Amazon witches, backstabbing bitches, and NBC glitches: Winter TV Preview

Happy New Year, my darling Freaks! Want to know what sort of goodness 2012 is going to bring to your TV?

Well, from the looks of it, some hacky sitcoms, a bunch of "supernatural" mystery series, and a few random gambles.

Ah, television.

2012 Winter TV Preview


Work It (ABC, premiered 1/3)

I suffered through ten minutes and forty four seconds of this show before I had to turn it off because my ears were bleeding. However bad you think it it, believe me, it's so much worse. It's horrifying. It's stupid, it's not funny, it's disrespectful to women and men, and it's based on the completely unbelievable premise that in this day and age, a large group of people would see a six foot tall person with a low voice, square jaw, and Adam's apple, and think, "What a statuesque woman!" Um, nope.

Yes, how on earth would anyone know?

The Finder (FOX, 1/12)

From the creators of Bones (as much touted on the commercials), this procedural starring Geoff Stults and Michael Clarke Duncan is about a guy who solves crimes because he can find anything. Nope, not making that up. They seem to be going with a House/Bones kinda vibe with Stults' Walter, who has a plethora of peccadilloes and a habit of asking inappropriate questions. I think it will be a perfectly fine procedural, but I already have enough of those on my schedule, so I'll be giving this one a pass.

So he found Dwayne Wayne's sunglasses?

Luck (HBO, 1/29)

Winter's most impressive cast, Luck stars Dustin Hoffman, Dennis Farina, Jill Hennessy, Nick Nolte, and Michael Gambon and snagged Michael Mann to direct the pilot. Centered in the world of horse racing, I'm sure it will be standard quality HBO fare, even if it's not really my cup of Bourbon.

This is my cup of Bourbon.

Smash (NBC, 2/6)

This is the big gamble of the winter season. It could sweep in, particularly when Glee has been struggling creatively, as the new music-centered drama to captivate the TV audience at large, or it could... go the way of all of NBC's other big ideas. It's certainly got the potential to be a (sorry!) smash hit, with an exciting cast including Debra Messing and Angelica Huston (as well as a five-ep guest arc from Uma Thurman), a lot of buzz, and very positive early reviews, but like I said, it's NBC...and they know how to screw that up. I'm cautiously optimistic at this point.

OK, not too optimistic...

Are You There, Chelsea? (NBC, 1/11)

Speaking of things NBC can screw up, Chelsea debuts next week after Whitney, in what the network is dubbing "Happy Hour!" More like "Not Funny Hour!" Look, I like Chelsea Handler a lot. But much like Whitney and the upcoming Sarah Silverman project NBC is working on, I have no idea how the bitchy adult humor of these comediennes translates to rote network sitcoms. Dear NBC - If you'd like to remember how to do bitchy adult humor, please go watch reruns of Will and Grace.

The Patron Saint of Bitchy Humor.

Rob (CBS, 1/12)

Stars Rob Schneider.

Ugh.

The Firm (NBC, special premiere 1/8, regular slot 1/12)

I have a confession to make. I have never actually seen the Tom Cruise movie. Truthfully, I try not to watch Tom Cruise movies at all (even before he became a couch-jumping robot overlord). But I'm actually really excited about this show. This is partially due to the adorable Josh Lucas, who I'm jazzed to see on TV, but mostly I'm excited because NBC seems to have found a show with actual potential. It seems to be a well written, well acted thriller with mass appeal, and I'm really hoping they can pull it off. They need a win.

This is not going to be it.

House of Lies (Showtime, 1/8)

Kristen Bell! Kristen Bell! Kristen Bell! I've had a mad girl-crush on Kristen Bell ever since Veronica Mars, and I'm glad she look my advice from last January and decided to get back to television. This Showtime series, also starring the awesome Don Cheadle, focuses on a group of sharky management consultants and the dirty webs they weave. It looks really excellent, but I'm a little worried about it getting buried under all the other options. Step up the ad budget, Showtime! (Seriously, that's like the whole point of the show.)

This one cost $4.95 and a bottle of gin.

The River (ABC, 2/7)

This show is billed as a "paranormal/adventure/horror" story, and is getting the inevitable comparisons to LOST because of it's mysterious adventurer-lost-in-the-Amazon plot. I think it will probably be good, and I wouldn't be surprised it it became a big hit, but I won't be watching it. Why? Well... because I am a huge scaredy cat, Freaks, and I'm pretty sure that this show, which airs on network TV, will keep me awake at night.

Shit, I'm never sleeping again.

Alcatraz (FOX, 1/16)

Oh god, do I have the energy for another mystery laden sci-fi-lite show? But it's JJ Abrams! And I love JJ Abrams! And it's Jorge Garcia! And I love Jorge Garcia! And it's Alcatraz! And I love the Eddie Izzard lines that happen in my head about Alcatraz! I'm going to give it a valiant effort, I promise, but the show is going to have to really blow me away to stay on the DVR.

Prisoners coming, prisoners coming...

Touch (FOX, preview 1/25, regular slot 3/19)

Created by Tim "Heroes" Kreig and starring Jack Bauer, this show joins the "supernatural" bandwagon with a plot centered around an autistic boy who can predict future events though a genius understanding of math or patterns or something. Meh.

Yeah, cause you know who will look directly into a camera? 

Awake (NBC, March)

This is a cable show, NBC. This was not for you. Its "man has one life awake, another asleep, which one is real?" plot is too complicated and potentially even confusing for a mass audience, and Jason "Lucius Malfoy" Isaacs is not famous enough to get people to show up for him alone. This show is not going to work.

Aw, crap, is it wife in one and kid in the other? So it's confusing and sad?
Good, Middle America loves that!

GCB (ABC, 3/4)

Though sadly the network got cold feet on the real title, Good Christian Bitches, this Dallas-set soap follows a former mean girl (Leslie Bibb) who returns home in disgrace after her marriage ends in scandal. Expect lots of backstabbing, sexing, and soapy goodness, along with the delightful Kristin Chenoweth and Annie Potts, having a blast as a crazy southern mother. Finally, something fun!

OMG, I have that hat! I mean...um, for costume parties! Yeah, for costume parties.

Returning shows:

Look for some old favorites to return this winter as well, including (yay!) Justified (FX), White Collar (USA), and Southland (TNT) all back on 1/17; Royal Pains (USA) on 1/18, Archer (FX) on 1/19, and Shameless (Showtime) on 1/8. Both The Walking Dead (AMC) and Psych (USA) will be back in February.


There's lots more awesome and awful TV to come in March and April, Freaks, so keep up to date by following me on Twitter (@theTVFreak) and liking me on Facebook!