Top Ten Most Annoying Cop Show Cliches
Now, look, procedurals are positively full of cliches. There's the maverick cop, the long suffering sarge, the disgruntled sidekick, the guest star who's always guilty. That's part of the reason we love them, you always know what you're getting.
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| Irrational yelling and vaguely lesbian subtext. |
But there are a few things they dish out that just bug the crap out of me. For instance:
1. Jurisdiction? What jurisdiction?
Not every procedural has to worry about this, all of the Law and Order franchises usually do just fine, but most of the rest of them either ignore this problem, or give the flimsiest excuse in the history of crime as to why these officers are solving a particular crime. Bones has pretty much given up trying, but every once in a while, like last week when Booth and Bones solved the murder of a random wedding coordinator, I just think "Gah! Seriously?!? You work for the damn FBI! This is clearly a local PD problem!" Then I just watch the pretty people onscreen. So pretty...
2. "You're in contempt! Bailiff, get her out of here!"
Look, I get that contempt of court is a real thing. However, I do not believe that it is used in the regular world in the same way, and certainly not with the same frequency, that it is used on TV. Most of the time (like the pilot of Fairly Legal where Kate was found in contempt for interrupting the judge once) it's just used to show the judge is a hard ass. Because nothing says tough like unnecessary paperwork for the justice system.
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| Pictured: Justice |
The people cops question are always of one of two varieties; either the person willing to share everything with the cops, or the ones who claim confidential and refuse to help. Look, you do not have to help cops out. It's the nice thing to do, they're trying to solve a murder and all, but just refusing to answer a question is not obstruction. And why is it that the ones who never want to help are always hotel clerks or social workers? That's not how that works, either. (Also, why don't they ever stop what they are doing? Like, the cops just showed up at your job, and you just keep making pizza or copying memos or whatever. You want to talk about this somewhere a little more private perhaps?)
4. Yep, lifelong criminals are really stupid!
Why aren't you asking for a lawyer? You've got a rap sheet a mile long of drug possessions, b&e's, and assaults, and you haven't figured out by now to ask for a lawyer? The only people on cop shows who ever ask for a lawyer are rich people and sociopath serial killers. Most of the time, even when the dumb regular dude asks for one, he keeps talking anyways. Dude, just don't tell them how you killed that chick. That's all you have to do.
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| Totally asking for a lawyer. |
5. Does that say XedEx?
Really, White Collar? Just park the blank delivery truck right outside the criminal warehouse (don't even get me started on that one) and they won't notice? Even though they are a little unsure about whether to trust the conveniently available new guy? Why don't criminals ever notice the surveillance van? Seriously, if a UPS truck is parked on my street for more then four minutes I automatically start thinking one of my neighbors is running a drug ring. Stupid criminals.
6. Lady cop shoes
Look, Bones, White Collar, Psych, NCIS, Castle, and all CSIs. That is not what lady cop shoes look like.
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| This is what lady cop shoes look like. Unless you are a lady cop stripper. |
Do you know why lady cop shoes look like the picture above? Because you can not chase criminals in stilettos. TV makes you think that people can, but it is a lie. Also, you would just destroy your shoes.
Speaking of which:
7. How much money do you make?
I know this is a problem all over TV, but for some reason it tends to bug me more with cop shows. Part of the reason these are noble professions is that they are low paid. The average NYC detective earns $64,000 a year. So Kate Beckett, lead detective on Castle, can totally pay for her multi-million dollar two bedroom pre-war Manhattan apartment and the new pair of stilettos she has to get every week. And Booth can propose to his girlfriend on Bones with a five carat diamond ring and then throw it in a lake when she says no.
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| How else can three years salary last forever? |
8. Oh, my wife is dead? Huh, that sucks.
With the exception of the occasional ethnic mother who really lets go with the screaming, crying, falling down in the middle of the precinct bit, no one ever really seems that upset about their dead wife/friend/co-worker. Nobody breaks down in tears, or laments how they are going to tell the parents or the kids. Actually, it's a pretty safe bet if a spouse does cry and worry about the kids, they did the murdering themselves.
9. Wait, what do you do here?
Angela from Bones is an artist who joined the team to draw faces from skulls. Oh, and also, the most brilliant technological mind on the planet. Seriously, she built a holographic computer, she can get ballistics from a smashed bullet, she can recreate an accident from scratches on a bike. Abby from NCIS is a lab tech, but also a master hacker. It is just so helpful that these people have random skills they were not trained for at all. Oh, and Abby, it is really nice that a military law enforcement office has no dress code.
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| I did not know Hot Topic did business casual. |
Speaking of Angela:
10. Computers are magic
Computers in cop shows can do anything. They can find any cell phone, "triangulate" a location (I think that's made up) and the one that specifically bugs me - zoom into and clarify any picture. If you've ever tried to enlarge a picture on a computer, you know that's not how digital photography works. Also, I hope you have not been unlucky enough to get busted by a traffic cam, but the pictures do not result in close up face shots that can tell you who is driving a car. Big brother is watching, but you look kinda blurry.
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| Damn! We almost had him! Can you get a license plate? |
Well, that's it Freaks! Did I miss one? Sound off below!
good stuff. nos. 5 and 7 bug me the most. how many times have we seen two cops on a stakeout less than a block and within clear view of stake-out perps. you'd have to be blind and blindfolded not to see them sitting there. as for the money thing, do typical city detectives really wear $500 or $1000 suits? and do women cops really always wear low-cut blouses and skin-tight clothes? come on, tv man. give us some credit for having half a brain, though i suppose if we had more than half a brain we wouldn't be watching stupid cop shows.
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