I'm not sure exactly how one would punch a network in the face, but I can't know exactly who is to blame for all of your terrible decisions, so I'll just tell you that collectively, I want to kick your ass.
Because you are such morons.
You got the ratings lottery that is the after-Super Bowl spot this year, and what are you wasting it on?
The Voice.
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| Does this make anyone else uncomfortable? |
The freaking Voice? Really? Really? You should use the hour when your network will have the most eyes on it ever to promote your number one show? The only show you have that is currently being watched by more than forty-seven people?
Seriously?
NBC, do you know who watches the Super Bowl?
Dudes.
Well, and some chicks. But adults. Adults who know whether they like reality singing competitions, and already watch The Voice if they do. You are not going to get any new permanent viewers of The Voice from the lead-in audience of the Super Bowl. You're just not.
You know what that adult, majority-male audience might like, NBC?
Something that focused on a strong central male figure, with a little mystery and a lot of action. Hey, if he's played by a really attractive actor, that might help the ladies, right? Of course, you would want a super-hot chick too, someone guys know, maybe from a beloved sci-fi show or spy drama? And wouldn't it be great if it was like a sequel to a much-loved movie thriller from ten or fifteen years ago, something the audience watching would know and love?
Huh, that would be pretty perfect.
It's a shame you don't have anything like that....
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| Huh...does anybody have any ideas? I just can not think of a thing... |
You know what sucks even more? I watched The Firm. It's good. It's engaging, and well written, and Josh Lucas' eyes are like neon blue, and absolutely no one watched its two hour premiere last Sunday. Because NBC is stupid. Even if your bonehead schedulers can't figure out to start it after the Super Bowl, it was the first week back from the holidays, most other shows had not really even started back yet, and you had no lead in time for advertisements to stick with viewers. What is wrong with you? That is like Advertising 101. Running a Network for Dummies.
Seriously, you are giving me an ulcer.
You spent all of your ad budget on stupid shit like Whitney and Are You There, Chelsea? and didn't leave any for the shows you are premiering that are actually any good.
I just don't understand.
Look, Chelsea is not horrible. I don't think it's funny, I won't watch it again, it's desperate and trying too hard and once again the casting agents seemed to think sidekicks with personalities are unnecessary, but it's not the worst show in the world.
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| This is. |
That being said, NBC is celebrating 6 million people watching the premiere. It got beat, not only by Suburgatory on ABC, but by a repeat of Criminal Minds.
A repeat. Of Criminal Minds.
Maybe it's because you gave it a horrible lead in. Maybe it's because you don't seem to know that you have some great comedies that do decent ratings and are huge in DVR recordings and online viewings, and that you should mix them up on two nights so that you don't have to take Community off or run 30 Rock only half a year. Plus, you could bump up shows like Up All Night, which should be on at family time (8/7) and give shows like Whitney and Chelsea the room (10/9) to be adult and edgy like they want to be. Because right now the trying-to-be-edgy-but-still-not-pissing-off-parent-groups thing, it's just awkward.
Stop making shows that belong on cable like Awake. Stop fishing for more "edgy" female comediennes (they're developing Sarah Silverman for Fall 2012) until you figure out whether you can make the ones you've got be less horrible. Stop fighting so hard to be something you are not.
Embrace your last place status. Use it to figure out your niche, carve out your network identity. You're the young, hip funny one, by the way. You've got great comedies that are funny and fresh and different, even if some of the new ones don't feel like that. (Seriously, why is Whitney filmed in front of an audience? Stop that.) Take on only single camera shows with ensembles that are created to be complete, not just a main character with a bunch of sides thrown in. Pick dramas and procedurals (like The Firm) that appeal to 20 and 30 somethings, and leave CW the teens and CBS the grandmas.
This is tough love, NBC. Because the truth is, I do love you. You are home to some of my very favorite shows on television and I believe, if you would stop being so stupid, you could make more.
Maybe you could even get other people to watch too.
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