confront his demons and go back to Stanford, where he discovers not only a former professor is in danger, but the truth behind Bryce's betrayal.

Why, yes, you should be legally required to wear a tuxedo at all times. 

5. Chuck vs. Tom Sawyer

I love this episode. It's fun and Chuck is just so cute, and it's got a great twisty ending. And lots of Rush. And who doesn't love Rush?

4. Chuck vs. The Angel de la Muerte

This is one of my favorite Casey episodes of all time, where he faces an old enemy in Allejandro Goya, the Premiere of the fictional Costa Gravas.

3. Chuck vs. The Ring

Hey, remember when Neal Caffrey was Bryce Larkin? Good times. This epsiode saw Bryce confessing to knowing Chuck's father, the return of Rourke, a majorly crashed wedding, my favorite Jeffster appearance, and the introduction of Kung Fu Chuck. Can't get much better than that!

Sam Kinison and an Indian lesbian crash a wedding. 

2. Chuck vs. The Cliffhanger


That title is why I love this show. This could have been the final episode of the show, since when it aired last year NBC had not yet greenlit the fifth and final half season. So the show was poking fun, that while they did manage to wrap up a lot of the major arcs of the show, they would have left it on a major twist with Morgan becoming the new Intersect. Luckily we got more time, but this sweet episode still would have been a fantastic ending all on its own, with the happy-ending-wedding and the beginning of Carmichael Industries.

If the spying failed, clearly they could go into bird-themed weddings. 

1. Chuck vs. The Intersect

The one that started it all, sweet faced little Chuck downloads a computer in his brain and becomes a secret agent super-secret.

Aw, shit, you guys.

I'm really gonna cry tonight.

My Favorite Me

In continuing the one year anniversary celebrations on the TV Freak, I thought I might bring you a little list that will show off my humor, great writing ability, always spot-on opinions, and obvious humility.

The TV Freak's Top Ten TV Freak Posts

10. You Can Keep Your White Knight

My list of TV's best bad boys, this one is close to my...heart. Yeah, let's go with heart.

Fire in my heart.

9. Feel the Burnout

What happens when the TV Freak gets sick of TV? Snark.

And a failed attempt at this joke. Dammit.

8. Television Medium

One of my more creative lists, this top ten crossovers that should happen still excites me with possibilities. Are you listening, TV?

Your promo departments are.

7. On the Good Ship Let Down

When will-they-won't-they becomes wish-they-hadn't.

I'm still pissed.

6. A Brief Synopsis of Everything That's Wrong With Television

I'm still right about all of these things. Obviously, no one was listening.

NO, really, why won't you...I'm trying to help...If you would just...(choke, shudder, silence...)

5. My Space-Time Continuum Comes in Pink

Made the list mostly for being my favorite title.

And for giving me the excuse to use this picture again. I am the epitome of class.

4. That Thing You're Jumping? Shark.

Sometimes the ones you love the most are the biggest disappointment.

To cheer you up, here is David Boreanaz, wearing lipstick.

3. Yes, But I'm a Functioning TV Addict.

The post that started it all. Doesn't she seem all sweet and innocent?

The very next post, also known as "The Death of Sweet and Innocent".

2. Cue the Laugh Track

I yell at TV. Once again, TV doesn't seem to listen.

On the plus side, next week is the Spring Fling Vampire Hoedown!

1. Greatness Personified

I actually managed to fool people with this April Fool's joke, how fun is that?

Tigerface!

So thanks for reading, Freaks! Here's to another year of shouting into the internet while TV continues to make a bunch of stupid decisions.


Got one you love? Pick your favorite post, and Facebook, tweet, or email it to a new Freak, and help me make the next year even bigger and better!

What's wrong with the peacock?

NBC, I want to punch you in the face.

I'm not sure exactly how one would punch a network in the face, but I can't know exactly who is to blame for all of your terrible decisions, so I'll just tell you that collectively, I want to kick your ass.

Because you are such morons.

You got the ratings lottery that is the after-Super Bowl spot this year, and what are you wasting it on?

The Voice.

Does this make anyone else uncomfortable?

The freaking Voice? Really? Really? You should use the hour when your network will have the most eyes on it ever to promote your number one show? The only show you have that is currently being watched by more than forty-seven people?

Seriously?

NBC, do you know who watches the Super Bowl?

Dudes.

Well, and some chicks. But adults. Adults who know whether they like reality singing competitions, and already watch The Voice if they do. You are not going to get any new permanent viewers of The Voice from the lead-in audience of the Super Bowl. You're just not.

You know what that adult, majority-male audience might like, NBC?

Something that focused on a strong central male figure, with a little mystery and a lot of action. Hey, if he's played by a really attractive actor, that might help the ladies, right? Of course, you would want a super-hot chick too, someone guys know, maybe from a beloved sci-fi show or spy drama? And wouldn't it be great if it was like a sequel to a much-loved movie thriller from ten or fifteen years ago, something the audience watching would know and love?

Huh, that would be pretty perfect.

It's a shame you don't have anything like that....

Huh...does anybody have any ideas? I just can not think of a thing...

You know what sucks even more? I watched The Firm. It's good. It's engaging, and well written, and Josh Lucas' eyes are like neon blue, and absolutely no one watched its two hour premiere last Sunday. Because NBC is stupid. Even if your bonehead schedulers can't figure out to start it after the Super Bowl, it was the first week back from the holidays, most other shows had not really even started back yet, and you had no lead in time for advertisements to stick with viewers. What is wrong with you? That is like Advertising 101. Running a Network for Dummies.

Seriously, you are giving me an ulcer.

You spent all of your ad budget on stupid shit like Whitney and Are You There, Chelsea? and didn't leave any for the shows you are premiering that are actually any good.

I just don't understand.

Look, Chelsea is not horrible. I don't think it's funny, I won't watch it again, it's desperate and trying too hard and once again the casting agents seemed to think sidekicks with personalities are unnecessary, but it's not the worst show in the world.

This is.

That being said, NBC is celebrating 6 million people watching the premiere. It got beat, not only by Suburgatory on ABC, but by a repeat of Criminal Minds.

A repeat. Of Criminal Minds.

Maybe it's because you gave it a horrible lead in. Maybe it's because you don't seem to know that you have some great comedies that do decent ratings and are huge in DVR recordings and online viewings, and that you should mix them up on two nights so that you don't have to take Community off or run 30 Rock only half a year. Plus, you could bump up shows like Up All Night, which should be on at family time (8/7) and give shows like Whitney and Chelsea the room (10/9) to be adult and edgy like they want to be. Because right now the trying-to-be-edgy-but-still-not-pissing-off-parent-groups thing, it's just awkward.

Stop making shows that belong on cable like Awake. Stop fishing for more "edgy" female comediennes (they're developing Sarah Silverman for Fall 2012) until you figure out whether you can make the ones you've got be less horrible. Stop fighting so hard to be something you are not.

Embrace your last place status. Use it to figure out your niche, carve out your network identity. You're the young, hip funny one, by the way. You've got great comedies that are funny and fresh and different, even if some of the new ones don't feel like that. (Seriously, why is Whitney filmed in front of an audience? Stop that.) Take on only single camera shows with ensembles that are created to be complete, not just a main character with a bunch of sides thrown in. Pick dramas and procedurals (like The Firm) that appeal to 20 and 30 somethings, and leave CW the teens and CBS the grandmas.

This is tough love, NBC. Because the truth is, I do love you. You are home to some of my very favorite shows on television and I believe, if you would stop being so stupid, you could make more.

Maybe you could even get other people to watch too.

What's Happy Anniversary in German?

Can you believe it, Freaks? It's been a year since I started this little blog, and found all of you willing to listen to my TV-induced rambling and snarkiness.

You're so sweet.

To celebrate, let's take a look back at the most popular posts; the ones you (or more likely random Germans searching Google images) read and loved the most.

Top Ten TV Freak Posts

10. Things I Love/Things I Hate

The original outing of what would become a recurring breakdown of my overly dramatic feelings about bits and pieces of TV, I like this one mostly because all of these things are still true for me. And hey, remember Brothers and Sisters?

No, you do not. Well, other than that nagging feeling you want to punch Balthazar Getty in the face.
But that's normal.

9. Like Frasier, Not Joey

I gotta say, I'm kinda surprised by this one. It was one of my more random lists (an idea stolen from my brilliant father) so I have no idea how people are finding it, but they appear to desire the V spin off as much as I do. Oh, wait....

Aw, I miss you, pretty.

8. Love is a Battlefield

Isn't it, Freaks? One of my favorite lists (yeah, that list is coming too!) this in depth look at TV love triangles features two slutty Kellys, a cartoon with a personality disorder, and a psychic vision of my own future viewing preferences. Creepy!

Who could have predicted I would like this hot mess?

7. Crazy or Cool? Pilot Season 2011

Because I am a huge nerd, it is really fun for me to look back at what was in the works for this past fall, and to see how that panned out. And, let's tell the truth, see how well I did on calling the shows. (For the record, meh.) Truthfully, I'm really sad they didn't make the sexy crimefighter Edgar Allen Poe show. I imagine that would have meant a fall with a lot less Whitney jokes.

Yeah, probably not.

6. A Heck of a Town

Believe it or not, this post  is not a huge hit because of my exciting and controversial choices for shows about the Big Apple. Sadly, no, it is the rare photo included depicting one of the city's most notorious hellbeasts.... The Cockamouse.

Pictured: Evolution (according to a five-year-old)

5. Fall TV Preview: I'm So Excited!

(It's OK, my head always does the Jessie Spano too.) How'd I do predicting what would become my favorite new shows of the fall? Well, I did like The Playboy Club the two times I watched it before it got super, super cancelled, and I definitely called New Girl and Up All Night, which are two of my favorites, but I missed with Secret Circle and Ringer, both of which have been much more boring than anticipated. But hey, three out of five ain't bad!

Obviously I screwed up by missing this masterpiece.

4. The Akron of Southwest Indiana, or: Why Parks and Recreation is Awesome

Earning the distinguished and obviously much coveted award for "Longest Title" here at the Freak, my treatise to the brilliance of Parks and Rec explains exactly why you should be watching this show. But it was a long time ago, and obviously, since you all take my word as television gospel, you are now watching with fervor. Right? Right?

If you watched this instead, you are dead to me.

3. You Can Leave Your Hat On

Interestingly, it seems I am not the only person who enjoys a good looking man wearing a cowboy hat. Who woulda thunk it?

Huh. Weird.

2. Crazy Couples, Sassy Attorneys, and Chandler Bing: Spring 2011 TV Preview

I was on it with this one, Freaks. I called the disaster of Traffic Light and Perfect Couples, and predicted the awesomeness of Happy Endings. Good job, Me. But really, people miss Chandler. (Ms. Chanandler Bong) Really. This post is as high up as it is because people Google "Chandler Bing 2011" all the time. Like, they just want to see what he's up to.

Guys, check Imaginary Facebook!

1. Heart...Wait for It...Break

One of my most controversial posts (it started a comment war on Facebook) got a big bump from the awesome peeps over at Have You Met Ted?, the great HIMYM blog you should all go check out.

Also, possibly got a bump from the river of tears...

So thanks for reading, Freaks, and here's to another year full of hopefully mostly awesome but sometimes awful television.

I'm looking at you, NBC.

What anniversary gift do you get the blogger who has everything? How about Liking me on Facebook and following me on Twitter? It'll be the best gift I ever got!

Amazon witches, backstabbing bitches, and NBC glitches: Winter TV Preview

Happy New Year, my darling Freaks! Want to know what sort of goodness 2012 is going to bring to your TV?

Well, from the looks of it, some hacky sitcoms, a bunch of "supernatural" mystery series, and a few random gambles.

Ah, television.

2012 Winter TV Preview


Work It (ABC, premiered 1/3)

I suffered through ten minutes and forty four seconds of this show before I had to turn it off because my ears were bleeding. However bad you think it it, believe me, it's so much worse. It's horrifying. It's stupid, it's not funny, it's disrespectful to women and men, and it's based on the completely unbelievable premise that in this day and age, a large group of people would see a six foot tall person with a low voice, square jaw, and Adam's apple, and think, "What a statuesque woman!" Um, nope.

Yes, how on earth would anyone know?

The Finder (FOX, 1/12)

From the creators of Bones (as much touted on the commercials), this procedural starring Geoff Stults and Michael Clarke Duncan is about a guy who solves crimes because he can find anything. Nope, not making that up. They seem to be going with a House/Bones kinda vibe with Stults' Walter, who has a plethora of peccadilloes and a habit of asking inappropriate questions. I think it will be a perfectly fine procedural, but I already have enough of those on my schedule, so I'll be giving this one a pass.

So he found Dwayne Wayne's sunglasses?

Luck (HBO, 1/29)

Winter's most impressive cast, Luck stars Dustin Hoffman, Dennis Farina, Jill Hennessy, Nick Nolte, and Michael Gambon and snagged Michael Mann to direct the pilot. Centered in the world of horse racing, I'm sure it will be standard quality HBO fare, even if it's not really my cup of Bourbon.

This is my cup of Bourbon.

Smash (NBC, 2/6)

This is the big gamble of the winter season. It could sweep in, particularly when Glee has been struggling creatively, as the new music-centered drama to captivate the TV audience at large, or it could... go the way of all of NBC's other big ideas. It's certainly got the potential to be a (sorry!) smash hit, with an exciting cast including Debra Messing and Angelica Huston (as well as a five-ep guest arc from Uma Thurman), a lot of buzz, and very positive early reviews, but like I said, it's NBC...and they know how to screw that up. I'm cautiously optimistic at this point.

OK, not too optimistic...

Are You There, Chelsea? (NBC, 1/11)

Speaking of things NBC can screw up, Chelsea debuts next week after Whitney, in what the network is dubbing "Happy Hour!" More like "Not Funny Hour!" Look, I like Chelsea Handler a lot. But much like Whitney and the upcoming Sarah Silverman project NBC is working on, I have no idea how the bitchy adult humor of these comediennes translates to rote network sitcoms. Dear NBC - If you'd like to remember how to do bitchy adult humor, please go watch reruns of Will and Grace.

The Patron Saint of Bitchy Humor.

Rob (CBS, 1/12)

Stars Rob Schneider.

Ugh.

The Firm (NBC, special premiere 1/8, regular slot 1/12)

I have a confession to make. I have never actually seen the Tom Cruise movie. Truthfully, I try not to watch Tom Cruise movies at all (even before he became a couch-jumping robot overlord). But I'm actually really excited about this show. This is partially due to the adorable Josh Lucas, who I'm jazzed to see on TV, but mostly I'm excited because NBC seems to have found a show with actual potential. It seems to be a well written, well acted thriller with mass appeal, and I'm really hoping they can pull it off. They need a win.

This is not going to be it.

House of Lies (Showtime, 1/8)

Kristen Bell! Kristen Bell! Kristen Bell! I've had a mad girl-crush on Kristen Bell ever since Veronica Mars, and I'm glad she look my advice from last January and decided to get back to television. This Showtime series, also starring the awesome Don Cheadle, focuses on a group of sharky management consultants and the dirty webs they weave. It looks really excellent, but I'm a little worried about it getting buried under all the other options. Step up the ad budget, Showtime! (Seriously, that's like the whole point of the show.)

This one cost $4.95 and a bottle of gin.

The River (ABC, 2/7)

This show is billed as a "paranormal/adventure/horror" story, and is getting the inevitable comparisons to LOST because of it's mysterious adventurer-lost-in-the-Amazon plot. I think it will probably be good, and I wouldn't be surprised it it became a big hit, but I won't be watching it. Why? Well... because I am a huge scaredy cat, Freaks, and I'm pretty sure that this show, which airs on network TV, will keep me awake at night.

Shit, I'm never sleeping again.

Alcatraz (FOX, 1/16)

Oh god, do I have the energy for another mystery laden sci-fi-lite show? But it's JJ Abrams! And I love JJ Abrams! And it's Jorge Garcia! And I love Jorge Garcia! And it's Alcatraz! And I love the Eddie Izzard lines that happen in my head about Alcatraz! I'm going to give it a valiant effort, I promise, but the show is going to have to really blow me away to stay on the DVR.

Prisoners coming, prisoners coming...

Touch (FOX, preview 1/25, regular slot 3/19)

Created by Tim "Heroes" Kreig and starring Jack Bauer, this show joins the "supernatural" bandwagon with a plot centered around an autistic boy who can predict future events though a genius understanding of math or patterns or something. Meh.

Yeah, cause you know who will look directly into a camera? 

Awake (NBC, March)

This is a cable show, NBC. This was not for you. Its "man has one life awake, another asleep, which one is real?" plot is too complicated and potentially even confusing for a mass audience, and Jason "Lucius Malfoy" Isaacs is not famous enough to get people to show up for him alone. This show is not going to work.

Aw, crap, is it wife in one and kid in the other? So it's confusing and sad?
Good, Middle America loves that!

GCB (ABC, 3/4)

Though sadly the network got cold feet on the real title, Good Christian Bitches, this Dallas-set soap follows a former mean girl (Leslie Bibb) who returns home in disgrace after her marriage ends in scandal. Expect lots of backstabbing, sexing, and soapy goodness, along with the delightful Kristin Chenoweth and Annie Potts, having a blast as a crazy southern mother. Finally, something fun!

OMG, I have that hat! I mean...um, for costume parties! Yeah, for costume parties.

Returning shows:

Look for some old favorites to return this winter as well, including (yay!) Justified (FX), White Collar (USA), and Southland (TNT) all back on 1/17; Royal Pains (USA) on 1/18, Archer (FX) on 1/19, and Shameless (Showtime) on 1/8. Both The Walking Dead (AMC) and Psych (USA) will be back in February.


There's lots more awesome and awful TV to come in March and April, Freaks, so keep up to date by following me on Twitter (@theTVFreak) and liking me on Facebook!