I Hate Girls: Emmy Nominations 2012

Well, Freaks, the 2012 Emmy nominations are out.

How should I put this without resorting to crude language?

The HBO show Girls, and the people who watch it, and especially the people who nominated it, make me physically ill.

Like the way listening to FOX news makes me physically ill.

Because I just don't understand how people can be so actively stupid.

It's like they are genuinely putting forth effort to be as rote and unintelligent as possible. Did you ever stop to ask yourself if this was actually a good show, Emmy voters, or were you just distracted by the soft focus lenses and the "desperation" of the hipster generation?

You know what I have to say to that desperation? Maybe you wouldn't feel so bad about yourself, "Girls", if you didn't dress like schizophrenic homeless five-year-olds.

Get a job.

You are an adult, asshole. 

It makes me so angry that this pretentious bullshit gets nominated because Emmy voters want to pretend they are sophisticated, while shows that are interesting, hilarious, or even groundbreaking get completely ignored.  Great, Modern Family got nominated again, and deservedly so, but where the hell is Parks and Recreation, Community, New Girl, Happy Endings, or Suburgatory? All of those shows are better written, funnier, and smarter, plus they have the added advantage of not making me want to shoot myself in the face.

I have no idea how Emmy voters managed to squeeze in seven Lead Actress in a Comedy nominations, but at least the stupid nod undeserved by Lena Dunham for Girls didn't take away from deserving nominees like Zooey and (mostly) Amy Poehler, who, if there is any justice in the world, will win. (Spoiler! There's not. She won't.)

And while we are at it, Kristen Wiig is NOT FUNNY.

Ever. You've never been funny ever. 

The Lead Actor in a Comedy nominations make me feel like punching things too, if only because the category has been basically the same for five years. Look, I like Alec Baldwin as much as the next girl, but by this point he's phoning it in so hard he accidentally made Capital One commercials, and Jon Cryer? You're kidding me, right? Like, last year, fine, it was because we felt sorry for him with the whole Sheen debacle, and blah, blah, but you seriously think he is a better actor than Ed Helms, Joel McHale, Jeremy Sisto, and Greg Dillahunt? Did you know that the actors over on The League are basically improvising the whole script?

Yeah, but Jon Cryer for sure.

God, Emmy, take a chance, you know?

I appreciate you adding Mayim Bialik and Max Greenfield to the standard nominees this year, but where the hell is Nick Offerman? Eliza Coupe? Donald Glover?

Look at all that acting! 

Ugh.

You know I've got less to say about dramas, because I watch fewer of them - or at least the ones that tend to get nominated. I'm not really surprised that Revenge and Once Upon a Time didn't make the cut (nor am I particularly upset about it, as much as I enjoy them) but where the hell is Justified? Sons of Anarchy? Any of the women from Game of Thrones? Look, I love Maggie Smith, but it's not like she was setting the world on fire with the second season of Downton Abbey.

Stop nominating people because you like them, voters.

I mean, Kathy Bates?

This shouldn't have even been on television, but NBC literally didn't have any other shows.

Ashley Judd?!?!?!?!


I know it's miniseries, but seriously? 


I mean, what is that? Sorry your show was terrible and got cancelled? Sorry some of us were mean about you having gained weight and you wrote a great comeback editorial about standards of beauty and what we teach our daughters? Sorry that you spend so much time squinting it really does look like you had work done on your face, even if you swear you didn't, you know, because of the daughters? Sorry that you had writers who could not give you anything to do but look worried and scream hysterically?

This is how I feel right now.

It has to be an apology, right, because people can not possibly be stupid enough to have actually nominated her for her acting performance. They just can't.

Because if they were, I might be ill.

What's that?....

Uma Thurman?

For Smash?

I...........

But.......

Oh, God........


Is that blood?