Cue the Laugh Track

Listen, TV, you know I love you. Even though you spend time with horrible "real" people and can't stop participating in glorified talent shows, you really are one of my closest friends.

Which is why it pains me to tell you....

You do a bunch of stuff that sucks.

It's OK. Don't freak out. I'm here to help. I want to help you be better, TV, because I care. So listen to my advice here, and let's stop doing these terrible, terrible things, OK?

I beg of you.


TV Cliches That Need to Be Stopped


Oh, really? They weren't listening? HILARIOUS!

This joke:

Person 1: Blah, blah, blah...random and probably unimportant story...blah, blah, blah...
Person 2: (On phone, or staring at a hottie, or whatever) Uh huh.
Person 1: Crazy thing I say to show how much you aren't listening to me! You aren't listening to me!

Me: Argahahhhhhhh!!!!!!!! Stop it!!!!!!!!!

This joke was tired when Friends did it in 1995, Whitney.

So was this one. I feel like we could have this conversation a lot, Whit.

I wonder if she's single...

OK, I know Free Agents got cancelled. Do you want to know why? Because the only way they could figure out how to show the main female character was lonely and single is to have the shot of the lone Lean Cuisine and bottle of wine sailing down the grocery checkout belt. And then later she bought more wine and yelled at the bagger for asking if she was having a party.

No! Because she's all alone! All alone, I tell you! It's not like a smart, funny, attractive single woman would have any friends to drink with on a Saturday night. Of course not. She's going to sit at home and drink four bottles of wine while listening to Abba.

Ugh.

How could this hideous monster not be alone?

Wait, your high school didn't have a professional costume department?

How is it that every costume party, themed dance, parade, hayride and Halloween on TV comes with perfect costumes? And who are these people who wear them to everything? As a Halloween freak, I can tell you how difficult it is to get people to show any interest in a costume, which is that it's nearly impossible. Where's the guy wearing the name tag that just says, "Hi, I'm Batman"? Or the girl who is clearly just wearing her junior high cheerleading uniform because the skirt is shorter? Yes, I'm talking to you, Vampire Diaries. Really? There just happen to be fifteen full scale Gone With the Wind dresses in your tiny town? And people willing to wear them?

Yes, that is also exactly how my high school dances looked. In my sad, lonely head. 

Damn, I sure am tired of all these balls!

And while I'm on you, CW, I have another grievance. What is with your tiny towns and all of their activities? There are constant picnics, cookouts, county fairs, fundraisers, galas, themed dances, and freaking Founder's Day Parades in all of your sleepy (albeit generally overrun with the supernatural) little towns. What the hell is a Founder's Day parade, and do you think people actually have these things? You know who goes to a ball, Secret Circle? No one. Oh, the Annual Gumbo Cookoff is the day after the parade, Hart of Dixie? How silly of me, of course! I realize writers generally need a way to get all of the characters together in one space, but when it's every single episode it becomes a really tired gimmick.

Don't forget guys, tomorrow is the Annual Vampire Luau and Quilting Circle!

Oh, you rascally ethnic stereotype!

I apologize in advance for this, Freaks, but it's ranting time. 2 Broke Girls is constantly rated in the top five new shows with TV critics. People whose opinions I usually respect and agree with enjoy this show, find it refreshing, edgy, and hilarious. I am confounded by this. I can not possibly understand. I keep watching, because I feel like, you know, maybe it's me. Maybe I have missed the point, or I'm not smart enough, or I have been so distracted by Kat Dennings' giant boobs that I failed to notice how hilarious and awesome this show is!

One of these things seems the most likely.

Nope.

Because it's not. Good, that is.

Why? Because it is pedestrian and lazy. The three "side" characters rounding out the 2 Girls are a pimpin' old black guy, a horny Eastern European, and an America-obsessed Asian. What, no room for the matchmaking Jewish mother? The spicy curvy Latina with the shrill voice? The catchphrase-spouting gay guy?

Here's the thing: stereotypes usually exist for a reason, and they can be really funny. That Latina? She's killing it over on Modern Family. The gay guy? The best part of Happy Endings. (Which you should really be watching.) But the only way that stereotypes are funny is if they come in a complete character package. The side dishes on 2 Broke Girls do not. They exist in order to drop one liners (which are not really funny) and to set up the main characters for stupid "we're so different!" moments.

Well, see, little lady, she's blonde and you're brunette! But I'd still have sex with both of you!

You should be better, show.

Maybe you would like to try hiring writers, and not monkeys with typewriters.

It's just a suggestion.







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