A brief synopsis of everything that's wrong with television

Ok, Freaks, are you ready for some ranting? Let's do this!

Ten Things TV Executives Don't Seem to Understand

The nostalgia factor only works if we've missed it

Really, NBC? The Paul Reiser Show? Really? Because we were all clamoring to have that comedic genius back on TV? Paul Reiser hasn't been in the zeitgeist since the late 90's, and you thought, "Hey, now's the perfect time to bring back that old guy from Mad About You! Everybody loved that show!" Let's not even talk about the fact that the show has the same basic premise of Curb Your Enthusiasm, let's just focus on the fact that you replaced one bad show with an even worse one, and tried to pretend you weren't scraping the bottom of the barrel when you did it. Nobody has cared about Paul Reiser since 1999. And even then, it was iffy. (I plan to remind you all of this post next year, when Tim Allen's "I'm a man, we're different from women!" sitcom bombs next year.)

God! I have missed your hilarious wit!

Star quality is not a made up thing

It is occasionally hard to explain why certain actors work over others. There really is just a certain quality a watchable actor has that you can't quite put your finger on , but you know it when you see it. In that respect, casting poorly will kill an otherwise decent show. Jamie Campbell Bower is this show killer on Starz's Camelot, and the only thing I hate more than his terrible acting is his peach fuzz moustache. Yes, the show has other problems, Joseph Finnes is chewing scenery like a man starving and the pacing is drastically uneven, but the complete blah of the lead actor means it doesn't stand a chance.

To be fair, acting while that high is impressive.

And while we're on the new crop of historical dramas:

Stop trying so hard

We get it, Camelot and The Borgais- you are full of sex and betrayal and intrigue! Stop beating us over the head with it. Game of Thrones, try to bring some plot with all those backstabbing naked people, will you?

Yeah, I won't hold my breath.

And speaking of those three shows:

Stop making the same shows at the same time

It seems to me that networks always seem to develop a few shows a year that have the exact same premise: the pay-channel historical dramas mentioned being only one example. Let's call it the 30/60 Rule, named, of course, for the network season that brought you both 30 Rock and Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Now, were these shows radically different? Yes, but the plot points boiled down to be exactly the same, and for some reason people seem to get confused by this. Unless you are making a procedural, one of those shows is always going to succeed, and the other is going to fail. Spectacularly. Listen up, next season's Charlie's Angels and Wonder Woman. One of you is going down.

Spoiler alert! It's this one.

Which bring me to:

Superhero costumes do not work on TV

They don't. Smallville has been on for ten years because they've never put him in a cape, and The Cape was essentially cancelled after three episodes, because it seems ridiculous to us to watch real-world characters put on a costume. (The closest that has ever worked was Spike's coat on Buffy, once he was a good guy, and even that got weird after a while.) Yes, we want to watch superheroes, but it has to work in the real world (think Buffy or Sydney from Alias) and the costume just pushes it too far.

Ratings are stupid

NBC is going to cancel Chuck. I am traumatized by this, but it's true. Monday's ratings were it's lowest ever, and it is only so-so in the all important 18-49 demographic. This is stupid. Seriously, the 18-49 demographic? Because you know who likes the same television? An 18 year-old-girl and a 49-year-old man. No. No, they don't, TV, and you are all stupid for believing it. Chuck has a rabid fan base that buys merchandise and DVDs, supports the advertisers, and talks about your show all the time, and it's not good enough that four million people watched it on Monday? I realize that the Nielsen system is completely stupid and it needs drastically to be fixed, but executives need to recognize the other ways fans show their support in this day and age. We dont' all have Nielsen boxes, but we do all have the internet.

It's why this episode happened.

Pilots are important

I have watched lots of new stuff in the last few weeks, and I will tell you unequivocally, the pilot matters. If it doesn't grab me, I am done. I have a busy schedule of TV, and I don't have time to figure out whether or not you are going to figure it out. I have rarely been wrong about a show if I have seen the pilot, if I instantly think it will be cancelled (Traffic Light), if I just know I'm not going to get into it (Breaking In), or if I think its got the potential to be a really great show (Happy Endings). We know what we like as viewers and you will rarely convince us otherwise.

 I will not like this. Because it is stupid.

It's one of the reasons:

Writing is more important

I am stunned every week by the quality TV that is Justified. It is just an astoundingly well written show. Here's the thing about "well-written": I do not necessarily mean "quality" or "critically acclaimed" or "award winning". I mean that I believe even shows that I hate can be well written. It's about having good characters and story lines that keep me engaged. You can do that with brilliance like Justified as well as with fluff like White Collar or silly like Community. But you can not throw in drama fron nowhere, Parenthood, or never let your characters grow, Brothers and Sisters. Successful shows are well written, period. Which brings me to my next point:

Quirky is not the same thing as interesting

The spring's crop of sitcoms has been really hit and miss (mostly miss) but one of the things that has really just bugged the crap out of me is this seemingly desperate push to make everyone "quirky". On the heels of the success of shows like Modern Family and Community, the sitcom newbies seem to think that peccadilloes are what endear characters to an audience. Perfect Couples tried too hard to be quirky, as does Christian Slater's new show Breaking In (the young black guy is almost a parody of an Abed/Troy cross), and I'm nervous about Mr. Sunshine because while I like it, I think the really off beat sense of humor is not making any friends. Once again, don't try so hard, shows.

But he's so quirky! And he's black!

Know your network identity

If it feels like I've been picking on NBC a lot, it's because I have. The network is a complete mess, and I really think it's because they don't know who they are. ABC does chick shows, CBS is procedural (even their sitcoms are procedural), TNT does cop shows, USA does fluff, CW does teen porn. You have to know who you are so that viewers know who you are. NBC's most bankable shows are the Thursday night comedy shows (the good ones) and they all share one thing in common: they're weird. NBC should recognize itself as the young channel, with nerdy-in-a-cool-way fresh shows that aim for the 20- and 30-something crowd. We need TV just like everyone else, and we are the majority of your audience as is. In the new TV landscape, where most of the major cable networks are producing successful original programming, you don't have to think like an old-school network. Be bold, be original, be young and cool. In short, stop trying to make more Law and Order.

Stop it. Stop it right now.