Back Already?

This happens every year, Freaks. All the shows go on hiatus in later November or December and I think, "Oh, good! Now I will have time to catch up on all the shows I want to watch that I don't!"

And then... I don't.

It seems that I forget about holidays, or family in town, or the many, many hours I must spend baking cookies and watching Lifetime Christmas Movies.

So, sorry, Homeland. And The Wire. And the last half of Game of Thrones. And Girls (which I planned to hate-watch). January is here, and I have more shows to preview for my lovely audience.

Who is probably just pissed that I don't watch Homeland.

So what's happening in January?

Smash is Back! 

They made it all new! They took away the horrible people and scarves! It's different, we swear! Jennifer Hudson!

The new producers are yelling from the rooftops how much the show has changed and how much better they made it, and I really, really hope that is true. I wanted to like this show so much. There were moments of brilliance in the pilot, and then it got kind of terrible, and then the finale of last season was pretty good. I can't make up my mind about McPhee, I hate her one minute and love her the next - is that a flaw of the actress or the writing? Both, I think, and two in a long list of flaws from which the show suffered.  Despite the fact I love Debra Messing, Anjelica Huston, The guy from Coupling, and Megan Hilty, who is both hot and awesome, the show's terribleness was enough to overcome all of that good.

That's a lot of terrible to fix. I genuinely hope they can do it.

There has never been a woman with a gay best friend who has been allowed to dress like this. 

Community is Back! 

I think I'm just at the point where I'm looking at any new episodes of this show I get as a gift.

Stupid NBC.

Guys With Kids is still on?  Seriously?

Hey, speaking of stupid....

Deception is not a horrible show. The lead is watchable, Victor Garber can make anyone cry, and there seem to be enough mysteries and soapy complications to keep it going for at least a season (although past that certainly seems suspect).

It does not matter. I don't know how to explain this, but I am certain this show will be cancelled in two months. Maybe even two weeks. It's just not going to work.

Sorry, Deception. Should have gone with ABC.

Oops. 

And on an even sadder note....

Do you know the last time I felt this sorry for Bill Pullman?

Yep. That's the 1996 gem Mr. Wrong, which remains to this day one of the most uncomfortable movies I've ever seen.

Also, it is horrible.

But not nearly as horrible as 1600 Penn.

This show is beyond horrible. This show is heinous. Revolting. This show should be categorized as a war crime it is so fucking HORRIBLE.

I hate you. 

I was genuinely offended by this show. Josh Gad is insufferable, Jenna Elfman is (as usual) trying to make it all about her and too stupid to realize that's bad, the dialogue is stilted and completely unfunny, and everyone involved is trying so hard to convince you that you wouldn't rather be watching dogs poop than this shitshow they can't even be bothered to make Pullman a more believable president than he was in Independence Day - and I'm including the aliens.

It makes me even more incensed that NBC is spending money on this drivel when they have cancelled great shows like last year's Best Friends Forever, they've jacked around brilliance like Community, and now seem determined to kill other good shows like Up All Night, which is on hiatus undergoing a multi-cam makeover, a fact that makes me want to spit nails. Not to mention whatever the hell happened with 30 Rock.

Hey, NBC?

Screw you.

Even the monkey in the lab coat is embarrassed.

So, is there anything good? 

Yep. Justified is back January 8 on FX, which should make anyone who likes good TV (or seriously hot dudes who wear cowboy hats) happy. The boys of USA Network will also be joining us as White Collar, Suits, and Psych return to fill our lives with charming smiles and bromance. (Jan 22, Jan 17, Feb 27)

Downton Abbey brings season 3 stateside on January 6 on PBS. You can expect much scandal and tragedy from the period piece favorite. The show has already completed its run in England, so let me just say this - there are some serious shocks coming your way!

Turns out he's James Bond, it's crazy. 

Cougar Town is back on January 8, picked up from cancellation by TBS (which of course, you already know if you have been on that station or its affiliates in the last three months, read a magazine, or have eyes). I love this show, for reasons that are enumerated here. Mostly that it's funny and awesome.

I'm really, really looking forward to FX's new show The Americans, starring Keri Russell (Felicity) and Matthew Rhys (Brothers and Sisters) as soviet spies in 1980's American suburbia. It's got good producer cred, including Graham Yost from Justified, and I really like both of the leads, so I have high hopes for this one. (Jan 30)

There might be another little spy thing I'm excited about as well....

There's a little more weird too, in Zero Hour, coming to ABC and starring Anthony Edwards. It pretty much just seems to be The Da Vinci Code, but without the weird hair or sexual tension with the girl, since they are also looking for his wife. I'm not expecting to get involved.

The CW has made a prequel to Sex and the City called The Carrie Diaries. I realize this is sacrilege among my gender, but I didn't love Carrie and Co., so I'll be giving it a pass. I've got enough CW guilty pleasure on my DVR for one supposedly grown woman.

Not even guilty about this one. 

Alan Ball left True Blood to write a show for Cinemax called Banshee, about a criminal who ends up sheriff of a weird, and I'm assuming supernatural, town. (Jan 11)

Except it is on Cinemax.

Which just automatically means I'm going to think it's porn.

But like, bad porn. Not True Blood.

Otherwise, stay tuned for your returning shows on all the big networks, (30 Rock finale is January 30!) Showtime has House of Lies, Shameless, and Californication on Jan 13, HBO's Girls and Enlightened drop the same day, and Dallas returns to TNT on Jan 28 for J.R.'s last stand.

RIP, you old bastard.

I bet hell has really good whiskey.